One thing I have pondered in regards to the various blogs of courtesans and escorts, is that the fact that we sleep with married men is never discussed. I find that so interesting. I wonder if they ever think about it and if it gives them any pause. I sure have thought about it lots.
(Disclamer: Now, before I begin I want to be infinitely clear that I have absolutely no ideas, judgements, or anything elses around anyone's decisions in life and how they choose to operate in the world, internally or externally. I like that there is variety in the ways we see things and live our lives. I think that relativism makes for Deliciously Spicy Life. I love that people think the way they do and I like the same respect that I extend.)
Outside of this mistress thing, there are only two men I have slept with whom I have known are married and where the wife did not know me and know we were going to be together (I run in poly crowds). I chose to do so with both for very clear and conscious reasons. One was for what I call an "educational" experience. It was right after my divorce and I was completelyobsessed with wanting to find a true master/dominant and find out what that was all about. I had talked to a few and quite honestly, they scared the shit out of me. From the moment I first talked to this man I felt an instant connection and totally trusted him in this game. It was a very powerful experience that lasted a few months. As time went on and I learned what I wanted to learn from the experience, I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with his wife not knowing about me. I cut it off.
The other one is my Loverman. He originally contacted me when I had an ad to meet potential new patrons/paramours. He was honest about being married. He had left his wife once before years ago and had returned for his kids (who were now grown.) He had been wanting to fall in love again and had been looking actively for five years. His plan was that when he met the woman he knew was his partner, he would leave the marriage that had died many years ago. If that did not happen, he was willing to live a half life and not make waves. Although it was breaking all my rules, I just did what I did with him. I felt it was important and way past time to break some of my "rules."
It's an odd thing for me, this sleeping with married men. It's just one of those paradox things that are me. In my life, truth in relationship is primary to me. I never had any kind of affair when I was married for 18 years. I cannot see myself now being with anyone else besides my Loverman without us discussing it first. I just cannot imagine how I would function. Like my kids say: I am a terrible liar. Yup, I suck at it.
With all of that....
One of the primary reasons I started doing this was that I saw a need.
I see that there is a group of men out there that are dying in their marriages. They have been there for a long time and often the sex has died for one reason or another. I will address my feelings on wives' roles in this some other time, but suffice it to say it just happens. As I tell these men who I talk to: "unfortunately, you are part of a huge club."
So what's a guy to do in a marriage that has died sexually but he still loves and cares for his wife, thier family, history and life that they have built? He has tried over and over to get more sex. What he sees is that his clock is ticking and all he has heard from the experts is that soon he won't be as virile. Is he supposed to just 'go without' to appease a wife who does not want to be physical but is too afraid to give him permission to get that physical closeness he needs somewhere?
In my searches I was extremely picky. My men were over 50. I was looking for some reason that made sense to me that I could move ahead with this married man. I culled out the ones who had had affairs most of their married lives, the players, the ones I felt were just out for a fuck. Odd as it sounds, I feel most comfortable with the men who feel a sense of guilt about doing what they are doing. It tells me they are thoughtful in this. In fact, those men I applaud for doing something that is difficult for them but they do it any way to experience themselves, fun, bodies and all that is sensual and supportive. They are taking a leap that is huge for them. They want to be fully alive. I feel honored to be able to support them in that.
I have also been told more than once that in being with me, the men no longer felt the need to leave their marriage. The fun, the release (both sexual and out of bedroom play) from our times together made it so that leaving the marriage t to find happiness was not this huge vital issue it had been. Happiness was right there. They could have both.
Do I wish that they would find what we have in their marriages? You bet. Is it my place to decide what others should do in their lives or the best way to find that happiness? Nope. While I think that only truth can create true intimacy in marriage and life, it is not an easy one to do. My place is to support my men. I think I have done it well.
No one commented on this article in an entire year? How strange I find that!
I understand what this gal has written but I don't understand wanting to share your life with a person as the #2 person in their life, knowing they will not leave their marriage for you. How can you be content in that?
I also am having an affair with a married man, I have known him for 29 years. We went to high school together. I know his wife (or at least who she is) as she also went to high school with us. We didn't mean to fall in love and start an affair but we did and as much as I feel terrible about the situation and know that their marriage is about to end it doesn't change the way I feel for this man. I would NOT agree to share!
I made it clear from the get go that if we fell for each other, I am NOT the sort of person who ideally sits by and plays second fiddle to a woman who doesn't even seem to realize or care WHAT her husband is doing from one minute to the next or any other woman for that matter.
He agreed, and since we have been together he has made the decision to leave although I asked him to wait to deliver the blow until after the holidays for the kids sake who are grown young men. I don't want their Christmas ruined because of our selfishness.
I agree with one very important thought in this article, Why and how should anyone expect someone whether man or woman to live unhappily in a dead marriage with no sex and utterly no real communication for the rest of their lives? We only live once, shouldn't we try our best to live our best and happiest and most fulfilling life possible?
I think we should, and hopefully my lover's ex will find the kind of connection and life she deserves and maybe and hopefully we will all end up living happily ever after!