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My friend Violet recently met a ...

Posted Sep 12 2008 2:18pm

My friend Violet recently met a guy on Match. The two of them had a lot in common, namely a love of camping and a fear of blue-colored foods. Combine this with the fact that she had been online for almost a year, so she was pretty comfortable doing the “almost-blind-date” thing after only few e-mails.

“I met him in the bar of the new sushi restaurant downtown, and before we’d even sat down for dinner he went in for a kiss,” Violet said. “I turned my face so he only got my cheek, but I was like “hello, can I at least have a drink first?”

Violet said he laughed it off and then reached for her hand. When she pulled her hand away he put his arm around her shoulders. Violet and I agree that men like this could be desperate, misunderstood, or maybe just unable to decipher social cues, but creepy nonetheless.

Once they finally did sit down for dinner he promptly took off his right shoe and did the footsy thing by the way, do other people really do this? I’ve never played footsy and as far as I know it’s just a tool screenwriters use to create sexual tension among their characters in the movie. (Please respond by answering this week’s poll, I’m truly curious to know).

Anyhow, Violet’s response was to scowl. She has what should be a patented scowl, one that I’ve never been able to duplicate. It’s a mixture of shock, disgust, frustration, and disapproval. I wish I could describe it better, but I’m unable to find words for the way she contorts and scrunches her facial muscles along with the way she drops her head to look at you from the corner of her eyes. It’s a talent only she possesses and a message her date should have received immediately.

“There were so many problems with him at this point,” Violet explained. “For starters he’s flirting the way men do in soft-porn, and he wasn’t smart enough to translate my scowl to really mean, back the f&#$ off! So I just asked him, flat out. “What is your problem? Don’t you know how to behave on a date?”

Again the guy just laughed and responded by grabbing her hands across the table saying, “don’t you know what its like to have someone come on to you?”

“Yah, I do, and I don’t really like it,” she responded as he ran all ten of his fingers across hers. “Do you have itchy finger tips or something, why are you still touching me?”

She decided to stay and struggle through the dinner, but only because she felt it was an opportunity to help all woman-kind everywhere, or at the minimum at least help the next Match.com victim. Sadly all her efforts were lost on him. The next day, in the customary follow-up Match e-mail, he wrote that he enjoyed their date and looked forward to kissing her voluptuous lips and holding hands for real, like grown ups do.

Now, neither Violet nor I know what this means exactly, but it sounds dirty and so she wrote back saying, “I will absolutely not be seeing you again. And hey, do me a favor; please always keep your shoes on when in public.”

Well done Violet. Couldn’t have said it better myself. So for the rest of you out there that struggle with an itchy-fingered date, here is a recap:

* Make a joke about him being too affectionate
* Give a dirty look
* Ask him what his problem is
* Advise him of his dating practice faux pas
* Advise him of his dating practice faux pas in a follow up e-mail

Happy dating.

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