Yes...you guys can do it, too. You really can. We aren't the only ones who are multi-orgasmic. You've been lied to all these years. The thing is that you have to retrain the body to relearn how to separate your orgasms from ejaculation. This can be a quick thing or something that takes time, depending on the man.

Yes, you heard me: orgasm and ejaculation are two different physiological functions. They are. You've been led to believe they are the same thing because that's all you've been taught and probably all you've experienced. But it simply isn't true. Many men spontaneously have orgasms without ejaculating. The ones who don't, can train their bodies to do so. And it doesn't matter how old you are. My Old Guy, bless his soul, was 68 before he began his training and turned into a multi-orgasmic machine.

In order to have this work well and efficiently, it's best to have done your earlier training. You wouldn't compete at the French Open after only taking two tennis lessons. This stuff is no different. Yes, of course you can do the massage without these skills, but the best way to get your body to learn a different way to operate is to practice and come into it having mastered the basic training. We will assume you are a guy who's practiced at least your breathing, your PC pump and hopefully, your pelvic rock, too. You've practiced combining all three until you don't even have to think about it now...your body will just do it automatically upon demand. It's also in your best interests to have practiced bringing the energy up through your body.

And maybe now you understand one of the reasons why I spent so much time and effort stressing all the breathing and pumping stuff that seemed to have no purpose. I've seen too many men become multi orgasmic to not believe this stuff works. But you have to actually practice it. All that stuff preliminary stuff is good to learn how to bring orgasmic energy up and diffuse it all through your body....getting it out of just the genital area. This leads to more intense energy, therefore more and different experiences of orgasm.

This is grand fun, so just come to it with an attitude of play, discovery new adventures in love play. Have lube, water for you both to drink, towels, great music you both like. Get your love making area ready for an extended time of play. Beds are really good for this, floors work and a couch will do, too. Just be sure you are comfortable and that your partner has pillows and such to be comfy. It's best NOT to have consumed alcohol or any other drugs. Not even one glass of wine. You both need your conscious minds here.

Ok...so here's a side, but important, little pep talk for the two partners. I did this lots. I'm doing this from memory, combining stuff learned from Teachers, stuff from books, stuff I intuited, stuff I invented and practiced "in the field," so to speak so learned a few of the basic considerations and challenges of this play. I want to share them so you get the optimal experience.

For Him: Sweetie...it's time for you to let go and let your woman Do you. This is not the time for you to be touching her, for you to be getting all twitchy about lying there and receiving. If you don't feel comfortable just receiving, do it anyway and deal. Your job is to try something different and just focus on your internal sensations. First you will focus on the body massage. Then you are to focus on your whole body, your balls, your perineum, your cock and the all the little feelings that will start moving through your body. Be in your body. You are not to focus on your woman't breasts, her face, her ass or her pussy. Your only focus on her is to look in her eyes and keep in communication with her about what feels good, what could feel better.

Give her direction. She's good, but chances are she isn't psychic and the ONLY person that knows what you want is YOU. This not the time to be shy...nor is it the time to be an asshole. If you want something different, know she is trying and wants to give it to you. Say things like...that rhythm feels good, and now could you please apply a little more pressure? Or....I'm enjoying that stroke, but I'm thinking I would like a little more attention paid to the head and less to the shaft. Whatever feels right to you. And remember there is a line between controlling the situation and getting what you want while receiving. Learn balance, play with it. Be open to her reminding you this is a time for you to receive. There's more to learning how to become multi-orgasmic than just getting stroked the right way.

For Her: If he's anything like 92% of my partners, he will be twitchy lying there at first. Even if you aren't dommie at all, this is the time to call upon that part of you and continue to seduce him into letting go of his need to be in control. Remind him to stay in his body, but be connected to your eyes. This, unfortunately, is about 61% of your job until he gets so turned on that he finally has to let go because there's nothing else he can do. Remain open but vigilant in the balance between listening and working with his instructions and that line of when he is running the show. If he gets ouchie or prickly, remind him it's in his best interests to let go as the rewards are pretty spiffilicious (the new word of the month). Stay fun and playful, even if he forgets to. If he shares his desires in a way that tweaks you, then sweetly ask him to try a different form of communication.

