I've been contacted by a few people lately for conscious sexual healing work. They aren't sure how to move forward or who to work with. The way that things are set up now in the sexual healing world, many feel they fall through the cracks as they can't find the exact vehicle/person for their particular needs. Thought I'd do a post on the difference as I see them and the reasons people might want to choose one over the other and where I came to for myself in all this.
Escorts Most of the people who contact me have the opinion that going to a traditional escort will not best suit their needs. They may or may not be correct, depending on the escort. There are, in fact, quite a few escorts out there doing sexual healing work. You just have to read their websites and look a bit deeper than the cleavage in their galleries. Look for text that conveys compassion and focus on offering a GFE (girlfriend experience).
Escorts charge by the hour or might offer bulk discounts. Their fees can range from $150 an hour to thousands an hour, but usually fall somewhere in the $250-600 range (or they did when I was active years ago). Do yoursef and them a favor and don't try to haggle prices. Huge boundary issue for escorts.
Tantra Coaches/ Dakini Workers These women (and men) are usually trained in Tantric breathing and massage techniques. They are there because they want to offer sensuality with a spiritual perspective. Few offer full service (intercourse). For most, the massage is just a part of the whole session, which will involve lots of meditation, breathing and visualization. They charge by the hour (anywhere from $100-250 an hour for a multiple hour session) often offering a bulk discount for a series of visits for training. True Tantra takes time and a willingness to practice outside the sessions. If they find a good student, Tantra Coaches get excited (as real students are few and far between). Some may eventually open to going deeper with some of their students (and we call them students, not clients), but only after a long internship.
Surrogate Partners Every state has different laws regarding surrogates. Check them out. In California, while not clearly legal it isn't illegal. California primarily looks at the
intent of the session. If it's deemed "therapeutic" then the surrogate can pretty much practice without fear of being convicted. Therapeutic means that the client
must be under the parallel care of a therapist. Period. If it's any other model, legally the surrogate is simply an escort calling herself a surrogate and will be prosecuted as such. If there is a loose affiliation with a therapist, but no real work with them, the therapist can be charged with being a pimp.
People think that surrogates have sex right away. In the type of surrogate training I did and practice we may not have sex for months. Yes, you heard that correctly: months. Generally it doesn't take that long, but the client and surrogate don't get sexual until they know each other and the therapeutic triangle (client, therapist, surrogate) all feel the client is emotionlly ready. In the type of surrogacy I was trained in, unless it's an intensive, intimacy is first established over time. All make sure that when the sex happens, it's with as much consciousness as possible, incorporating all the relearning the client has done through the exercises (s)he and the surrogate have been doing. This process is shorter or longer depending on the presenting challenge and the client's progress in repatterning.
As there's a therapist involved, therefore double sessions with the two professionals, surrogates charge less than an escort. Generally, the fees are between $125 and 250 an hour....I was told that in the Bay area it runs more along the lines of $125-150 lately. Generally, the surrogate charges the going rate for a therapist per hour (or possibly more if therapists don't get much) in a particular geographical area.
A bit about what I've noticed in those trying to find the right route: Most of the men (and it's been mostly men) who contact me would really like to find a surrogate over trying their luck with an escort. Why? They have communicated to me that they feel "safer" with a surrogate. When I ask what that means to them, they share that they feel the risk of STD's is lower. They have the opinion that a surrogate will care about them more. They want compassion. They also like the pricing of the surrogate over the escort. They perceive that, as a general rule, they will get more than twice the service at less than half the price.
Additionally, they want all that a surrogate will offer but they usually don't want the commitment that most legally operating surrogates require. Most don't want to have the parallel care with a therapist. They usually don't think it's important and they don't want the added inner work or expense.
Surrogacy is a process. There are a few who operate on a short term basis. In fact a "ten session" model was begun by a Bay Area surrogate long ago. Some of the therapists in the Bay area have gotten to the point where they don't even want to know what's going on in the sessions (one told me that's a private matter between the client and the surrogate). I am uncomfortable with this on all sorts of levels. Just my thing.
