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November NC Chips

Posted Nov 01 2010 5:00pm

:!: :!: It’s that time of the month again! :!: :!:

Before we go onto the chips, these are the reasons we count chips:

1) to reward ourselves for doing it. It’s a big deal and needs to be treated like a big deal.
2) to show others it can be done.
3) if you’ve been maintaining a good stretch of NC but fell short in the past, write about your struggles and how you overcame them.
4) if you’re struggling, tell us and how we can help.

Your “count” is up to you. Don’t let someone else say “Oh don’t start over” or “You have to start over.” This is about learning to be true to yourself, to be honest. Is a Facebook peek breaking NC? Yes, it is. Do you “need” to count it? I would but it’s up to you. NC time is important because it shows us that we do have power and control over what we do and how it affects us. If we say “I have 30 days of NC” it’s up to you to know if that is an honest count or not. Don’t set yourself up by counting NC time when you are not NC. The thought that you’re not being true to yourself will eat at you more than starting the count again. And please don’t tell anyone they do or do not have to start their count over. If someone asks, “Is this breaking NC?” you can weigh in with your opinion.

NC is about you.
It’s about knowing you have control over your life and your impulses. It’s about rewarding yourself for NC time and showing others it can be done.

No contact (NC) is truly the key to moving on. It’s a big, important topic which is why it’s the first chapter in the book .

Even if you work with, have children with, mutual friends with, live in a small community with, NC is possible in that you only speak when you have to, you don’t get into emotional issues, everything is very business like. Again, the advice to do this is in the GPYB book.

If you don’t share anything like that, going NC is very important: CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

Anyway, long before the book came out we gave NC chips for staying NC for various lengths of time (as they do in 12-step programs). We also talk about issues and struggles for those not NC a long time. We have 24 hour chips which means for this 24 hours you will commit to NC!

If you break NC or respond to your NC-breaking bananahead ex, you don’t “go back to square one.” You have had progress along the way and it’s easier once you’ve done it a while to do it again. So shower and get right back to NC. And tell us what you’ve learned Dorothy.

So leave your concerns, issues, questions, stories here and

Come get your chips!!!

NC Chips

24 hours: white
30 days: yellow
60 days: green
90 days: blue
6 months: purple
9 months: red
1 year or more: GOLD

Pick up your chip! Tell us what chip you get and how you did it. Share your NC power of example! Talk about how long you’ve been NC and what it’s been like for you.

I would also suggest, in the way of being good to you, to BUY yourself an actual chip, a real chip and keep it on your dresser/bureau or some other prominent place as a reminder of how WELL you are doing. Standard poker chips are fine but the gold ones can be a nice round gold piece from a jewelry store or buy a chain with a nice round gold pendant. If you’ve been a NC you definitely deserve something nice. There have been other suggestions on here such as keeping a jar and filling it with something nice for every day NC or some other way to mark the time and see how strong you are. Make your symbol REAL and not just virtual! And TELL US what you did or bought or how you celebrated!

For some ideas go to THIS PAGE and share yours

If you’re struggling with NC, talk about your biggest challenges to NC and what is standing in your way and if you need help/support.

What are your challenges? What are your issues? We are all here for each other!

Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Author: Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Da Capo 2009)
Order the book HERE

