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Mail. We Get Mail When The Person We’re Cheating With Walks Out

Posted Sep 16 2011 9:26am

When I get emails like this, I have to wonder if anyone reads what I write.  My response here is harsh.  Very harsh.  But I have to remind people if you ask the question, be prepared for any answer. This person asks for help, but I am unsure about help with what?  If you can’t take the answer,  don’t ask the question.   I spend a lot of time here not excusing infidelity.  But here we have it.  Hold onto your hats everyone.  This is going to be a rough ride.

Hi Susan, Okay to answer on the

I’m sure you can help me..I am a 44 yr old married woman with a 5 yr old son.  I have had multiple affairs in my 14 yrs of being married. My husband is emotionally not a match for say the least.

To begin, this does not make sense to me at all.  Why would you have multiple affairs and not leave?  Why would you bring a child into the union after 9 years of multiple affairs?  If you are unhappy/incompatible with your spouse:  leave.  Get a divorce or separate if you don’t believe in divorce (and yes, there are those people – my biological father being one of them – for whom infidelity is morally okay but divorce is not, which is crazy).  If your husband is not an emotional match for you, why are you with him?  It’s not as if you married young.  You were 30 years old!  What were you thinking? To me, I hear some kind of sex addiction, drama addiction…something. No one has numerous affairs over the course of many years without something going on. You did this for a lot of years before your child was born. Why?

Most recently i got involved with a married man(Josh) 19 yrs younger than myself (25) who also has a 5 yr old child..he married the girl he got pregnant when she was 16. Unhappy marriage, fighting..separated a few times before etc.

So at 20 he was with a 16 year old girl?  What a prince. There’s a term for this. It’s called statutory rape.

After only two months of our affair his wife packed up all their belongings and moved out ..she moved in with her father and her mother was taking care of her son..she was also involved in an extra marital affair at the time..she is only 23..not a responsible education, no career, no job etc.

First, the math is not adding up.  If she got pregnant when she was 16 and has a 5 year old son that makes her 21 and not 23.  But…Not a good mother??  Her extra marital affair makes her not a good mother?  No education, no career?  SHE WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD WHEN YOUR IDIOT BOYFRIEND KNOCKED HER UP.  Of course her mother was taking care of her son. The girl probably didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.  These are children we’re talking about.  Babies.  BABIES.

Josh is a good father..His son is his life. He had no where to live after that..wouldn’t stay at the apartment they were living in ..there was no furniture,nothing and he didn’t want to deal with the possibility of her coming back to terrorize him.

She terrorizes him?  oh poor baby. Josh sounds like a dope who can’t even support his child.  First order of business in being a good parent…support your child.

He wound up living in several dif places over the next year..We talked about making a life together eventually..he is not a motivated man..he works at my company making a very small paycheck every week..I was in alot of financial debt with my cards, etc..I basically paid for everything when Josh and i would go for the weekend, coffee, dinner ..u name it i paid for it.  He would borrow money from me and say he was going to pay me back but, never would..I would say something to him about it and he would come up with ..oh im sorry sweetie. but i just wasn’t intentional..etc.  Lent him money to put down as a deposit on a car and he ended up having to give the car back to the dealer because his co-signer )his mother) fell through in signing the paperwork.  He knew I was in financial stress..would tell me he was going to help me when he we got togehter..etc.  He got a second job..lost it.  I encouraged him to go into the national guard to get an education for himself..a career..etc..benefits ..make a better life for our future – for his future and he started the process but, never followed through.

He sounds like such a stable person.  Not motivated?  The word is LAZY.  The word is freeloader.  The word is good-for-nothing.  And you’re footing these bills?  Fool.  Fool.  Fool.  Nothing like throwing good money after bad.  He’s 25 years old.  You’re in financial debt and you’re paying his way?  That’s what you do with a teenager.  Even if he were your son, at 25 it’s time to stand up and become responsible.    So you’re going to make a life with this lazy, broke-down, man child.  Good choice.   His car fell through when his mommy didn’t sign the paperwork?  Poor baby.  Poor lazy, useless, broke down baby.  He knew you were in financial stress but kept borrowing?  What a prince.  What a prize.  A man among men.

