About a month ago, five women and I began a journey together. We are all connected, some of us going back 23 years (or more, some are "newer" friends of only fifteen years. This is a wonderful aspect of our community. Many of us migrated here when in our twenties and stayed. In this particular group are women I have done Tantra with, women I have been midwife to, women I have been in other groups with years ago, women I have led in groups...all women I admire. We are clearing old "history" and projections with each other that accrues with time, living, stuff. There are three licensed therapists, a budding Tantrika/Child of the Light, a massage therapist/healer woman and a whore (that would be me, hehehe). All of us of us have done a tremendous amount of inner growth work- kinda made a life out of it in our various permutations. As I looked around the room, I was struck by the collective power and wisdom of these women.
This was our second meet. We came together, checked in, had a small ceremony. Anne brought Damiana Love Potion to drink, and we each poured the glass for the woman to our left, connecting our energies. We held hands, Anne had drawn a Rune earlier and had it on her small altar. It was Trust.*
I kept feeling Trust wash over me, breathing in the Trust I know is so important right now. It was a vitally important message for each of us as I could feel everyone melt as the passage was read. We are women coming together to move to the next stage of our sexuality. We still aren't real sure what that means yet, but we all know it's the right place to be.
We've decided to start our journey by each taking all the time we want/need to tell our whole sex history. We decided upon a format of letting the woman speak without interruption, only asking for clarity if needed at any point in time. We would then allow for a Q & A after if desired. Tonight was my time to talk.
This blog has been a fun catalyst to talk about my sexual past and I've covered some of it on here. I was surprised at the stuff I had not remembered that came up. Although I have done this in a group before, this was the most thorough recounting yet. I had never told anyone about my S/M fantasy play as a child...partly because I had not remembered it much. I had always wondered where it came from and for the first time, made a possible connection to the books I had read about Martyrs- some of them being young virgins being cut up to die for Jesus rather than loose their virginity or marry a Pagan. ( I was raised a Catholic, remember being obsessed with a picture book [!] on this topic, feeling ecstasy in church and always thought I would be Sister Mary Gillette). I cried reliving this. Got upset and frustrated remembering my panic and despair here. Went into Kali (curly hair flying, arms doing their Italian exuberant dramatic flair gesturing) when recounting this adventure. Completely forgot this one.
It's been powerful to share my history here in blogland. But to sit in a room looking into eyes all staring at you as you speak makes it doubly so. Some of us have shame around our pasts or have not come to terms with it in other ways. It's a place of great tenderness and trust for many to speak of our past with all the emotions it holds. To be witnessed and receive silent support is a powerful thing, indeed.
* Runes are stone enscribed divination tools of the ancient Germanic/Nordic alphabet. I kinda see them as the Tarot for hot Vikings. This Rune means Trust, Gifts, and/or Partnership, according to different interpretations.
From the book The Healing Runes,
by Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan
(edited a bit for length and where it got even too woowoo for me)
This is a Rune of restoration. It calls for a rebuilding of belief in yourself, in your life, and if you have fallen away, from the Divine.
It has been said that faith is not belief without proof, but rather trust without reservation, and that trust, when cared for and respected, encourages the self to blossom. Trust is divine medicine.
For some, drawing this Rune asks you to show trust in a present situation. For others it calls for embracing the changes you are facing with trust and wisdom.
If this Rune is applies to your relationship with yourself, know that love grows when trust is present. And in relationships of the heart, remember that I love you and I trust you are two stones for crossing the same stream.
On the other hand, if trust is lacking in your life, consider what you can do to restore it, or to create it where it never was. For trust is the foundation upon which we build our lives and do God's work in the world. However painful or oppressive the moment may seem, this Rune urges you to have faith and to know that as you heal you will be able to trust again.
Look at it this way: Each time you face the issue of trust, you are being asked to grow. When you push through your fears and trust your feelings, you do grow- and trust grows in you.
Receiving this Rune you are encouraged to take the first step, to reclaim the lost trust you once cherished and thrived upon. We are born to live our lives in trust. Let no one tell you differently.
Perservere in your journey and trust in your healing process. Whenever this Rune comes to you, remember the wise teacher, the one that speaks from the silence within us. The breath of heaven is everywhere trust is.