Please read my story if you have doubts about getting better
Posted Aug 02 2012 2:54pm
If you read about where I came from and the crazy people I picked as partners, I finally got “the gift of desperation” and left and put together a life. I learned and then taught my children to be healthy. As I’ve said before they are all loving partners and fathers. Something that staying with their biological father would not have made possible. There were only 2 guys in their life after my divorce. A very nice man who was respectful and caring and then Michael who is someone they all aspire to be like.
No matter how hard it was, it was the right choice. I left with no job and no place to go, but more than that I left with no clue and feeling as if I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew something had to be done.
When I hear people wonder if getting rid of a dysfunctional mess of a partner will be bad for their kids, I can tell you that it was the most right choice I ever made. Even if it was hard. Even if I had NO CLUE how to go forward from there. How to heal the holes in my soul and the pain in my heart. I was determined to find out. Or die trying. But I was not letting my kids go through what I went through. It was not easy and it wasn’t perfect. But it’s pretty damn good.
And at the very least, I did not send 3 men into the world who think it’s okay to disrespect and dishonor the mother of their children with verbal abuse, physical abuse or emotional abuse. Neither the guy who I was with for four years nor Michael ever called me a name or mistreated me. Not once. Not ever. And my sons do not call the women in their lives any names or mistreat them. Once I found out it wasn’t okay (because I did not know that), I taught them it wasn’t okay. I taught them women were to be treated with respect and love and kindness and I have two beautiful granddaughters who will be raised to know that is how it should be. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. My kids know and my grandkids will know. No doubt about it.
Yesterday I picked up my granddaughter from daycare and we went to the hospital where her mom was in labor with her sister. My son was there for his wife in a way his father never was. And when my granddaughter Brynn got a bit perplexed by all of it and just wanted Mommy to come home, he managed to soothe her and he walked us to the car and she was happy by the time we got there.
About 3 hours after we got home, her beautiful sister, Savana Grace, was born. I cried when I saw the pictures of my newest granddaughter.
She comes into a family where she will be so loved and so cared for and so valued. Where people treat each other with respect and we have healthy boundaries and good sensible guidelines for life. I brought her sister to see her this morning and though Brynn was a bit out of sort (being 2 and not knowing why Mommy is in the hospital and won’t come home), it was a beautiful feeling to know we got it right.
All those times I wondered if I would make it. If the pain would ever end, if I would ever “get it.” I am so glad I stopped throwing away my life on garbage people. For a long time I was lost and didn’t know what would be or become of me and my kids. As I’ve posted before, they’ve all done incredibly well.
What my family is today (loving, healthy, beautiful) is due to working through the mess that was handed to me by not one, but two incredibly screwed up families. Even if I didn’t have my kids and grandkids to be proof that this stuff works, what I worked at and what I’ve recommended results in a happy, healthy life. I’ve healed the holes that were blown through my soul by other terrible people. I learned that I deserved to be treated right and I passed it onto my kids.
The night I found out that my husband was living with another woman weeks after we separated, I drove along, tears streaming down my face, gripping the steering wheel and feeling a pain I could not imagine one could ever be in. I was sobbing and wanted to end it all. I didn’t think I could raise my kids. I didn’t think I could heal from a broken heart. I didn’t think there was any hope at all for me.
I had no clue. I had no idea of what to do. I was so very broken. I had been broken from the start. From a biological mother who didn’t want me. From an adoptive family who didn’t want me. From always feeling it was my fault. Everything. Every abandonment and every abuse was my fault. I had to learn what healthy was and somehow figure out how to show that to my kids. I remember when they were teenagers that they were identifying people as “crazy” who would have seemed perfectly normal to me growing up. You don’t know that you don’t know.
Today, my family doesn’t “play” at being happy or looking happy. We are happy and we are healthy and my sons have picked wonderful women who will love their children like there is no tomorrow. And my sons are “dads.” On the same day Savana was born, my oldest sent me pictures of his oldest at his first football practice. It’s important to my son that he be there for his sons the way his father was never there for him. And he is. And my youngest son, father of two girls now, will be the father he never was.
When I was in labor with Nick his father came home from a weekend out and dropped the two kids off, ages 5 and 16 months. I was bleeding all over and he left and went to his girlfriend’s house. I had to do something humiliating and call a friend who knew her number and tell him to come home. When he finally came home and we went to the hospital the baby’s heart was decreasing and they had to get him out. He was born with the cord wrapped around his neck. My ex stood there like he was waiting for a train. When I asked him if he cared or not, he answered, “It’s late.” He left me alone until the next morning when he came in and picked the baby up. When I tried to talk to him, he said, “I didn’t come here to see you. I came to see my son.” In a life of terrible times, that was the worst.
Savana’s heartrate was dropping and Nick was right there with his wife, holding her and soothing her and Savana, too was born with the cord around her neck. Nick didn’t leave her or the baby for a minute. When Brynn and I got there today he was fussing all over both of them. When Mom was getting sobby because Brynn was a bit off from the whole ordeal, Nick took care of both of them, in a gentle and loving way.
The way I was treated when I was in labor and after Nick was born was how I thought it was okay to treat someone. But my son was raised to know that is not the way. He is the man that every man should be. He is the husband and father every man should be. And he learned it from Michael who was the husband and father every man should be.
The man I would not have found if I didn’t do the work that is what I teach today. I teach it, I’ve taught it for years. Because it works and because every child deserves to be loved. And if there is a pattern of betrayal and abuse in a family, it deserves to be broken. All families deserve to be happy and loved.
I teach what I teach because I know it works. And even if I didn’t have kids or grandkids, I would know it works. But because I do have them and know how different it is for them than it was for me, because they know how to love their wives and treat them with kindness and respect above all else and be dads to their kids, I know it works.
Knowing how my granddaughter Brynn is loved and how her sister is loved and her cousins CJ and Derek are loved and how love and respect and total solidarity is what we do in this family. We are there for each other. OUR Facebook photos are not bs. They are who we are. We are there for each other, we love each other and we show it. Love is an action in this family. It is and it will continue to be.
It wasn’t easy all those years and I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I was doing or why. But now I know and with each baby that comes into a family where they will never be belittled or devalued or put down or feel unloved means the world to me.
I’m not bragging about this. There is no ego in me when I say all this. It’s not like I woke up and figured it out. I worked hard but had to be taught every step of the way. Every single thing I learned that led to a better and better life was spoonfed to me by other people. And I had no idea it would work. I had no idea it would lead anywhere. At all.
So this is not about me. It’s just an endorsement of the work. It’s telling you that, my God, I never ever thought I could fix what was wrong with me, yet alone carry it forward to my kids.
It works. I know it works. When you love yourself and refuse to accept the unacceptable, everything changes. And sometimes you can effect that change for generations to come.
Seeing your children whole and happy and loved is more important than any partner, any relationship with a romantic interest, anything in the world. And it starts with you. It starts with healing the holes in your soul and your heart and not settling for less.
And if you know my story, you know that if I can do it, you can do it.
The world is screwed up. You can unscew it
Ask the questions. Do the work. Find your happiness.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Be the change you want to pass on to the world.
You can do this!!
My son Nick with his new baby, Savana Grace.
Brynn’s favorite show is Doc McStuffin so mom, in her wisdom, bought her a doctor kit to check out her baby sister.