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Understanding what makes you angry & why in relationships & post breakup – part two

Posted Mar 16 2010 10:00am

In part one of understanding what makes you angry and why when you’re in relationships or post breakup , I talked about how we get angry because we feel frustrated that things are not going our way or that we are uncared for/unloved and disrespected, and that this filters down into feeling undervalued, feeling taken advantage of, shame and rejection. In this part two, I tackle the latter two.

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because we feel shame.

Feeling ashamed at your own part in something. Potentially feeling guilty – convinced you coulda, shoulda, woulda done more to protect yourself.

This is where you’ll go into over analysing and overthinking drive because when we fixate on the relationship and the person, we look for reasons to blame ourselves and we indulge in blaming ourselves and feeling ashamed, which distracts from the real issues and causes us to lose perspective and feel powerless. You’ll also remain emotionally invested even though it may be driven by negative feelings. This means you can’t let go, which means you can’t move on, and you’ll end up being trapped by your own feelings. You cannot change the past. Period. Obsessing about what you coulda, woulda, shoulda done will immobilise you – knowing what you can do to avoid the same situation in the future, including injecting boundaries and knowing when to opt out, let’s you do something.

Feeling exasperated or even ashamed that you still want someone in spite of how poorly they treat you.

Sometimes you have to recognise your own impatience with yourself. It takes a while for the heart to heal and to catch up with the head. It’s keeping grounded and focused on the reality that will let your heart catch up with your head, especially as you’ll recognise that what you think is ‘love’ and wanting them, is actually your desire to stem the rejection you feel. Instead you need to work through the feeling of rejection and grieve the loss. You will create more pain, more rejection, and more anger if you act on the ‘feeling’ that you still want them.

Feeling angry because you feel rejected and you still want them in spite of the fact that they are not reciprocating.

It’s important to recognise that the anger will persist as long as you ignore looking at why you want someone that doesn’t want you. The likelihood is you feel you desire them more because you feel rejected which is not the same as wanting them – it’s seeking attention, acceptance, and validation. It’s wanting to be ‘right’ and wanting to ‘win’ and as long as you pursue this you’ll feel that you’re ‘wrong’ and that you’re ‘losing.

Feeling that you’re stuck in a cycle of repeating the same behaviours and feeling powerless to change.

The definition of relationship insanity is repeating the same behaviours, carrying the same baggage, sticking with the same relationship pattern, and then expecting different results. You have to want the change more than you want to accept defeat. You need to be patient and take it a day at a time and make a concerted effort to address the issues that keep you in the pattern. You need to do the work and you need to make a conscious effort to keep getting back up and pushing on, because you already know that you don’t like what you’ve already experienced. You’re only powerless if you don’t take control and wallow. You have to fight for yourself. Read my post on why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why it hurts.

Feeling ashamed that you were involved with someone who caused you much pain.

I still have the occasional cringe when I think about what I have put myself through, but if I stuck in my previous mode, I’d be stuck back in 2005, meeting the same ‘ole guys running into the same ‘ole problems. Be compassionate to yourself and recognise that you are human, you make mistakes, you love, you want to be loved, and sometimes you trust the wrong people. You cannot hold onto the anger and shame because you’ll become immobile and write off the opportunity to love again. Sometimes we make a lot of mistakes – relationships serve to teach us more about ourselves. Learn the lesson, and you won’t keep feeling the pain. Get to grips with what has happened and learn the lessons so that you don’t put yourself in the frontline of this pain again. Read my post on how relationships teach us more about ourselves.

Feeling that there is something inherently wrong with you that makes you ‘deserve’ what has happened.

This is internalising what has happened and what others have done and turning the anger inward which can cause depression. It’s important to get in touch with who you are, your boundaries , and values, and learn to like and love you because unconditional love means that you know who you are and take care of you, irrespective of what is taking place around you. Be your own best friend. If you don’t, you will use anger that you don’t direct in the right direction, whether that’s adapting your relationship behaviour for positive change or telling someone to take a run and jump, and attack yourself with it. How long are you prepared to punish yourself for? The odd thing is that the level of anger and punishment that you impose on yourself doesn’t come close to matching any anger or ‘punishment’ that the person who ‘wronged’ you feels.

The frustration will persist as long as you 1) focus on blaming yourself because it will immobilise you, 2) avoid acceptance and accountability, 3) lack compassion for yourself whilst not being real about the other persons actions, and 4) fail to process what has happened so that perspective kicks in and you can move on.

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because we feel rejected.

Being angry that someone else is in the relationship that we want to be in.

The anger stems from the lack of control and someone else killing your vision of what you thought things would be. The key with moving past this anger is accepting the reality which involves realising that when someone doesn’t want the relationship with us that we do, it’s a major red flag. That, and the longer you’re trapped in anger whilst someone else is off living their life with someone else, the further you are from having a better, real relationship. If you want to be in the relationship and they don’t, what are you seeing that they don’t, and what are they seeing that you don’t? If they want out or are not interested, why do you still want in and are still interested? Holding onto what you thought could be is demoralising and draining. Recognising what is and what has actually happened or not happened, will stop you from cloaking yourselves in illusions.

Feeling that someone else has taken your place or that they’ve been chosen over you.

Again, this is frustration that your vision is not being met, that someone else might be getting more than you did, or even reaping the benefits of your efforts. It will drive you crazy if you feel like you’re second best and the anger may even cause you to engage in embarrassing or even humiliating behaviour to quell the feeling of rejection.

Believing that someone is ‘getting away with it’ whilst you feel that you’re suffering or that they go unscathed whilst they seem to be living a carefree happy life.

The rejection in this scenario kicks in because you feel that life and what appears to be some sort of natural order is rejecting you. We can often assume and believe that bad people get punished and found out – they mostly do, but not necessarily on your clock and not always in the way you envision.

The carefree assclowns of this world, for instance, seem to land on their feet and find someone new whilst you’re sitting in what appears to be the ashes of your life. It seems unjust and unfair (it often is) and it doesn’t seem that life is being fair to you, throwing you any luck, or dealing out that karma. Aside from internalising what appears to be the rejection of the universe, you may feel inclined to find ways to ensure that they don’t get away with it. Hard as it may be, resist the urge to react to the anger in a destructive way. Unfortunately, when these people go on their merry way, it’s not them that stops us from moving on and being happy – it’s us.

Instead of holding onto the anger and punishing yourself, refusing to trust again, or waiting around for a suitable punishment, I suggest you grieve the loss, feel the pain, and move on. This is not an easy process because it means you have to let go, and letting go means that the focus comes back to you, and you’re back in the hot seat of driving change for you. Eventually, people who habitually treat people badly do experience their own pain and discomfort. Don’t make your life’s and your mind’s focus be about why someone isn’t getting their just desserts – you’re trying to control the uncontrollable which will fuel an immense frustration.

The frustration will persist as long as you 1) stay feeling rejected 2) keep reacting to the rejection and trying to stem the feeling of it and then experiencing further pain, and 3) you don’t use boundaries and your own gut and judgement to reject other people’s unacceptable behaviour or lack of interest so that you can take control.

*****

One of the things that helps to deal with your anger is educating yourself about what you have experienced. I’m not just talking about reading here at Baggage Reclaim (although please do) but soaking up information to help your perspective and following through with actions. Many of the readers that arrive at Baggage Reclaim or who buy my ebooks thought that they were on their own, going crazy, and that they were responsible for the other persons behaviour – that’s bound to cause a lot of frustration.

Your thoughts?

My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl . For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service .

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