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Sex Coaching: Sex, Creativity and the Taoist Arts of Love

Posted Sep 22 2012 5:18am

I signed up for sex coaching this week with Uta Demontis . The past six months have been challenging physically and emotionally and I’ve lost a bit of my spark. Living with chronic pain – in my case a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis – is unpredictable and can leave you feeling depressed and low in energy. I want to reconnect my body with pleasure rather than pain so am exploring various ways to do this – hot yoga, exercise, orgasms (the best pain relief going!) and supporting myself with natural nutrition, herbs and therapies.

Prior to our first session I sent Uta an outline of what I want to achieve over the next few sessions – boosting my sexual energy, exploring the link between sex and creativity, increasing breast sensitivity, and focusing on pleasure rather than pain. I’ve been reading Naomi Wolf’s new book: Vagina – A New Biography, which explores the link between sex and creativity. I’ve experienced this type of flow before so I know how powerful sexual energy can be and what I can achieve when I’m in tune with my body. I want to play with this so it’s a case of creating some structure, getting support and making that regular time for myself – hence the coaching work.

Session 1

The focus for session 1 was on prioritising my goals, making the commitment and finding practical ways to do it. I had to identify a time of my life when I felt in my power, sensual, open and creative. Pregnancy came to mind. The second trimester particularly, once the morning sickness had gone and I had more energy. I felt in tune with my body, intuitive, creative, more sensitive to touch, easy to orgasm and I thought about sex a lot. I had two book deals on the go and was working on a new project in London – its first interactive sex museum. Growing new life inspired me in many ways and I seemed to attract more opportunities so the sex/creativity link is a cycle that needs to be nurtured. It’s a state of mind and body I’d like to recreate without being pregnancy so we explored Taoist sexual energy techniques I can use at home to help me tap into that energy again.

I have to identify a good time to dedicate to my practice when I’m not going to be interrupted. I have a couple of child-free nights but tend to use these to catch up on writing, domestics and friends so I’ve not been making time or space to nurture myself and let things flow. It’s about showing up for myself so momentum builds and things will happen. I’ve put it in the diary for the next few weeks. Being accountable to a coach also means I have to do the work to feedback at the next session. The Taoist sexual energy techniques we are using are based on Mantak Chia’s work: jade love eggs to strengthen the pelvic floor, breast massage, meditation, visualisation and self-hypnosis. Uta recommended going for walks, massage or another form of exercise to help me get into the zone before I start. 

The final half of the session focused on practical exercises – guided visualisation, NLP techniques and self-hypnosis. There’s an NLP technique called ‘anchoring’ that involves me visualising myself at at time I want to recreate and seeing it in technicolour, as vivid as possible. I have to be in the centre of it, feeling and experiencing those sensations rather than watching myself in a movie. As soon as I was feeling those sensations I had to enhance them and then press my thumb and first finger firmly together for 30 seconds to ‘anchor’ that state in my mind. It’s a technique I can use at home prior to my sessions to help me tune in. I’ve tried it a couple of times since the session and found myself wet so it does have a physical effect. 

We also talked about the benefits of breast massage and how to do it properly. Since going on a gluten-free, anti-inflammatory diet I’ve lost weight. It always comes off my top half first so there’s less tissue to play with and my nipples aren’t as sensitive. I don’t touch them as often for that reason so it’s a cycle I’d like to break as I know how sensitive they can be – during pregnancy I could orgasm easily from nipple play. My breasts were sensitive when I was breastfeeding and it gave me physical pleasure so they weren’t off limits to my partner. Alas he wasn’t into the idea of being squirted with breast milk! I just found it really sexy before the soreness kicked in…

Here is a basic technique for breast massage from Uta (for more detail and background see Mantak Chia’s book: Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy) .

‘Open your heart before you start with the breast massage (i.e. get into a receptive state so you feel relaxed). When you are connected with love and joy let that energy flow into your hands. Only then begin to massage your breasts. Smile into them. Send them thoughts of love and appreciation. Touch them sensually and explore other ways of touching them (try nipple clamps, wax, oils, feathers etc). With time, touching your breasts lovingly, sensually and regularly will bring sensations into them so they will feel more sensitive and alive.’

I found the first session interesting and surprising – mainly for the observation that I was animated and opened up physically when talking about my pregnancy. The thought of tapping into that again five years on isn’t something that had occured to me so if I can use my body’s memories as a vehicle to build energy and creativity then I’m all for a little playwork. It’s also nice to have some structure and intention around the sessions to keep the momentum going. I like the idea of regular deposits into my ‘energy bank’ to stop myself becoming depleted. I will buy or make some feminine aromatherapy oils for the massage – rose and jasmine are both powerful. 

Uta Demontis is a sex & relationship coach, sexuality educator and workshop facilitator specialising in the Taoist arts of love. She works with men, women and couples who have sexual concerns and relationship difficulties and who desire to experience deeper joy, pleasure and love in their lives. She offers coaching in London and worldwide via Skype and telephone. See her website, , for further details.

Photo credit: Lueungchung @ Vee


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