The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs. ~ Joan Didion
If we are hurt or angry we tend to think in terms of “unfairness” and blame others for not taking responsibility for their actions toward us. We want them to see and to feel and to know what they did to us and that it was wrong. Some people are NEVER EVER EVER going to see that or want to see that.
I left my first husband 20 years ago. I thought his behavior toward me and his kids was appalling. None of us have spoken to him in years. In his little world, it’s STILL our fault. He can blame me, I don’t care…but he blames his kids for their estrangement and although he will now say (after many many year) “I know I did things wrong” it will be followed with a “but I was only trying to” or a “but they did x to me.” That is still not taking responsiblity. Taking responsibility is “Okay this was wrong and I’m sorry.” Some people NEVER EVER EVER get there.
In the very beginning of my separation I would cry and complain that he just didn’t see how bad he was treating me and others will say, “Okay so when are YOU going to stop allowing this mistreatment?” It was foreign to me that I could do more than cry and wring my hands. Luckily I had a friend who said to me, “If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis. If you’re looking for a friend who will be there as you take charge of your own life, I’m here.” It woke me up. Sympathy got me nowhere. Taking charge of my life and the hell with what this other person did would get me somewhere. And it did. Somewhere great. In charge of my own.
Often in life, in many situations, we simply have a different view of what has happened than someone else. Some people will never take responsibility for what they have done or how they have done it. By remaining focused on them and their inabilities, we continue to dwell on things we cannot change and waste time not changing what we can: ourselves.
It is important to be angry that someone has hurt us. It is important to acknowledge that this person did what they did and now live without regret or remorse. It is fine for us to acknowledge that we were owed an apology that we didn’t get. It is okay to say, “I didn’t deserve this treatment” or “This person did not behave well” or “This person’s conduct was reprehensible.”
It’s important to say those things and acknowledge that it is NOT okay. It is only in deciding what is acceptable and what is unacceptable do we manage to grow and flourish.
BUT our recognition of those things has to be for our own edification. NOT to change someone else and not to be FOCUSED on someone else.
We need to learn to say, “Okay I was attracted to this ding-dong…now what is it in me that needs to change?”
Look at your Life Inventory.
Were there early warning signs that you ignored?
Are you locked in a power struggle over a parent or caretaker that didn’t take responsibility and hurt you in the same way?
What in YOU needs to be acknowledged and looked at?
Has there been a string of relationships like this?
Are you a perennial victim?
What trash on your side of the street needs to be picked up?
This is not an exercise in self-flagellation.
You have to forgive yourself that you didn’t know that you didn’t know…but now you know…and you have to take self-responsibility for that.
Take the focus off the other person and put it where it belongs: on you.
You cannot be to blame for the failure of the relationship, but if you have a broken chooser, a defective ability to pick well, you need to look at that and see where it comes from.
You need to recognize that you need to work on you: your self-esteem, your confidence, your willingness to choose or be chosen.
What is going on for you in these relationships? How are you getting into them? Why are you staying in them? Why are you working so hard on getting someone else to “see” what they did wrong rather than work on making you better so that you make wiser choices?
Think about what is going on for you and about you…think about what this has brought to your life and why. Think about what you need to do for you in order to avoid it again.
Stop trying to change others. Change yourself. A person who will not or cannot take responsibility for what they have done or what has gone wrong may never do it. Stop wasting precious time thinking about it, being upset by it, or thinking you can change it. The only thing you can change is you.
If you want to change your life, it’s up to you. Put the focus where it belongs: on you. Your life will be happier and richer for it.
The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs. ~ Joan Didion
If we are hurt or angry we tend to think in terms of “unfairness” and blame others for not taking responsibility for their actions toward us. We want them to see and to feel and to know what they did to us and that it was wrong. Some people are NEVER EVER EVER going to see that or want to see that.
I left my first husband 20 years ago. I thought his behavior toward me and his kids was appalling. None of us have spoken to him in years. In his little world, it’s STILL our fault. He can blame me, I don’t care…but he blames his kids for their estrangement and although he will now say (after many many year) “I know I did things wrong” it will be followed with a “but I was only trying to” or a “but they did x to me.” That is still not taking responsiblity. Taking responsibility is “Okay this was wrong and I’m sorry.” Some people NEVER EVER EVER get there.
In the very beginning of my separation I would cry and complain that he just didn’t see how bad he was treating me and others will say, “Okay so when are YOU going to stop allowing this mistreatment?” It was foreign to me that I could do more than cry and wring my hands. Luckily I had a friend who said to me, “If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis. If you’re looking for a friend who will be there as you take charge of your own life, I’m here.” It woke me up. Sympathy got me nowhere. Taking charge of my life and the hell with what this other person did would get me somewhere. And it did. Somewhere great. In charge of my own.
Often in life, in many situations, we simply have a different view of what has happened than someone else. Some people will never take responsibility for what they have done or how they have done it. By remaining focused on them and their inabilities, we continue to dwell on things we cannot change and waste time not changing what we can: ourselves.
It is important to be angry that someone has hurt us. It is important to acknowledge that this person did what they did and now live without regret or remorse. It is fine for us to acknowledge that we were owed an apology that we didn’t get. It is okay to say, “I didn’t deserve this treatment” or “This person did not behave well” or “This person’s conduct was reprehensible.”
It’s important to say those things and acknowledge that it is NOT okay. It is only in deciding what is acceptable and what is unacceptable do we manage to grow and flourish.
BUT our recognition of those things has to be for our own edification. NOT to change someone else and not to be FOCUSED on someone else.
We need to learn to say, “Okay I was attracted to this ding-dong…now what is it in me that needs to change?”
Look at your Life Inventory.
Were there early warning signs that you ignored?
Are you locked in a power struggle over a parent or caretaker that didn’t take responsibility and hurt you in the same way?
What in YOU needs to be acknowledged and looked at?
Has there been a string of relationships like this?
Are you a perennial victim?
What trash on your side of the street needs to be picked up?
This is not an exercise in self-flagellation.
You have to forgive yourself that you didn’t know that you didn’t know…but now you know…and you have to take self-responsibility for that.
Take the focus off the other person and put it where it belongs: on you.
You cannot be to blame for the failure of the relationship, but if you have a broken chooser, a defective ability to pick well, you need to look at that and see where it comes from.
You need to recognize that you need to work on you: your self-esteem, your confidence, your willingness to choose or be chosen.
What is going on for you in these relationships? How are you getting into them? Why are you staying in them? Why are you working so hard on getting someone else to “see” what they did wrong rather than work on making you better so that you make wiser choices?
Think about what is going on for you and about you…think about what this has brought to your life and why. Think about what you need to do for you in order to avoid it again.
Stop trying to change others. Change yourself. A person who will not or cannot take responsibility for what they have done or what has gone wrong may never do it. Stop wasting precious time thinking about it, being upset by it, or thinking you can change it. The only thing you can change is you.
If you want to change your life, it’s up to you. Put the focus where it belongs: on you. Your life will be happier and richer for it.