The People Pleasing Diet – Why you’ve got to give up trying to please The Unpleasables
Posted May 08 2013 4:31pm
It’s painful when the realisation hits you, that when it comes to a certain someone or even certain people in your life, nothing, and I do literally mean nothing is ever enough. You could literally walk over hot coals, limbo under a bar held 5cm off the ground with spikes on it, have fireworks shooting out of your bum, agree with everything that they say and do everything they’ve requested to the letter of their criteria, and they’ll do the equivalent of, “You missed a spot…”
Nothing is ever enough with The Unpleasables and if you try to do ‘everything’ you will only bust the hell out of your boundaries – they’re just not that special!
The first Unpleasable in your life tends to be that exacting and critical parent or caregiver and if your perspective on their behaviour and how you respond to it hasn’t changed in adulthood, you’re likely to have felt tormented by a similar boss, ‘friend’ or romantic partner.
It will feel like the most natural thing in the world to be a people pleaser because it’s all you know and you equate happiness and worthiness with pleasing somebody all of the time and associate other people’s displeasure with this sense of you being inadequate and ‘provoking’ their behaviour with it. It’s easy to put what happened in childhood together with what is happening now and form the conclusion that it ‘must’ be you.
You can’t please everyone all of the time but also these shenanigans aren’t about you, your worth and your ‘inadequacies’.
It’s also easy to trick yourself into believing that ‘other people’ are able to satisfy an Unpleasable but not only is this bullshit used to personalise their behaviour to you but you’re actually signing on to their sense of entitlement that you and these people are just here to serve their ego.
While some of The Unpleasables are aware of their perennial dissatisfaction and inappropriate expectations (and yet they continue anyway while not exactly being hot on meeting other people’s expectations including yours), there are plenty that just don’t realise that the way in which they interact with others and express gratitude (that’s if they even manage to) or their discontent gives the firm impression that they’re hellbent on never being happy.
Being perennially dissatisfied is a decision.
You might be able to please this person for a short period of time but the sinking sensation kicks in again as you realise that it’s time to jump through the next hoop.
It’s being a kid and trying really hard with something and your parent criticising your efforts. “You got 93%? It’s a shame you didn’t get full marks. What did you do wrong?” “You got 100% – it mustn’t have been a very hard test then!” “You got a C, you should have got a B…. You got a B after getting a C the last time… why didn’t you get an A?…You got an A? Did you cheat?”
It’s being compared to children in other families and your parent(s) lamenting their displeasure at you not being like these ‘Wonder Kids’. Of course they neglect to mention that they’re not exactly Parent of the Year themselves so you could be just like those children but they’d still be who they are.
It’s giving a gift and their “Is that it?” attitude or openly mocking or critiquing it. Then you buy increasingly expensive gifts and they say that you’re a “show off” and “wasting money” or you buy what they ask for and they go, “It’s a shame I don’t have people around me who don’t have to ask what I want…”
It’s working your arse off for a boss who takes the credit when you do well, blames you when they do badly, doesn’t encourage you, doesn’t give any feedback, expects you to mind read them and then says “You would go further in this place if you communicated better with me” so you try to talk to them about a project or ask questions and you’re told off for taking up their time and not being more “autonomous”.
The Unpleasables have an overblown sense of entitlement that ‘everyone’ (or whoever they’ve designated) is responsible for their satisfaction. Little do you realise is that they’re collecting a debt from their past by putting it on you and that they’re deeply unhappy people unable to draw on their own resources. This is sad but you don’t deserve to be treated this way to ‘make up’ for their past or their problems.
Trying to please The Unpleasables is essentially like throwing your energy into the abyss and while you break your back trying to gain their validation, attention and love, you completely deplete you of everything. There’s no tipping point.
You end up dependent on them for your worth, happiness, security, identity – everything. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t go down or continue on this road once their unreasonable behaviour became apparent. And it is unreasonable even if it’s ‘familiar’ or they claim that it’s ‘normal’ to behave in this way.
They’re dependent on you too though – they draw their energy from you (it’s why you feel drained) because even though they seem unpleasable, they get do get off on people jumping through hoops in much the same way that a narcissist knowing that you’re utterly miserable is enough to sustain them without having to engage directly with you.
What The Unpleasables fail to recognise is that they need to look inward and examine their own behaviour and the way in which they conduct their lives instead of blaming everyone else and trying to enforce their ‘entitlements’. The harder you try is the more you reinforce this idea that their actions are acceptable because what can at times be their ridiculousness and crazy-making are being rewarded.
It’s a sign of immense insecurity when a person is an Unpleasable. Instead of putting them on a pedestal, recognise their criticisms and inability to ever be pleased as a weakness not a strength.
People pleasing will cause you to do things for the wrong reasons and ultimately you’re not living your life. You have to make a very conscious choice to stop and then keep making the same decision every day – it diminishes their power over you while increasing your own power over you.
The person who cannot be pleased is the same person who has little gratitude for what they do have because they always focus on what they don’t have and what they don’t have is distorted anyway because they never acknowledged and appreciated what they do have and the efforts of others in the first place.
Stop trying to be perfect in the hope that they’ll cut you some slack – cut yourself some slack!
It’s a sign of our maturity as adults when we don’t treat people like servants to cater to our every whim and when we take responsibility for asserting and meeting our own needs, wishes, and expectations. I know that it was part of my ascent into being me when I stopped wanting or needing the approval of my mother because I prioritised my own approval which was no longer based on her approval. This immediately changed the nature of our relationship – adult to adult.
This is your life and it’s time to get on with the business of learning how to please you and meet your own needs – your role in life isn’t scapegoat or to be kicked to make someone else feel better about their own turmoil. Whether you devote your life to an Unpleasable or choose to step into your own life, they’re still not going to be pleased but only one of these options represents you being able to find your own happiness independently of their chaos. Choose wisely, choose you.