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"That There Stuff" (or...real life)

Posted Jan 27 2009 7:13pm
Greenwoman in comments from the last post asked for an update on life in LaLaLand and with Loverman.

Los Angeles

I continue to be very happy that I followed my intuition and moved down here. I continue to be amazed and overwhelmed with the creative energy. It's intoxicating, exciting, wacky and wonderful. In the outer world, I've been meeting lots of interesting people...many from this blog. I never anticipated this wonderful by-product of writing here. I've gotten to meet Annie, Fusion, and a few others who don't have blogs but who reached out to connect. Everyone has been wonderful.

I've reconnected with my old, dearest Tantra sibling, Dawn Cartwright. What a trip that woman is!...a coyote/ trickster Teacher extraordinaire and premier button pusher! She is Tantra. It was wonderful being in her presence again and laughing lots.

I've been being gifted with mirrors all over the place. I'm going to a "healer's" group soon...laughing at myself and my inner gremlins all the while for saying this in this post:

"...Ask yourself without anger or blame: are you more invested in being "right" about stuff (like all the justifications for your victimhood and pain; not doing things to shift yourself "because this silly stuff doesn't work;" etc.) than finding inner peace and joy?"

Yeah.

I'm excited at how very quickly my energy's moving down here and that I get to have my shit flown in my face so quickly and efficiently. Breathe...sit with yer snarky gremlins, Gillette...be open to the healer. I love that he showed up when he did, how he did, and how I feel called to spend some time with him. Juicy.

One of my greatest gifts since moving down here is my new Tantra friend. I believe we have been very good for each other, not just because of the coaching aspect, but because we are both Tantrikas, both Leos and both find ourselves in very much the same life situation. We are both starting over again after a relationship didn't end up as we thought it would when we began. In the interim, both of us let go of our successful, happy lives. And now we both find ourselves needing to recreate something (new? the old but in a new way?). We connect regularly. She's a totally creative capitalist and we are talking about building an empire. She's welcomed me with open arms, we seem to embrace pretty much the same essence of Tantric Path (with different roads leading here, different tools on the surface, but always about presencing at the core) and (most importantly) she makes me laugh.

And she's been a Blessing for my emotional wellbeing. She's a little bit further upon the path of separation than I. At the beginning we focused more on her adventures. But now as time has gone by, she is being an angel for me as a wisewoman mirror and crystal clear Voice for me to remind me of who I am. (Oh, yeah...says Gillette in her fog...I know that...I do...why aren't I living it? Why do I forget?)

I've been alternately exploring, breathing, opening, closing down, crying, laughing, and overall taking the journey to be ready to do some sort of this kind of work again. Where I am internally shows on my face...and those around me give me feedback about it, thankyouverymuch. I've flipflopped back and forth between feeling strong, at peace, on track, on my way....then lost, angsting, cowering in fear, pulling into myself, whining, making excuses to justify holding myself back from myself. I'm doing my work the only way I know how: being with all of it.

Basically I'm terrified to step into my power again. It's been so long since I've felt it fully. I'm taking the two steps forward, one step back journey to healing that which I created in myself these past years. Two-ish weeks ago I was flying...about 77% back to who I used to be- alive, confident, sparkly Gillette who had so much postive energy she was a vortex to behold. My daughter was excited to see it in me. Then this last weekend, the heat (and broken air conditioner), the stuff going on with Loverman's business, car issues/stories and my choice to spiral down again, all got me to the point where my daughter said..wow...you do have lots of energy..no wonder people are afraid of you when you're upset.

I need and so appreciate these people who tell The Truth. Not always easy to hear, but I do.

Right now I'm at a stage of being fully humbled. Fully. For the first time in my life, I woke up (twice) last week with a feeling of panic in my guts. Hormones? Maybe...but I know it wouldn't be there unless it had good stuff for me to look at...and I don't yet know all it's trying to tell me.

I'm being supremely gentle with myself, loving myself for all my numerous shortcomings, and fuckupings, all the unLeo-ly things I am. I'm finally listening to my Truth Tellers, no longer the blind master of my ship. I'm being gifted with eating my words, being lost, looking at my unconscious pathologies, my woundings, the ways I am not in charge, not "together--" a total student. Just in case I forgot, I'm relearning that though I know lots about lots, the living of it isn't always so easy. I feel concurrently eeeewww about myself, wanting to hide at being totally vulnerable and exposed...and feeling beyond Blessed with these gifts. One "healer" person reminded me that the reason I may be effective as a coach is because I am a "wounded healer." Eeeuw...ick...yup...ego's getting busted all over the place. It's been good. I've been doing lots of breathing.