Don't take it personally when he instructs you. Come with the attitude that are learning him like he is a new partner. I promise that after a few times of doing this, he will not need to tell you how he wants it. You will know and only have to get nuances. Until then, even if you've been partners for a long time, you must be open to him and give him permission to speak his needs without taking it personally. In fact, especially if you been partners for a long time...because you might learn that he hasn't been telling you what he likes and needs. Continue to be in gratitude that you are getting the opportunity to learn another way with him. I can see this topic of communication is turning into another post, so I'll just leave that for now.

Now that you have been reminded of the best mindset to bring to this game.....

So...you've created your Sacred Space (or not) and are now ready to begin. Since you've probably come into this session with the intent of going this direction, the guy lies down and settles in for his preliminary whole body massage.

I like it best to start with a back massage. Lightly using some oil makes for a better massage as you can do deep, long strokes that feel good instead of pinching. Take your time...making it more of a relaxing one at first, to knead all the stress out of his back...slowly making your way down to his legs and upper thighs. I generally do back first, then legs, then bring the focus to center and concentrate on his ass, loosening all the tension there (we hold most of our stress in the shoulders and butt.) Dig deep...the butt can take lots of pressure. Really knead that sweet ass, working out the crinks of his day. Don't talk too much during this...we want him to get more and more internally focused and if two are talking, he will focus on outwardly, instead of in his body. Just gently remind him to ssshh and feel, letting go into the sensations.

After you've worked the back pieces and parts individually, then combine them and flow the strokes over his whole backside, bringing it all together. A little lick here and there is always fun, but you don't want him to get too excited or too hard before he turns over. Not comfy. When the back massage feels complete, then gently whisper in his ear and invite him to roll over. You will need to make sure you have with pillows to prop yourself. You may be there for awhile and it's nice to not have to interupt the flow to get something out of reach. I find it best to have my partner lie on his back with me sitting cross legged at his crotch, his legs draped over mine, with his lovely cock and balls right there in front of me in all their glory. Yum.

Once he rolls over, I generally start on the chest, reaching up and leaning over his cock to get my arms all the way to his shoulders. Knead the chest, but be careful if he's hairy to not pull hairs. Incorporate the arms. I do strokes all the way down to the hands. This back and frontal body thing isn't too long...like maybe 10-20 minutes on his backside, then 10 or so on the front before bringing the energy to his cock and balls. This pre-massage of the whole body is for two reasons-it relaxes him...but more important: it gets him feeling inward and brings his focus to his whole body as a sex organ, not just the cock. This will give him a body reminder of all the places he wants to be bringing the orgasmic energy.

Eventually you bring the focus and energy to the cock. If I've used some oil, I at least wipe my hands on towels a bit at this point. Don't go there full bore..tease him. Light strokes, then going to the thighs, brushing it as you pass by are all great preludes to give the message, again that his sexuality is in his whole body. Generally increase the amount of time focused there, going back to the legs or chest, back to cock...like that sort of thing.

This next step is a delicate balance and play time between the two of you, requiring communication at all levels.

Disclaimer...the minute I say things like "most men," there will be about fifteen guys who like it the opposite way. So...again...all these are generalities and you MUST find out from your particular partner what he's wanting, liking, needing in the moment. So, now with that in mind:

I always start my hand jobs with very light pressure. I usually don't use lube the first thing because I'm still working the rest of the body. It's really important that if you don't have lube at first, you don't rub the skin roughly. Most of the greatest stuff is done best with lube, but don't be afraid to touch him without lube. Generally speaking, preliminary shaft work is safe non lubed IF you just move the skin over the inner tissue and don't move your hands on the skin stroking. Best to ask your man what he likes. I also find that if you touch the head, without lube, it's best to not rub the skin, but rather use light pressure in one spot, the move the fingers without touching the skin and applying pressure somewhere else. Think about it...do you appreciate people rubbing/stroking your clit heavily without lube? Well..maybe you do, but I sure don't.

Be sure to vary the strokes while he is getting hard- if he isn't hard already, which he very well may be. But we'll start at square one. Remember...all guys are different. All like different pressures and strokes...and like different pressures at different times. Women...this is the time to learn your man. Play, experiment with stuff you've never tried before. The whole idea about this early thing is trying to see what works. You may both hit upon something neither one of you has ever thought of before...and find out it's the best things since Christmas. Once you do start to focus heavily on his genital area, you must use lube.

