Today I was objecting to something that someone said in another group that I belong to. It was a matter of language that I didn’t appreciate.
The person said, “Oh I’ve heard worse.” and I said, “Okay, that’s you. That’s not me. I have boundaries and standards and that kind of language is not okay with me.”
And then he said, “I’ve been CALLED worse.” and I said, “Okay. Again. That’s YOUR boundary, or lack thereof. Just because you accept the unacceptable does not mean that I do. Please stop projecting your lack of boundaries on me and expecting me to be the same way. I am not. I have boundaries and standards and that way of talking is NOT OKAY FOR ME.”
And I thought I’d repost (with edits) the Standards post. :) “ You get what you put up with ”
When I was in very bad relationships, its easy to see that you are putting up with a lot. Because I had been used to being treated badly and it’s what I was comfortable with, I gravitated toward people who treated me badly.
It was easy to see, in the sickest and most dysfunctional of relationships, that the treatment was bad. After I started the long climb out, it became relatively easy to steer clear of the most abusive and dysfunctional of people.
But as time went on and I got better, my choice of mates got better as well. Having been used to the worst, it was hard to tell, for a while, when something was okay but still not good enough.
Sometimes I really struggled with accepting things that I didn’t really like because I was unsure if I was being too picky or hard to please. It was VERY hard for me when IN a relationship because I would be swayed by someone telling me I should accept it or I should be okay with something.
Therefore, I had to spend some time OUT of relationships and DECIDE, separate and apart from any relationship, what was acceptable and what was unacceptable.
If a guy didn’t want to make a commitment to me, then that was not okay. Even though I dated guys who were fun and enjoyable, after a time I wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and if they did not want that after a time, I had to let them go.
Even that was relatively straight forward…but later on there became weird situations like I wrote about on here where I was involved with someone, in love with someone who had been my friend before we ever became involved, very close relationship and we could not figure out how to see each other with our very busy schedules.
We went to graduate school together and had seen each other on school nights and every other weekend. Once we graduated, we could not figure out a way to see each other. I suggested a schedule, set nights to see each other as we had had in school, and he hated the idea. We struggled for months about it and I proposed a compromise, a semi-scheduled schedule. He didn’t want to hear it. I would propose something that I thought was rational, logical and workable and he would reject it out of hand. He was completely rebelling against anything that remotely resembled a “schedule.”
After agonizing about it for months, I finally I had to realize that this person simply wouldn’t bend that far to have a relationship and I had to let it go.
For months I was focused on the wrong thing. For months I was trying to develop a schedule that he would like or that worked for both of us. I kept thinking, wrongly, that if I only hit upon the right solution, all would be okay. It took me a long time to realize that NO solution would work for him. He simply wanted it to be left day-to-day. My life just didn’t work that way. I had to plan things. I had to know what I was doing. I had 3 kids, 3 jobs and I needed to know. He had NO consideration of that. He not only wanted to fly by the seat of his pants, he wanted me to do the same.
I was venting in frustration to a mutual friend of ours and the friend said, “Sounds like you’re pushing glue up a hill.” and yeah, that’s EXACTLY what it felt like. It’s hard and messy and pointless. And it was time to stop.
Although breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I could not go on feeling as if I was being strung along and unfairly accused of trying to “ control ” the relationship because I had proposed a schedule.
No matter how good it had been, it was not good anymore and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was wearing me down and wearing me out and it was ridiculous.
I had other situations where there was no book you could go to consult about it. There was no chart, no list of “this is okay and this is not.” There is no book that says, “If your boyfriend does not want to work with you to schedule time together then get rid of him.”
I had to figure out if this was acceptable to me. I found it was not. It wasn’t clear at the time but after thinking long and hard and being satisfied that I had REALLY tried to work it out, I had to let it go.
I dated another guy long distance who had some weird habits that I didn’t discover until later because we had been in a long distance relationship. What he did was not necessarily a deal-breaker for a lot of people but it was a deal-breaker for me.
Then this one was cheap and this one was cranky and this one was a flake. Or whatever. I felt like I was plowing through relationships. It was like being on that show Next! and there were a lot of bozos on the bus.
Friends of mine told me that I was too picky and that my standards were too high.
I decided, after thinking long and hard about it, that I didn’t like the things my friends were accepting (the ones who told me my standards were too high) and I didn’t want to put up what they were putting up with.
At one point I decided I’d rather be alone than put up with much of anything.
My friends told me I would be alone.
Well I’m not alone and I did find someone to meet my high standards.
But when I was sorting out my standards and what was acceptable and unacceptable, I didn’t KNOW that I would ever find someone who could meet those standards. All I knew was what I DIDN’T want in my life.
I talk to people all the time who are putting up with the most horrible of things. Why I do not know. Fear of being alone? Still in love with what once was but will never be again? Think you deserve this poor treatment? Afraid you can’t make it on your own? Afraid it’s all your fault? What?
I can only say that NO ONE DESERVES TO BE MISTREATED. Not called names, not given enough attention, not abused or neglected or not given the right treatment. NO ONE DESERVES IT.
Everyone deserves to be loved and to be TREATED WITH LOVE. If the people around you…family, friends, lovers….don’t treat you CONSISTENTLY with love and respect, find people who will. YOU GET WHAT YOU PUT UP WITH. Don’t put up with mistreatment. You can find people who will act like they love you. love yourself first.