Loverman

A big piece of why I felt the urge to come down here was confusion about my relationship. I kept getting a sense of what was going on energetically with us...and it wasn't pretty. I keep trying to "fix" it....and only get more confused and lost. So I ran.

This has been a journey that totally supports my view of how things work in the world: it's all about the energy, there are no coincidences, and, man-oh-man...when one has Big energy and meets up with another who has Big energy, things can get Big.

Part of why I came down here was to begin my emotional separation, if that was what was "to be." I had done a really good job of totally losing myself and felt that distance would, at least, get me out of the immediate proximity of the lack-of-focus fog I was in. I hoped to jumpstart a shift in my energy. I was correct. Every time I focus here and take steps to create a new life, things flow.

When I left, there was a sequence of things that were supposed to happen that would facilitate further separation, if that was what was "to be." That sequence changed a few weeks after I left. They were things outside my conscious control and not "about me," but they had a major impact on the basic outline of how I thought things might proceed, if things did not shift. And it confused me.

The universe is a very interesting place.

One piece is that he has been having health issues. At the end of April, he had a mild heart attack. It has jolted him. That was why I went back up to my old hometown in April. Then two weeks ago, I was feeling twitchy, itchy and out of sorts....like I had to move or "do" something. I ended up having an epiphany while on the phone with him that I was reliving my relationship with my ex. Within an hour, I was in the car, back up there to create anew. I didn't know what that meant, but it felt right. It was a good trip.

I knew that I had to be back up there the 30th to be with him as he gets more health issues taken care of. I could have stayed up there and it might have been a good idea, given gas prices. But the call to come back down here was strong. I am so happy that I've been listening to my intuition and following it. It's gotten really icky back up there , reaching a new, scary peak. I'm happy to be here in my little bubble....and I'm not happy about going back up there. That's not true. I'm afraid to go back up there this trip, but I think it will be a good trip, even though it may be difficult. I'm praying that I continue to stay focused and that everything that happens puts me on the Path even more solidly: two steps forward, maybe only a half a step back.

So...upshot is...I'm doing deep learning about my patterns in relationship, both with myself and others. I am, once again, fucking blown away by how we attract the perfect person (people) into our lives to bring us gifts that show us where we want to be whole again. I swear...even if we TRIED to plan this shit, we could not come anywhere near what comes our way, gratis, from the universe. My last trip showed me so clearly that my relationship issues and Loverman's relationship issues are so perfectly aligned it's beyond scary.

Loverman is not the only place where I am sitting and drawing back my energy. It's been a huge eye opener for me this past week to wonder what the fuck's going on with me that the two men I've felt the strongest connection with in the past eight (?) years are both at the lowest cycles in their lives. Both report that they've never experienced this before. Both are in ruins, emotionally and in life in general, their souls being ripped apart. And I ask myself what that says about me for me...as I am the common denominator. I have been grieving, and it is what it is.

I see all this as really good opportunity to learn anew. Not easy, cuz not fun, but very fertile and juicy.

I'm getting to learn to act (not just give lip service) in ways that declare to my inner self and the universe that I want to be happy and that I'm willing to do anything to be it. I'm getting to look at old family patterns and decide to choose differently instead of being run by old unconscious thoughts. I'm learning deeper compassion for myself and others. I'm learning more about Love.

I'm remembering that it's really easy for me to lose focus and go back to old patterns of self destruction by being "the strong one." I get to now choose softness, receptivity, surrender and allowing change.

I'm getting to learn about how I cling to that which is killing me, all in the name of not abandoning people I've identified I care about (abandonment is a core issue for me and gets me crying every time). Or..in other words..the ways I continue to choose to abandon myself in order to not abandon others. I'm getting to remember that I do no one any good by depleting myself when I bring my vibration down to meet them where they continue to choose to be...all in the name of "support."

I'm learning the ways in which I hold myself back, not embracing all of myself...and the ways I choose fear instead of Truth...over and over and over. All this is teaching me more about Trust at an even deeper level because I don't even know what that means...just that I have to have it. I want to Live.

Life is all about balance...and in these times of Big Healing, I don't know how to be moderate. So here I am. It is what it is. I am who I am and who I am is just fine, right here right now.... and this, too, shall pass. The greatest gift I can give myself and offer to others is to just be alive and juicy and keep open, but without attachment to any outcome or form. Not always an easy line to walk. I feel I'm getting there. Maybe not today, but I was there last week and I'll be there again soon.

And that...aside from really fun art stuff; meeting really interesting people; laughing with my daughter; eating sprouts, fennel and the tastiest strawberries and peaches I've had since last year; appreciating the beauty of the flowers, the scents in the air; feeling more and more energy coursing through my body.... would be what's going on in Gilletteland.
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