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*****Lube considerations and the fine art of spit management:******

I generally use water based lubes for this, although during my Tantra days, if this was the only activity planned, (ie, no condoms were in the plan for this session) we discovered a great lube that is actually old fashioned hair grease. It's called Albolene Cream and the report from men is that it's the most divine lube on the planet for cock massage. Not good for intercourse as it's petroleum based and we women don't likey in our vaginas. Albolene is cheap and at Drugs stores across America.

But...again, I generally use water based lubes, which dry out. As it gets icky to keep adding more lube, and since it reconstitutes itself with moisture, you just need to spit on it from time to time and it's just like new.

You will need to make sure you are well hydrated (one reason wine is not a good idea is that your mouth gets dry). When I'm doing this adventure, I keep taking sips from the glass I have conveniently placed closeby. Lubed cocks always seemed to dry out just when things were getting really hot and heavy....and I didn't want to stop to fix the dry lube situation. So I played with it and came up with what was, for me, a great solution (maybe everyone knows this, but I didn't).

When I start to notice he's getting dry, I start to create more saliva in my mouth until there's lots. Then on a downstroke I let a bunch of spit out onto the cock, grab it on the upstroke, then spread it around on the way down and through the next few strokes. I sometimes spit more than once. Again..this is not a hawking sort of spit, it's just letting it slowly out of the mouth to drizzle on the cock. When done with practice it becomes smooth without missing a beat. And generally good for a moan or four.

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Back to playing:

You're starting to build the energy, which you want to be doing for a long time to get it diffused all over his body. Remind him to tune into his breathing to being his focus into his body. You can begin to gently play from time to time with him bringing the energy up the chakras, pumping the PC, breathing and doing the pelvic rock. Practice now so that when it gets intense, you've already done it a few times and are not starting cold turkey, so to speak. High levels of arousal are not the time to first practice a new technique.

Although I will touch on some of the ones I've found to be pretty universally appreciated, I'm not going to go into tons of strokes on here....too much work, I am lazy and it's already been done. Some good books are ones by Lou Paget, who learned lots of her strokes from gay men. Another is Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man. I like learning from gay men because they know what these things actually feel like from both the giving and receiving perspectives, whereas I will never be able to know what a cock feels like. Finally, The Guide To Getting It On is also an excellant resource for learning various strokes. We aren't born knowing this stuff. Why is it that we assume we have to be an expert about a body that isn't like ours? Or even one like ours but inhabited by another personality? It's OK to check out and learn from others. It's also way fun to run across stuff we never would have thought of.

Sometimes, with everything being so outside the normal way He's done sex in the past, He isn't hard yet. If that's the case, one stroke that many guys seem to like is called "Around The World." Imagine the cock is the hand of a clock. Place the cock in the 6:00 position, so the head is facing toward the feet. You take your right hand, thumb down so the hand is approaching the cock from above. Sarting at the base, pull/massage the lubed cock with a sweeping, spiral motion around the shaft up to the head, keeping the cock in that 6:00 position. When the right hand reaches the head, do the same thing with the left hand, keeping the cock there in the 6:00 position. Then put your right hand at the base of the cock just as the left reaches the head. As you spiral stroke with the right hand you move it to about 7:00 position. Then keeping the cock there, just as the right hand reaches the head, you do the same stroke with the left hand starting at the base of the cock. Then as the left hand reaches the head, the right starts at the base while moving the cock to 9:00, etc. You keep going all the way around the clock. All this is done flowing from hand to hand and not stopping, one or the other hand always in contact with the cock. Start light and then increase pressure as your guy gives you feedback. This is for a not fully erect penis. It isn't as comfy when he's really hard. (although some men like it then, too, you just can't get it pointed down very well). Once he starts getting harder, play another way.

Play...roll his cock between your two hands, hold the head with one hand while the other goes up and down, hold the base of his cock while the other goes up and down in the regular jerk off motion, do suckie things with your hands.

