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Step up or step aside

Posted Jul 28 2008 8:15pm

You have agreed to be exclusive with your beau. But he is not providing all he’s agreed to when you each articulated your needs to be exclusive. You’ve reminded him of the things you said you needed and he said he’d provide. He acknowledges he knows. He does not say he can’t give you these things or that they will take time. You’ve given him what he said he needs. But he isn’t consistent with coming through on what is important to you.

So he has to step up.

And if he won’t or can’t, he has to step aside.

A “need” is something that you absolutely must have in a relationship. Monogamy. Loyalty. Honesty. Affection. Communication. Sex. Laugher. Respect.

A “want” is something you would really like to have. Flowers. Weekly date nights. Indy movie viewings.

A need is like water, food, air and sleep. If you don’t have these, you don’t function. In a relationship, needs are the key elements for your satisfaction. Wants are icing on the cake.

If he’s not giving you what is essential for you, he’s not stepping up. So he has to step aside. If he is emotionally mature, he will realize that if he can’t or won’t supply what you need from a relationship partner, then he’s compelled to step aside. Or if he isn’t emotionally mature, you will have to move him aside so you can move on. Don’t let your agreement to exclusivity bind you in a relationship where you aren’t receiving crucial elements. You’ve got to get what you know is necessary for your happiness in a relationship.

Imagine you are on a path with someone and instead of being by your side, supporting your progress as you are his, he’s in your way and holding you back. You can shoulder the burden of his being a pull on you rather than a support only so long, then you have to decide for your own survival to move him aside so you don’t languish. It is a hard decision and if he truly cares about you and sees he’s in your way to happiness, he will step aside on his own. But those who are more self-absorbed will just block your path and try to make you feel guilty for wanting to proceed. Move them aside quickly or you will be stuck there with them for far too long.

Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

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