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The bitterest tears shed over gr...

Posted Sep 12 2008 3:36pm

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

Part of moving on from a relationship or a situation or accepting change in our lives is to make sure we have communicated, in some form or fashion, everything we want to say about it and everything we want to do about it.

When a relationship ends or changes permanently and we experience grief, part of that grief is a restless anxiety and some of that anxiety comes from that which is unsaid or undone. But whether that person has died or has simply moved out of our lives, we cannot move on completely unless we communicate the unsaid and do the undone.

This does not mean we say this to the person, but rather that we collect our thoughts and feelings, inventory them and express them to a friend or therapist or support group.

If we have discovered we have unfinished business with people long ago, we can do this with them as well as the person who walked out the door yesterday. This works for unfinished business long ago and unfinished business now. Finish your unfinished business and stop the bitter tears of regret.

What remains unsaid are:

1. communications of great emotion.
2. communications of regret and apology.
3. communications of forgiveness.
4. communications about your role in the relationship and how it is like other relationships you’ve had (your patterns).

Spend some days and weeks writing out these 4 types of communications. Do an inventory and make sure you have covered all the bases. Put it away for a while and come back to it. Be as thorough as you can. It may take a few weeks.

When you are done review all of the lists and sit down and write a letter using all the lists. When you have finished, read it out loud to a friend or therapist or support group. DO NOT send it to the person who is out of your life. This letter is about YOU, not about them.

After reading it, burn the letter or tear it up and bury it.

Go out and do something nice for yourself.

You are finishing your unfinished business and you deserve it.

For more on Grief and Loss and Finishing Unfinished Business click these links:

GPYP website

GPYP Grief and Loss Audio Lesson

All Blog Posts on Grief

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