Figleaf has a post on Sluts and Perverts from last week. I appreciated his discussion. He talks about how sluthood is a temporary condition, while a pervert is a lifelong label. Men are “blamed” for both. It was an eye opener for me in that I have always wondered what the slut male equivalent would be. Up to now, I have felt that only women have had their sexuality shamed and judged by a label. I learned lots about the male perspective and experience from this post. Thanks, again, Figleaf.
It also got me thinking about why, in my questioning, I had never made the association before. I think it’s because I think so little is perverse. I was shocked one time to read in a book put out by Hustler that considered oral sex a kink. A kink? Far from it in my book and most everyone I know. I don’t see BDSM as a perversion, anal, exhibitionism, group sex, homosexuality, erotica, porn, any of it. (Hmmmm...maybe it's that I am pervert?????) In general I have had the opinion that people label something perverse because the thought of someone doing the particular action scares them for some reason. In order for them to emotionally deal with their fear, they judge the other's action rather than look inside.
It's not like I am immune to judgment. I just don't get to feel "right" or justified in it. I have my fears and my judgments and they bring an internal dilemma for me. Although very open and broadminded in my level of comfort in the sexual realms, the only time I call someone a pervert in reference to a pedophile ( I have written about an experience as an adult with one before ) or when an older man (and yes, I will cop to the ageist and gender judgment here) visibly salivates over a teen or early twenty year old. Or lets his dick hang out of shorts so that young women will see it. (this has happened a number of times to Mariah in lovely L.A.).
It’s an interesting discussion for me. I own my fears and projections that have turned into judgments. At the same time I encourage and celebrate all fantasy. Fantasies come from a very deep well of the psyche. They are our awake dreams. They make no sense to our logical minds, but I think they are a vital function of a healthy mind. I see sexual fantasies as speaking to and answering some deep need or the mind figuring something out.
I know that in the realms of BDSM play that humiliation and shame can be a major turn on and an important part of the play with many different aspects and forms of play. George, my one ex-gent who had all sorts of what he called “kinks” fantasized about things he was ashamed of. He wanted my late teen daughter. Then he wanted all my daughters (one who was only 16 at the time). Then he wanted me directing him doing my daughters. He wanted young boys sucking his cock. He wanted orgies, animals, other men, to dress like a woman, to be dominated. He would love that I write about this as he always wanted me to share what we did with others...another piece of his sexuality. I encouraged it all and never judged for him for his thoughts when he would tell me. I felt and made it very clear that I supported and encouraged him in this world of the mind.
And I keep asking myself where is my line between when it is “OK” to fantasize and when it becomes a perversion?
There is absolutely nothing like the power of unconditional love. Between couples it deepens intimacy. When we share something that “shameful” and have it met with acceptance, mountains move. It is easy to love a nice person. But we are not all nice inside- no one is. We all have shadows and demons. We usually know what those are and we try our best to keep them hidden so that those we love will not reject us.
When we share something that deep, that brings up that much shame and have it met with love, a very deep shift happens in a way that the logical mind cannot explain or recognize. We just feel different even outside of the bedroom. To have our demons and shadows loved means we are completely loved, not conditionally.
These are the reasons that George told me he felt normal for the first time in his life. He felt judgment from his wife around his sexual preferences. I don’t know if that judgment came from her or from his fears of her, but they were very real for him. And no matter how many times I would suggest he tell her, he wouldn’t out of fear her rejection of his deep core.
And yet, there is another voice that I have to admit is there right along with the Compassionate Unconditional Love Voice. There is a part of me that still cringes at the thought of him masturbating to mental images of my 17-20 (as she aged) year old daughter with his mouth between her legs. It feels creepy.
Both Voices are strong. Both Voices are there. Neither has anything to do with George and his badness or goodness, his personhood, his rightness, his wrongness, his "pervertedness" in his fantasies. They aren't really about him at all. This my thing. It is an inner conflict that I have tried to reconcile and cannot figure out even after a number of years. And I am trying to understand that dichotomy inside of myself, what it is trying to teach me about me.