One really cool thing...that was invented by some Tantra folks I know- this will not work if you are seated between his legs. But I do want to mention it for other times you may be massaging him and you are able to kiss him at the same time (faces are close together). You can start to massage him while first taking his top lip in your mouth and softly sucking. Then you lightly massage just the frenulum (the little place on the middle underside of the cock where there is a little upward arc of the corona/head) while you lightly suck between his eyes. Drives some men nuts. Why? Cute little tidbit of esoterica: Ever hear of foot reflexology? There is cock reflexology, too. The frenulum is the place that corresponds to the third eye. So when you suck on the third eye area and lightly massage the frenulum, some men report a direct zappy line of energy from one to the other. Again...not all, but keep trying as you practice more over the months. New inner energetic pathways develop with time so even if you don't feel it now, you might in the future as your body changes.

The thing here is that EVERY guy I know likes it different. Lots of this will be new for both of you, so you have to have communication and expect that some things will work well and some won't. How the hell are either of you to expect to know what's going to do it for your guy?

While every man is different, there is one stroke that, to date, every guy I've done this with has gone wild. Variations of it are in both Lou Paget's book and the Gay Man book mentioned above.

Lots of lube needed here and one where it is good to have the spit maneuver mastered. I usually hold the base of the cock with one hand. The other grasps the cock with your thumb down. Then spiral that hand up the cock, making a swirling motion that goes over the head. Your hand is now headed the other way down the cock to the base again,with the thumb on the topside, rather than facing his body. When you reach the base this way you swirl the hand again at the base to get the thumb facing down again and keep this motion going rhythmically.

When I met Loverman, and we were doing the preliminary, verbal sexual discovery thing, he said he wasn't too into hands. But I can be persistent and he agreed to play like this one evening. He is now hooked and constantly asks for this, kinda swoons every time. Albert loves this one. All my partners have loved this one. And...as many men find it so arousing, you have to watch it because you don't want your guy to come just yet. So only do it a bit at this point in time.

And don't forget about incorporating the rest of his body. Take a bit of time and make sure to include a run up his chest or down his legs at various intervals between types of stroking play. Another interesting move- flatten your hand, placing it above the pubic bone. Put pressure. Reports are that the sensations are heightened. Another one if your partner doesn't always get fully erect, or even if he does, it can increase sensations for him-encircle the base of the cock with your fingers in an O and keep them there. Press into his pelvis a bit with it. This will make him more erect, keeping the venous flow in the cock, increasing sensitivity. And...wow...another whole post could be written just on ball delights, but this post is getting too long already to go there. Upshot is...include them. Also include the perineum, where you can dig pretty deep and put pressure on the prostate.

So you've got your strokes down and are playing and things are getting a little more intense.

Now begins the fun/work part of the play.

He focuses on what his level of arousal is. You can give it a number from 1-10 with one being flaccid and 9 being the point of no return, 10 in the middle of an orgasm. When you start playing with these sessions, it's fun to start bringing the energy up at various times then back off. Again...play...you are diffusing the energy, retraining the body to move orgasmic energy all through it, rather than just in the genitals. A number of my past partners used say that they experienced stronger, full body orgasms once they started playing this way. I attribute this to bringing the energy up then down, then up again, then down. What happens is that you bring the body to a certain level of arousal, then bring the cock down a bit, but the body retains some of the hum from the previous build. Remember you're charging the whole body with orgasmic energy when you do this. When the man finally does orgasm fully or ejaculate, his body is fully amped to go bezerk.

The juicy parts:

She has been playing and varying strokes and the two of you have been playing with him bringing the energy up while she still strokes. You breathe together and maybe pump the PC together. Look into each others' eyes. Finally, she decides to bring the energy way up. So she begins to focus on one stroke that really turns him on. He pays attention to his level of arousal. The first time, he tells her to stop at level 5. She just holds the cock, maybe the balls, too, while he breathes strongly, brings the energy up as he contracts the PC a number of times,and combines the pelvic tilt (if he has that down). Then when he gets his arousal level back down to level 3, they begin again. This time bring it to 6, then 7, then 8. Eight is when it starts to get really tricky. She needs to keep him focused by reminding him to look into her eyes and tell him when he reaches 8 so She can slow down/stop and him not go over the edge of no return.

