Bloggers come and bloggers go. Sadly, my one of my blogfriends felt the need to remove his blog because his wife found it. His blog had been a place where he felt safe to reveal all of himself so I wrote back telling him I hoped he had somewhere in life to get that need met. His response was that "given how multifaceted we can be, is there ever really a single place?" He feels there can be TMI in your primary relationship...that your partner doesn't really want to know about your struggles.
Then discussions with Sparkly Man about monogamy and polyamory bring up all sorts of questions for me about intimacy. He does NOT agree that people who choose to be sexual with more than one person can be truly, deeply intimate with their Beloved.
I experience many kinds of intimacy.
There is a bond that cannot be attained any other way than knowing someone for a very long time and going through life and experiences with.
There is the kind of intimacy that comes with living with someone, although people can live in the same house for years and never really know one another.
There is a kind of intimacy that comes with being a Courtesan. Men tend to share more of their real, deep selves with us because they know we won't judge them. Hell...we're whores for heaven's sake, who are we to judge? But even this aside, many of us come to whoredom because we are empaths and compassionate people who provide a space everywhere we go where people feel safe to express all of who they are. I remember one time during an interview process, this man just kept talking and talking for hours. I listened with all of my being and he felt it, so just kept opening up more and more. At the end of the conversation, he looked at me, surprised, and told me he had never told anyone half of that stuff...that it was too much...and he liked me and wanted to meet again, but couldn't because I knew too much about him.
I have a very different kind of intimacy with my kids. I carried them inside my body, they sucked at my breast, I wiped their butts, stayed up with them when they were sick. It's Big, that kind of intimacy.
Workshops provide a opportunity for a very unique kind of intimacy. We know nothing about the other person's life on a day to day basis...don't know if they are married, if they have kids, what their jobs, hobbies, interests are. Yet, we know deepest darkest secrets that they might never reveal to others in their daily lives.
Here in blogland..if you find me interesting and want to meet offline, you know how I orgasm, that I love anal sex, have been a whore, the struggles I have in relationship. But aside from my eyes, you have no idea what I look like, what my presence feels like or what my voice sounds like.
Sex brings a different kind of intimacy for me. When I go deeply into the experience, a connection is created that is beyond words. I have a capacity to really feel someone touch my heart. Not always, but the potential is there. And even if I don't reach that place, there's a sweet sharing sort of intimacy created. I think of my first woman lover...we still resurrect that fun feeling from time to time even though we haven't been sexual for a number of years. I remember being a a women's party and looking at each other across the room, both thinking about the secret adventures we had shared, then going in the bathroom at one point to make out. Shared naughty trysts are so fun and provide a type of intimacy that's different than others.
There have been times with Tantra partners where we did soul gazing and shared profound experiences that I can only describe as a deeply profound, almost cosmic form of intimate connection that defies words. There was another kind of deep body intimacy that I reached with my Master form time to time when I would submit to him.
Secrets in and of themselves, create a form of intimacy. We know this, share this, others don't; we have a special bond.
I have a special form of intimacy with my women's group. I feel I can be all of me no matter what...even when I can't be all of me, they fully understand and continue to provide love, compassion and support for that inability. I blows me away.
And then there are two people on the planet who I feel so intimate with that no one can approach. They are my friend "Anne" and my daughter, Mariah. These two women know everything, see everything, are my heart, my soul and my guts. I've known both for over 25 years. I know that I will grow old with them, they will be my constants, my North Stars always, no matter where I go, what I'm doing, who I'm with. They are the first two people I think of when I need support and if they aren't available to me, I feel totally lost and alone. I am in love with both of them. With them, I feel totally seen. Totally.
I've never been sexual with either one. And I won't. I've "cheated" on them repeatedly, made my "primary" relationships with men who come and go while they remain the constants in my life.
And while the 25 year thing seems like it's a bit moot at this point (like 21 years away at best), I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of intimacy with someone which included a deep and profound Beloved sexual relationship in the mix.
I wonder why it's the status quo belief that only monogamous people are the truly intimates. I know many poly people who report that the intimacy with their Beloved increases when they open their relationship. This is pretty universal in the couples I talk to.
I wonder why sex with another automatically negates the potential level of intimacy reached in a Beloved relationship.
I wonder if it's a different experience for women in the intimacy department. I still haven't written my nature vs. nuture post(s) but I continue to feel that we women are different critters than men. And I don't think that a bad thing unless we make it so. Do we women approach intimacy in a different way than men do? I mean...it's no secret in studies and such that women do lots of their intimate connecting with other women, while the men rely on their wives for intimacy.
I don't feel, as my blogfriend does, that there is TMI possible for my Beloved. That's the relationship where I want most to be mutually seen, known and connected with on all levels. Other relationships, with varying degrees and kinds of intimacy can be fully satisfying and fufilling even though they don't reach those heights of a Beloved. I'm not sure what configuration of connections makes for the best relationships. I'm not sure if people who are vastly different can ever be as truly intimate as I am with Anne and Mariah. I'm not sure if sex seals the deal of depth of true intimacy.
Perhaps it's that I don't really know what true, deep intimacy is. I thought it was being mutually seen, known, and understood by another. I thought it was a deep feeling of safety, of enfolding, of exposing my inner workings, heart, mind and soul and having them being held as gifts freely given to another. I thought it was a closeness that included all my warts, wrinkles, and flaws along with my wonderful, yummy pieces and parts...and knowing I'm adored because of all of it. And offering that back, revelling in all of my intimate partner. I thought it was feeling like "home." But maybe there's something I don't know about it yet.