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Reader Question: Do the sexual preferences & activities of Mr Unavailables indicate their feelings?

Posted Apr 21 2010 9:00am

Well after about what feels like one hundred and fifty bleepin’ takes, I have finally uploaded my first video post. For some odd reason, You Tube seems have selected a frame that makes me look like I’m swearing…but anyway…
In my first video post, Jenny asks:

Does sexual preference or sexual activities between two people provide an indication of how Mr. unavailable cares for you or loves you? I dont wanna get into graphic or explicit details, but my Mr Unavailable likes to slap me, tie me, choke me…etc does that mean he does not see me as a person that he cares enough for or loves, to not wanna do that? If I were his girlfriend or wife, then he would never wanna do that to me right? And if I don’t mind him doing that to me, does it mean that i have some underlying issues i need to deal with? I kinda enjoy the pain a bit and i never stop him.

Check out the video for my reply…




I can’t emphasise enough, everything is contextual in relationships. It’s very easy to get trapped in the detail in the quest for answers, validation, and reasons to blame yourself and justify your continuing behaviour. Whilst the finer detail of being slapped, choked, and tied up is certainly important, the ‘relationship’ you get is indicative of how someone feels – actions always speak louder than words.

Booty calls are not relationships – they are casual sex arrangements and people don’t tend to make these with people who they have any great regard for. In fact, the less someone cares, the easier it is to have a booty call.

This situation highlights how someone can end up being used in a very extreme way and you really need to learn how to say no. In fact, you just need to stop responding when he gets in touch. Personally, I know that if someone I was in a booty call situation with started slapping, choking, and tying me up, I’d be seriously caught off guard and be very afraid. It’s best to only engage in these situations with someone who you trust and you should certainly only be engaging in this type of sexual activity if it’s what you actually want to do. Safety in casual sex situations is of paramount importance and all the more so if you’re going to allow someone to slap, tie, and choke you.

Booty calls should also only be the domain of two people who have the same thing on the agenda. If one party feels more, it’s no longer a booty call – it’s someone setting themselves up for a major fall and if you stay in spite of wanting more, unfortunately the buck will stop with you.

Don’t allow yourself to coast along into situations – be conscious and pay attention because only you are responsible for you.

When someone only wants you for sex and you want more than that, a huge imbalance is created. You’ll always be on the backfoot, they have far too much power, and you’ll feel used and worthless when someone treats you like an object that they can shag and treat with utter disregard.

You’re worth more than being treated like this – an object for him to rough up when the mood takes him.

This man is taking advantage of what he perceives to be her lack of self-respect which works out quite handily for his aggressive sex situation….

If you are involved with someone who you are not able to ask questions and get clarity about what the situation is or you feel afraid to say ‘NO’, whether that is because they have conveyed that ‘no’ will be met with conflict or because you are the type of person that has little or no boundaries and is afraid to say no, it means you are in a bad situation, not just because of them, but also because of yourself.

If what you want is to be loved and cared about, let this guy go and get his kicks with someone who is totally fine with this type of arrangement – this is not you. From the moment that you start wondering about feelings in a booty call situation, it’s a major sign to halt. Even if you didn’t know that what you were getting into was a booty call situation, if you’re looking for a relationship, getting too far down the road into a sexual situation and then asking questions about the ‘meaning’, is like closing the door after the horse has bolted.

The overall behaviour of Mr Unavailable shows how much he cares – it’s limited. If you imagine you’re getting crumbs, you’re now also getting crumbs with aggressive sex. Be very careful that you don’t end up with a depleted self-esteem and engaging in a pattern of being treated in this way.
Take the focus off this man and switch it back to you. Ask yourself why you have ended up in this situation and what you are feeling about yourself right now that you would feel OK with being treated like this. You don’t need to be ‘punished’ and don’t let this man convince you that you’re someone not worthy of love and care, because you are – you just need to start acting like it and getting it as a basic from any relationship that you’re involved in.

Your thoughts?

My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men, including separated guys that flip flap in indecision, and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl . For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service .

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