My husband found out about the affair 8 months into it..he did not throw me out and i would not leave my son.  If it wasn’t for my son I may have left. We own a home together.

You do know that you can sell houses, right?  Even if you wanted to hold onto it until the market turns around, you can go to divorce court and stipulate that both parties sell the home in x amount of years and split the profits.  Usually it’s when the youngest child goes to college.  You do know that you can separate and ask him to leave or find a place for you and your son?  You know these things, right?  Because these are the lamest excuses I’ve ever heard.   I don’t know what is wrong with your husband that he did not toss your ass out, because that is what should have happened.

I continued to see Josh over the next 9 months and he was getting more and more agitated over the fact that i was not moving out..and in with him.

Poor Joshie.  Agitated because you wouldn’t leave your home and 5 year old son to be with his broke down self.  King Baby sitting  on the throne.  Wha wha wha.  You sound like a self-willed run riot and he sounds like King Baby.  A perfect union of pathetic.

I found him a room to rent close to where his son lives and that is where he has been living.  I wasn’t ready to move out.  I wanted him to show me he had interest in bettering himself and his future. I lent him my laptop and he went into my personal facebook account which i forgot to log out of and he read my history of messages to old flames, friends etc from years ago before he and i even knew each other..he used it against me and broke off our relationship….he went NC immediately..

First sane behavior I’ve read in this email (him breaking it off and going NC).  You know when you have a 14 year history of cheating and you leave evidence of that all over the place, someone is bound to read it. 

i knew something else had to be up..

WHAT?  Why is finding this stuff not enough?  It would be enough for about 10 million other people. 

we were so crazy in love with each other it was beyond conprehension that he would not have any contact with me over this ..i haveto be honest ..two weeks after the breakup I found out he had his wife sleeping over his place..i was so angry..all along he was telling me he hated her..he couldn’t stand the fact that she was a poor excuse of a mother..she had mutliple boyfriends while they were apart..just despised her and he goes back to her.

Cheaters cheat and liars lie.  That is what happens.  But it’s not beyond comprehension that he would go NC after finding evidence of numerous illicit affairs over many years.  It’s incredible to me that one of his issues with her was that she had multiple boyfriends and yet you can’t understand him being upset over your history of multiple boyfriends while you were married.  She’s 21 (or 23) and you’re twice her age.

And this “poor excuse of a mother” from someone who got a girl pregnant at such an early age is absolutely outrageous to me.  She went back home to get help from her parents with her child.  Even if her mom does most of the work, the girl is very young and had a child with some ridiculous guy who is freeloading off a woman twice his age.  And he aims his criticism toward her?  Outrageous.  Read my post on the Crazy Ex and see how I despise this labeling of someone from someone whose side of the street is not only not clean, but filthy.  FILTHY.  Who was taking care of your son while you were running around with this moron?  What kind of mother takes her child’s money and gives it to some jerkwad of a 25 year old who can’t even get a car without his mommy co-signing.  Let’s talk about poor excuses of mothers and fathers.  Because she’s the youngest one in this twisted story and she’s being judged?  Glass houses, meet rocks.

I have been struggling with this for months now..its been almost 12 weeks and any contact we had ..i initiated..he went NC from the very beginning. I finally stopped all contact 9 weeks ago and i have put my energy into trying to make my marriage work.  If it doesn;t work I will more affairs..Im better than that.

If you want anything in your life to work, with or without your husband, you have to get some semblence of insight into your own behaviors, which are outrageous.  Right now you’re not “better than that” and haven’t been for a long, long time.  You have to get right with yourself and leave the infant boyfriend alone and stop castigating his very young wife for being a very young wife. Put the focus on you.