I've had a number of people contact me to do surrogate work for all sorts of interesting reasons that I ultimately felt out of alignment with. One guy was still in a LTR, was nervous about the idea of beign with other women and wanted practice being with other women before he left his girlfriend. He told me an escort was too expensive. I had an older gentleman who had a minor early ejaculation issue. He asked me to charge him less because he was on a fixed income. I obliged. In short order he copped to really just wanting to fuck, but he couldn't afford an escort. Could I offer him our last session for free, please, as he was out of money and really a very nice, horny old man? One wanted to learn new techniques to please a woman...was I available, sans therapist, to teach him how to do that?
Even at the usual surrogacy rates, I felt like that work was almost my "semi pro-bono" work. I was willing to do it as it was for service. In fact, for true surrogate work, I would often offer huge discounts for those who I felt needed it and could find no other way. But none of these are reasons that felt like I wanted to work for a fraction of what I would make as a Courtesan for someone who was trying to "play the system" and whose needs didn't match my intent for the work.
It occurred to me that rather than get attituded around boundary issues, I simply had to create boxes for myself and listen to all who called me. If they had true "surrogate" needs and were willing to do the therapeutic model, seeing a therapist who was willing to work with a surrogate, then I would be more than happy to work for a surrogate's fees. If they didn't fit that catagory and wanted to put me at risk of being arrested for being an escort, I would offer them the usual courtesan scenario: meet a few times to see if I like you. If we hit it off, I will ask you for a commitment of at least a few months, with my usual pricing of a "per day" Courtesan fee. You get all the Surrogate and Tantra Coaching training I have without having to see a therapist. We are all happy.
But other than that I will suggest others and offer referrals or information about those I know and/or would recommend.
I believe there is a need for Sexual Trainers...people who know how to work with those who may not necessarily need a therapist but who want to improve their skill and comfort level. I wish there was some model for that which was safe and legal for the practitioners. Something where there was enough cultural support so that people could make a living out of it and those in the middle class could still afford it.
In the meantime...I wish to all those who seek that they find the perfect person to assist them.
Escorts
Most of the people who contact me have the opinion that going to a traditional escort will not best suit their needs. They may or may not be correct, depending on the escort. There are, in fact, quite a few escorts out there doing sexual healing work. You just have to read their websites and look a bit deeper than the cleavage in their galleries. Look for text that conveys compassion and focus on offering a GFE (girlfriend experience).
Escorts charge by the hour or might offer bulk discounts. Their fees can range from $150 an hour to thousands an hour, but usually fall somewhere in the $250-600 range (or they did when I was active years ago). Do yoursef and them a favor and don't try to haggle prices. Huge boundary issue for escorts.
Tantra Coaches/ Dakini Workers
These women (and men) are usually trained in Tantric breathing and massage techniques. They are there because they want to offer sensuality with a spiritual perspective. Few offer full service (intercourse). For most, the massage is just a part of the whole session, which will involve lots of meditation, breathing and visualization. They charge by the hour (anywhere from $100-250 an hour for a multiple hour session) often offering a bulk discount for a series of visits for training. True Tantra takes time and a willingness to practice outside the sessions. If they find a good student, Tantra Coaches get excited (as real students are few and far between). Some may eventually open to going deeper with some of their students (and we call them students, not clients), but only after a long internship.
Surrogate Partners
Every state has different laws regarding surrogates. Check them out. In California, while not clearly legal it isn't illegal. California primarily looks at the intent of the session. If it's deemed "therapeutic" then the surrogate can pretty much practice without fear of being convicted. Therapeutic means that the client must be under the parallel care of a therapist. Period. If it's any other model, legally the surrogate is simply an escort calling herself a surrogate and will be prosecuted as such. If there is a loose affiliation with a therapist, but no real work with them, the therapist can be charged with being a pimp.