If he gets a bit too close to the edge and wants help, she can squeeze right under the head while putting the other hand around the top of the balls, right under the base of the cock to pull the balls back from the body. Be sure you aren's squeezing the balls....just encircle the top of the scrotal sack with your fingers in an "O." Women- be sensitive, but don't be shy. I've had men ask me to bite their head to hold off their ejaculation, but don't start there as that's a bit extreme. But once people start to play with this, they want to prolong it and feel extended pleasure.

If he gets too far over the edge, just ejaculate. Have fun with it. Be happy. There's always another chance to play.

The ultimate goal is for him to learn his body well enough and communicate with Her enough that when he reaches 8 or 8.5, she slows down or stops, he does his diffusing just until it reaches maybe a 7, then builds again. During this diffusing part, I often do a light sweeping massage and bring the energy up from the perineum to the heart. Margo Anand used to tell us that the trick to being multi-orgasmic is being able to maintain complete relaxation in high states of arousal. This diffusing, bringing the energy up is a melting into the Orgasmic kind of energy rather than intense bunny-rabbit forcing it.* It's about inviting the energy instead of pushing or forcing it.

What I've been told and witnessed (as I am not a guy, I have to rely on being told) is that eventually, even though the guy doesn't ejaculate, there is so much energy that he starts to ride that point of almost going over the edge (raising it to 8.5, going back down to 8, a number of times) until he actually starts to orgasm without ejaculating. The first time this happens, it might be intense. As time goes on, the feeling will be more familiar. Eventually, some men can have eight orgasms or more before deciding to ejaculate. And...everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with you if you don't learn how to do this. If you are the kind of person who sees sex only for the end goal of an orgasm, then this might not be fun for you. You have to like prolonged pleasure. I've had partners that aren't interested in that, and that's just fine.

It's good to remember that generally guys want you increase pressure and speed the closer they get to the edge. As men age, they sometimes need more to maintain the level of arousal that they had when younger. Sometimes just faster and harder is NOT what's needed. I've noticed many men who self pleasure by wanking away, wanking harder and harder only to get frustrated that they aren't getting anywhere. Sometimes they ask for harder and stronger, but the more frustrated they get the further away arousal goes. Sometimes it's best to just stop and breathe a bit. Maybe get up, go pee, get something to drink. Anything to shift the energy. Then come back and start refreshed with energy renewed and shifted. Start off by connecting with his eyes, distracting him from his cock...again...lightly massaging the chest first then starting cock focus again. Then this time when when it gets closer, instead of wanking furiously, just do his favorite stroke in a steady, medium pressured way. Focus not only on his cock, but also see/feel your heart pouring out love to him, bringing that feeling up to your eyes. Connect.

And remember: it's just one way to play, one option and way fun, but there are other things that are just as much fun and the most important thing is the connection you have with your partner.

This exercise is great for men with Premature Ejaculation, also, in that they learn the earlier signals before the point of no return and can adjust accordingly. I've heard of studies which say that for many men (not all) the reason they have PE is only because they haven't aren't aware of and haven't practiced what comes naturally for longer lasting men. When these guy get close, they automatically slow down, or change angles or a number of things to control their arousal level. When the PE inclined fella learns to listen to the earlier signals and adjust, he, too can better control his ability to prolong his sexual experience.

When He finally does ejaculate, he will probably be pretty wiped out emotionally, might be pretty peaceful but energized otherwise** I always do light massage to bring the energy down after holding cock and balls in my hand for awhile. Sometimes my one hand is on Cock and the other on his heart...it just seems to go there and I synch my breath with His. Cuddle, cuddle time now.

When I Do my partner, I generally ask that this be it. I don't want Him to focus on me at all as this is a gift from me to Him. I've heard that many men don't focus on their partners to begin with....and this is not who I am addressing this to- I have only had one partner like that, that I can remember. All the other long term partners I've had are most attentive to the point of not knowing how to just receive. In the crazy way I operate, I find it really great to invite someone who gives all the time to just sit with their discomfort of only receiving. It's just one of those dark taboos I love to play with.

*which I also enjoy...this is just another way
**which is different than most male post-ejaculation behavior...this stuff often energizes rather than depletes...a Taoist thing to increase life expectancy by re-vitalizing the body with Life energy.

Image from Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman.

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