Turns out Loverman is not excited about the prospect of me beginning Surrogate work. I don't think that he is excited about me even considering it.
When I met him, I was in long term Mistress relationships with three men. He started by telling me that he would eventually want monogamy. At first I was very resistant for a number of reasons. First is that, although I had been feeling like my time doing this was coming to an end, I did not think that end was coming this soon. I don’t like being told how to run my life. I don’t see relationships based on one person telling another what to do or providing boundaries for the other as healthy or ones I want to participate in. I cannot find a place within me that is comfortable looking at any one person as the last, one and only partner I will ever share sex with before I die.
It’s not like I feel the need to run out and fuck everything that moves. I had one of those cycles in my life, it was grand fun, and now I am on to something else. I may go back there, but I don’t see that for now. I never chose this line of work because I had to have lots of variety and lots of opportunity for fucking. My reasons were different and unique in this line of work (and I am finding myself even more of a freak than I thought I was now that I read the minds of most escorts on their blogs...but that is another topic).
While I will always want the option and freedom of having other partners, it’s not like I “feel the need” to go out and be with tons of partners. At this point in time, in this cycle of my sexual life, I don’t even want any other partners. But I also know that things change and that there is a very good chance that this will change in the future. Although I could be wrong, I see me having other partners more as a “when” it happens much more than an “if.”
Surrogate work, however, is not about fucking. I am not sure what need it meets in me. I think it has something to do with my being keenly interested and fascinated by the healing powers of connection with oneself and the potential of that as it is intensified in sensual/sexual experience. I am fascinated by genuine deep connection and what that simple, subtle act does in our human experience, how it hits us at profound levels. I think it is the same thing that drove me as a Courtesan. I don’t see myself as just a body taking money for fucking. I don’t see the man I was with as just money for my pocket or mindless cocks looking for the next different cunt in their hobby. From the beginning when I was more in traditional escort mode, I gave the men my considerations, my caring and my heart. I think that this business can be whatever one makes it and I chose to bring more of myself to it. It is not a matter of something being better or worse or more or anything else except what is me.
No matter how they may start, I don’t know how anyone can be in long term relationships like I was and not develop increasing feelings for the other over time. When you share strong energy with them, fonder feelings develop. I did not fall in love with my men, but I loved and still love them. I care about them, want them to prosper and be happy. I am seeing my life as continuing to be involved with Albert in a different way and am wondering how that is going to work with Loverman. While Loverman knows my heart is passionately entwined with his in ways that I have not felt with others, he also knows there are parts of me that can never get met in our relationship because of our differences. He wants me to be happy and to have these things. He knows Albert fills those and that with him I have a partner in crime for some things that make my heart sing: art of all sorts, scientific/metaphysical conversation and great food. None of these interest my man. Without them I am not "me."
I can see that although these are not his interests in life and neither one of us wants me to “drag” him to this stuff (eeuuw...not fun, not me) that this is difficult for him. He has been sitting and working in Italy. It has now been weeks since we have seen each other. And, although I am not being physical with Albert, he is someone I had a sexual relationship with in not too distant past. Loverman knows we like each other lots and could pick that up again. Then I start talking about being a Surrogate and he gets even more tweaked because he thinks I am pursuing it because I want to run around and fuck other men. That is not what it is about.
I found two blogs, one by an escort and one by her client. They have started to fall in love and develop a stronger thing between them. Reading their posts, and although he was never a patron, I am seeing lots about my Path with Loverman. It’s not an easy one to delineate. Where does the caring stop? How is it for the man when his woman is with another where it is work, but...stronger than just fucking for money? How can those of us who do sex work differently manage all the feelings involved while making sure we do our part in providing the environment for our loved ones to feel safe and comfortable? If business changes and money is not a consideration, will I want to pursue Surrogate work? Is it something I feel called to no matter what? Or is it the best alternative I can see in the options I would choose because I need to bring in some money? If I decide that I really want to do this independent of needs for an income and he is not comfortable with it, what will that do? He is not the kind of partner who would say no, but it would hurt. Will I push myself back and deny who I am to maintain the relationship? Do I even know who I am in this yet? Transitions.