People think that surrogates have sex right away. In the type of surrogate training I did and practice we may not have sex for months. Yes, you heard that correctly: months. Generally it doesn't take that long, but the client and surrogate don't get sexual until they know each other and the therapeutic triangle (client, therapist, surrogate) all feel the client is emotionlly ready. In the type of surrogacy I was trained in, unless it's an intensive, intimacy is first established over time. All make sure that when the sex happens, it's with as much consciousness as possible, incorporating all the relearning the client has done through the exercises (s)he and the surrogate have been doing. This process is shorter or longer depending on the presenting challenge and the client's progress in repatterning.
As there's a therapist involved, therefore double sessions with the two professionals, surrogates charge less than an escort. Generally, the fees are between $125 and 250 an hour....I was told that in the Bay area it runs more along the lines of $125-150 lately. Generally, the surrogate charges the going rate for a therapist per hour (or possibly more if therapists don't get much) in a particular geographical area.
A bit about what I've noticed in those trying to find the right route:
Most of the men (and it's been mostly men) who contact me would really like to find a surrogate over trying their luck with an escort. Why? They have communicated to me that they feel "safer" with a surrogate. When I ask what that means to them, they share that they feel the risk of STD's is lower. They have the opinion that a surrogate will care about them more. They want compassion. They also like the pricing of the surrogate over the escort. They perceive that, as a general rule, they will get more than twice the service at less than half the price.
Additionally, they want all that a surrogate will offer but they usually don't want the commitment that most legally operating surrogates require. Most don't want to have the parallel care with a therapist. They usually don't think it's important and they don't want the added inner work or expense.
Surrogacy is a process. There are a few who operate on a short term basis. In fact a "ten session" model was begun by a Bay Area surrogate long ago. Some of the therapists in the Bay area have gotten to the point where they don't even want to know what's going on in the sessions (one told me that's a private matter between the client and the surrogate). I am uncomfortable with this on all sorts of levels. Just my thing.
I've had a number of people contact me to do surrogate work for all sorts of interesting reasons that I ultimately felt out of alignment with. One guy was still in a LTR, was nervous about the idea of beign with other women and wanted practice being with other women before he left his girlfriend. He told me an escort was too expensive. I had an older gentleman who had a minor early ejaculation issue. He asked me to charge him less because he was on a fixed income. I obliged. In short order he copped to really just wanting to fuck, but he couldn't afford an escort. Could I offer him our last session for free, please, as he was out of money and really a very nice, horny old man? One wanted to learn new techniques to please a woman...was I available, sans therapist, to teach him how to do that?
Even at the usual surrogacy rates, I felt like that work was almost my "semi pro-bono" work. I was willing to do it as it was for service. In fact, for true surrogate work, I would often offer huge discounts for those who I felt needed it and could find no other way. But none of these are reasons that felt like I wanted to work for a fraction of what I would make as a Courtesan for someone who was trying to "play the system" and whose needs didn't match my intent for the work.
It occurred to me that rather than get attituded around boundary issues, I simply had to create boxes for myself and listen to all who called me. If they had true "surrogate" needs and were willing to do the therapeutic model, seeing a therapist who was willing to work with a surrogate, then I would be more than happy to work for a surrogate's fees. If they didn't fit that catagory and wanted to put me at risk of being arrested for being an escort, I would offer them the usual courtesan scenario: meet a few times to see if I like you. If we hit it off, I will ask you for a commitment of at least a few months, with my usual pricing of a "per day" Courtesan fee. You get all the Surrogate and Tantra Coaching training I have without having to see a therapist. We are all happy.
But other than that I will suggest others and offer referrals or information about those I know and/or would recommend.
I believe there is a need for Sexual Trainers...people who know how to work with those who may not necessarily need a therapist but who want to improve their skill and comfort level. I wish there was some model for that which was safe and legal for the practitioners. Something where there was enough cultural support so that people could make a living out of it and those in the middle class could still afford it.
In the meantime...I wish to all those who seek that they find the perfect person to assist them.