I just struggle with the fact that he claimed he loved me so much, and couldn’t live his life without me..his son adored me as well..and he goes and completely walks away and never looks back..and goes back with his wife ..dysfunction city..she calls him names..throws things at him in her rage..just crazy and he chose that over anything with me…

Probably half of what he told you about her is a bunch of crap.  Probably half of what he told you about you is a bunch of crap.  And what they do with you, they’ll do to you.  They are a young couple with a child.  If they choose to try to live with each other and make it work, so be it.  You are not in any kind of place to label anyone else’s relationship “dysfunction city” as that pretty much describes your whole life. 

Who are you to judge this?  What about your promises?  Like the one you promised when you got married to forsake all others?  You claimed that and went ahead and spent 14 years not forsaking others?  Cheaters cheat and liars lie.  No surprise. But separate and apart from that, people even without cheating, change their minds every day.  People who vow to love, honor and cherish one day in front of friends and family find themselves, months or years later saying “I don’t love, honor or cherish you….gotta go…”  I tell people ALL THE TIME that if you hang onto that you are blinding yourself to the fact that people change their minds.  And people in their 20s change their minds every other day.  This should not be a surprise.

we spent time together everyday.,,we were friends, we talked everyday..we were the best of lovers..soul mates..

You were two cheating idiots with a 20 year age difference and he was taking money from you even though you are financially struggling.  He was taking money that is, by right, your husband and son’s. Both streets were dirty … lovers?  soul mates?  Give me a big freaking break.  You are living in lala land.

i  am at least eating again..i lost alot of weight the first couple of weeks…it hurts that he can just walk away from us with no looking back…please help me to let this go. His wife sent me a message on facebook about two weeks ago out of nowhere..telling me what she thinks about im gonna pay for my lies and manipulation and im a married slut.,,,blah blah..

Again she’s young.  What she said/did is not okay and I don’t condone it, my message to her would be to worry about her, but I can’t say I don’t understand it. If this happened to me at her age, you’d be getting more than just a nasty letter.

He can walk away because he’s 25 and it’s no-thing to him.  It’s a big “whatevvvvvs” to him.  What you had may have been special to you, but not to him.  People with histories of habitual infidelity are people looking for something magical and something to escape into.  But if you start a relationship with someone half your age when you’re both married with young children, you can’t seriously believe it’s going to be something more than a blip on the screen especially when you’re giving this idiot money. 

Of course he walked away with no looking back.  He found your history of deceit and wanted no more part of it.  He took your money and spent it and wanted no more part of it.  He might have actually taken his head out of his butt long enough to realize that you were the big mistake he was about to make, an older woman with a history of serieal cheating, and he didn’t want to make it.  Perhaps he got wise to the fact that he was about to go from the frying pan to the fire.  Or perhaps he was using you.  Perhaps a lot of things…but I don’t understand how this is all a big surprise.

then she blocks me…i never initiated any contact with her whatsoever so i have no idea what that was about

You don’t know what that was about?  See above.

Please help me…

My advice to you is the same as to everyone else only stronger and more pressing.  Work on yourself, figure out why you’ve rationalized and justified this behavior for so long.  Figure out why you have this history which is self-destructive and other-destructive.  Worry about you son and figure out if you want to be married to his father.  Work on what in the world is wrong that you can’t see what’s wrong with the Josh picture.  Both on your end and his end.  He’s a BABY.  A baby.  And he’s acting like a baby.  But you’re not a baby, but are acting like one.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be and be it.  Get rid of all the Facebook nonsense.  Get into counseling alone and if you want to make your marriage work, with your husband.  Find out what is making you tick.  Because you need to stop feeding this drama addiction/sex addiction or whatever it is and straighten yourself out.  Your child needs you.  You cannot raise a child with a broken moral compass and that is what you have.  You have to figure out how to get right with your life.   If not, you are going to be in very big trouble in a very short time.  Focus on you, look at you.  Go to SLAA meetings, get a therapist…find out what has created this very crazy road you’re on.  And fix it.



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