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  1. Pilona:
    Wow. 160 of active NC. AAAaaand 23 days of passive NC. I know 23 does not sound like such a big deal but guess what? It IS. Until a month ago I had been struggling w. passive NC and today I am not fazed by it. I do not feel the same urges I felt to check facebook and such. In fact I could care less (I see this from the heart). Today is truly a celebration. I promised myself a present if I went a whole month with passive NC. One week to go. I am super excited. I am going to buy myself either a yoga mat or some nice hair product. :-) To those out there just starting on this journey: it can absolutely be done. I have no doubt now.
  2. delotus:
    A blue chip for me. so 90 days ! I have really achieved so much in these last 3 months, in a short space of time, i have taken my work to the next level, and today I am the owner of a little studio from where I can work and sell my garments. This means such a big deal to me since the ex was rarely supportive of anything, he just tended to stare at me when I spoke of work.I had lost all my confidence, and wasted all my energy into making the relationship work. . Anyway. I am struggling a little bit right now, as over here in India, it's our hindu New Year- so very festive and an important time for us. I am tempted to wish the ex, because I keep telling myself that he must be lonely, and I should be compassionate. I have gone beyond the point where I hate am. I have moments (rare moments) of anger, but I know that at the end of the day we were two messed up people. So this imaginary loneliness that I am projecting onto him is causing a bit of tension, because I'm just afraid I might give in and call him. There is also a part of me that wants to gloat to him about my new office, show him I'm doing well now, and I'm focused, but at the same time I'm afraid he will be dismissive or he might be happy and either way I will get no satisfaction and I just might end up undoing all the good I've achieved. There is a part of me that is struggling with my mothers death- it's such an old issue, but I am dealing with it now, and I still keep mixing up her memory and the relationship . I don't know how to explain it really, but I have decided I finally need a therapist. Re my mom, not the ex. So overall I am doing really well. Last week was also 2 yrs since we broke up. 8O and the day went by without any major emotions, no urge to call him.. I wanted to celebrate, but am waiting for my best friend to return, and then I can go for dinner or something. I don't feel the urge to re hash his actions, or put him down. or talk about him to my friends- that is such a big step for me.. I am so proud of myself. Somedays I do feel a little lonely, but I think what I need to do is build on the existing relationships in my life. Just thankful for having the courage to stay NC, active NC 3 months and passive NC - over 6 months actually! .That's the only reason I have been able to move ahead..
  3. Soni:
    Delotus, Happy Diwali to you. I will wish you - you don't need the BH. Congratulations on your garment business... Don't wish the ex - I was thinking of also wishing my ex for Karvachaut ( N. Indian festival where the wives fast for the long life of the husbands) but I am so glad I did not. I also know that deep inside he must be very insecure and unhappy despite what he does and who he parties with. But he has to realize that - I cannot make him realize that. If I called him, that would have given him the power again and the humiliation would be so great. Sometimes it is the humiliation that would be worse than the emotional pain as Susan says - so don't break NC! You are doing so well. I think therapy really helped me also deal with my family issues. I really recommend it - just be prepared to try a few different ones. It took me a while to find one with the " right fit." Remember to be good to you....and don't let people in your life who are not good to you..
  4. jelizabethe:
    I keep getting entangled, no matter how good it feels when I'm not, how healthy and how empowering. I keep managing to allow SOME kind of contact, and it ALWAYS ends badly with shouting and accusations and tears, whether it's after a week of easy exchanges, or a day. We are talking, laughing, I then get sad that he ruined what could have been with his choices and hurt me with his faithlessness and deceit, and then all the pain and anger wells up all over again and I lash out, and I am filled with bile and I turn ugly and he confirms all my notions of his character by STILL continuing to lie about things I have PROOF of ... it's such a stupid, fruitless, toxic pattern. So I was NC for five days and it felt so great. I am realizing the power of the notion that I will be able to trust others just as soon as I can trust myself ... that is, if I will act with my head and not my (wishful) heart, if I will protect myself instead of relying on someone else to protect me, the world (of relationships) is not a scary place ... if I'm taking care of myself, it means I won't BE in relationships with dishonest, unfaithful people, because taking care of myself means being honest about what's going on and stopping it dead cold if it's not good for me. And I was no contact, feeling good. After two months of back-and-forth I had come to terms with the limits of his responsibility and I had forgiven him and it was SUCH a relief, such a weight off. It really did release my mind and heart. But that didn't mean I could speak with him, and when he called last night, I should NOT have answered. I thought it would be quick. I thought it would be impersonal. And it was going fine, when suddenly (shock), he hit a nerve and made another flip excuse and I lost all control of my mind and mouth. The "hangover" today is brutal. I don't want these feelings of negativity and ugliness. I don't want to be that person. And hearing the things he says ... it's a shame to destroy absolutely ALL the respect and regard I had for him. I hate negating an *entire* 2 1/2 yrs of my (romantic) life. Every time we communicate ends up being an exercise in aversion therapy - why do I do this to myself? Why doesn't the aversion stop the longing that always ends up emerging? Longing, by the way, for all the wonderful times with a man who happened to also be a rather cruel emotional abuser. It's absurd. Anyway, today is a new day. The (fourth) first day of my NC. This has to be it. I'm determined. I HAVE to be a better custodian of myself. I have to move on, there is nothing left to go over, and the past can't be changed. I have blocked his number from my phone which will not allow him to text or call me, or for me to text or call him. If I have to put measures like that into place for support because I can't trust my willpower, fine. I've been too sappy and prone to falling back into wishful thinking, and he doesn't want me gone in the first place (why not have your cake and eat it, too, indefinitely?!), so the door is always, horribly, wide open for me to hurt myself again, if I'm not stronger. So block ... DONE. What I REALLY want eludes me. It will only come with time, and I know that, hence being so mad at myself for answering that phone last night and restarting the clock ... what I really want is not to care anymore. I want indifference. I want not to feel this violently about him -- the anger, the disappointment, the mourning of the ideal, and of the good things that really were. I want emotional peace. Tonight at 12:01 I'll drop a white button into the jar. It broke my heart to put all five back in the drawer this morning with the others I've had to return over the last two months at various intervals, but I can only go forward. GOT TO GO FORWARD.
  5. Pilona:
    Hey Delotus. Congrats on the 2 years of freedom and recovery, and on the chips! I would say, have you thought about wishing the ex from a distance? I have been reading Pema Chodron and appreciate that she talks about the possibility of wishing well and practicing compassion to others from your heart. No need to contact. I guess anytime I feel like peeking or contacting I try to look at where the urge is coming from. Am I lonely? Am I sabotaging myself? Will contacting this person be helpful to me/him? To me? One of the twelve steps talks about making amends as long as no one gets hurt in the process. To me contacting the ex, for any reason, may lead to my recycling and hurt=no need to contact. Just some thoughts.

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