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Vulvodynia- a day in my life

Posted Oct 20 2009 5:54pm

I thought I'd post what it's like to spend a day with this pain.

So, this morning I wake up and I feel good-no pain. Typical morning. I get dressed for work, and put on a skirt with nothing underneath. The weather is still warmish, and I dread the winter when I may have to wear pants. I sit on my donut cushion in the car.

I get to work early because there is a meeting. I sit carefully on the chair- legs crossed- one leg underneath me to keep the pelvic area off of the chair.

I look completely normal to my coworkers and participate in the meeting. I started my new treatment of gababpentin- 600 mg three times a day.

I am feeling okay so far and am thinking well maybe this new med is working!

Then, I go to the bathroom to pee... and am careful not to wipe, but to rinse with a cup of water...

The stinging pain starts up. All it took was a little provocation from my urine. Sorry to be graphic, but that's how it is...

I start getting upset everytime the pain comes around because it reminds me that I'm not normal; that dating is out of the question...

I get panicky, but then calm myself down thinking that I need to give the meds a few more days. I get a lot of work done and have a productive day.

I go home, grab something to eat, and chat with a friend. She tells me that I need to be more positive about these treatments. She's a great friend, but she really doesn't understand how difficult it is to live with this condition. I tell her that I was positive when I first got diagnosed, but after trying so many things and having so little success, one starts to get jaded...

naturally

and then off to my therapist. I tell her about all my fears and the suffering...

I am particularly upset with my last boyfriend. The pain started after intimacy with him, and soon after that he broke things off. He doesn't know that he started this pain...

If he were still in the picture supporting me, I know I'd be suffering less.

This pain is a constant reminder of him. I want to forget him and move on. But I feel this pain and feel him on a daily basis. I feel like I've been ripped apart down there.

It feels raw- like a wound that I have to carefully monitor so as not to put any pressure on the area.

Mourning the loss of my boyfriend and the loss of my normal life with this pain is overwhelming.

I was reading that ppl who are contemplating suicide, do so for the following reasons:

1. break-up of a significant relationship

2. chronic pain...

 

there are a bunch of other reasons, but to have both these things and the pain related to the break-up has been overwhelming at times...

I have cried more tears than ever about this!

So, I leave the therapist and find myself starving... this new med makes me hungry. I cook up some dinner, and take my second dose of the med.

Then, I get on the net and decide to start this blog...

I am hoping this blog will serve as a catharsis for me and will also educate others about this condition...

I also hope other women with this disorder will read this and not feel so alone... 

I feel like a huge raw vestibule walking around...

I don't want this disease to define me, and I know I look healthy and normal to others...

But it's difficult to feel normal while this pain constantly reminding me that my life is on hold...

 sigh...

 

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