Obsession is typically defined as recurrrent, intrusive thoughts. It’s ruminating and thinking over and over again about situations that you can’t really do anything about. It’s turning things over and over in your mind searching for answers where there are none. The ruminations are useless and unhelpful.
Obsession is not the same as reviewing your relationship and different conversations in an effort to be done with it once and for all. We need to go back and learn. We need to review the relationship and see where WE went wrong. We NEED TO DO A RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY and see who owns what and to become responsible for CHANGING OUR PART IN IT.
But once we do that, we need to GET OUT OF IT and move on.
Are you reviewing in a healthy way to let it go? Or are you obsessing?
Obsession is thinking and re-thinking for no useful purpose. It’s asking questions over and over…often the same questions over and over…where there either are no answers or the answers don’t matter.
Getting out of obsession takes discipline and decision. You have to decide that you are going to stop thinking about it. You need to use the STOP technique or the rubber band technique. You need to write about what you need to write about and be done with it.
If you are unable to do this after a long period of time since the breakup, you would probably benefit from seeing a professional or joining a support group.
If you are doing this work there is a certain amount of “review and relinquishment” you need to do. BUT don’t get stuck in the REVIEW because then it becomes more than just review. It becomes obsession.
You need to be focused on YOU. There is a certain amount of looking at what this other person DID but the important thing is not to see it as what they DID, but what you ALLOWED. This work is about YOU not about the other person. It’s about YOU getting well.
At some point you need to stop dwelling on what was done TO YOU and understand that you need to figure out what it is in you that put you in that position to be treated that way. Something IN YOU is broken. What is it? Find out and fix it. Stop dwelling on them and what they did. Dwell on YOU and how to fix YOU.
The other way we obsess is to think about what we did wrong and what we could have done right and WILL do right if only given a second chance. There is a saying that if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you’re peeing all over today.
And when you think about what you did and what you can do if given a second chance, that is EXACTLY what you are doing: giving up your today for a yesterday you can’t change and a tomorrow that might never come.
Put your head where your feet are: IN YOUR OWN LIFE.
We need to do the hard, tough work. But we also need to be bringing in the good stuff and building a worthwhile life. If you’re just ruminating over the past and not building something solid in your life, you’re suffering for no good reason.
Stop obsessing about the ex. Stop ruminating. Start working the bad stuff out WHILE working the good stuff in. Get off the dime and into your own life.