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Talk To Me, Baby!

Posted Feb 27 2008 12:00am

Many of us find it difficult to say anything during sex. It feels awkward or fake-sounding. Yet, talking sexy before, during, and after intercourse is an erotic element that enhances the overall experience for both spouses. So how do we do it…that is, talk sexy? Here is a composite of various materials I’ve been studying and practices I believe work.

Be you. Sex talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you’ve seen in the movies or porn! You might have this idea that sex talk is something specific. But good sex talk is completely what you make of it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your sex talk (e.g. the ravished sex slave) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration. If you are shy and timid, exploit that in your sex talk.

Find your voice. You need to find your own way of talking sex. Your sex talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don’t need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation when your spouse doesn’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!

Expand vocabulary. I’ll spend some time on this one. Most of us are raised not to swear. However, try saying “Dearest, I need you to accelerate your thrusting motion as I am about to experience orgasm.” Ummmm, no! If you’re at a loss, create a list of phrases and terms with which you are comfortable. I personally don’t have a problem with ‘cock’ or ‘pussy’ in the bedroom. I use it here not for shock value but in an effort to be transparent and to challenge assumptions. We can disagree on what words are best to use. For the purposes of this point, I encourage you to make your own list. ‘Dirty’ is a term that has to be defined by context, the intentions and effects invoked by the user and usage. I would avoid terms that are clearly demeaning. I am not a whore, prostitute, or bitch. Such terms may betray the intention of intimacy which is to draw ‘equals’ closer together. Enough said…

Practice. Start on your own, talking sex while you bathe. Fantasize about having sex with your husband or wife, and talking provocatively to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud. This is not acting! This is you adding another dynamic to acts of intimacy that enhance quality and results.

Establish ground rules. One of the reasons many of us don’t talk sexy is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by our spouse. It’s important to set some rules when you’re willing to take risks like this. Rules like ‘no laughing’ at one another, and ‘no judgment’ are important. In the heat of the moment, uncharacteristically provocative words and phrases can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your husband is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.

Start slow the first time. Don’t feel as if you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with sexy talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like “I love the way your hand feels in my….” or “Your …feels so good on/in my…” Describe what’s happening and how it feels in or to your body. You can also experiment by telling your spouse something you’re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.

Experiment. Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Your husband or wife loves your voice! Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage (short, rapid phrases), while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.

Make it conversational. Once you’ve taken the risk and initiated talking sexy with your spouse, ask them to do the same if necessary. It isn’t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of sexy talk can give you a different perspective on it. Plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn’t already know!

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