It's been awhile since I've talked about orgasms. There are reasons for that. Long ago and far away I was having them. Lots of them. Many times a day/week. These days not so much. And when I do, they ain't like they used to be
Yet, another thing that has been a downer over the course of the last two years. I wrote about the beginnings of my personal decline here....waaaaay back in February 2007. When I wrote that post, it never occurred to me that I would be in the same sort of sexual position today that I was back then. I thought it a short cycle that would quickly shift. It hasn't.
Over the course of the last two years and the ups and downs of my relationship, I've been all over the emotional map about it. It's not like they just stopped all of a sudden. It was a slow decline. I'm not sure if it was not tending to myself, outer neglect, hormones, stress, losing trust and love for awhile, the burying of fear/survival based emotions or a combination of all the above. Frankly, I don't care. Ultimately, it's my body and I've made choices. It is what it is. I'm simply curious about it.
My sexually based orgasms of today primarily come from self pleasuring. They have shifted from whole body orgasms to being centered primarily in my head. The jackhammer orgasm is the one that stayed. And it's been really interesting.
I first experienced it during cunnilingus. It continued that way for awhile. As time went on, it became quite strong and powerful but I was still having the other types. With the decline of sexual activity with my partner and more focus on self pleasuring, those jackhammer sensations shifted in location, intensity and frequency.
About sixish months ago (to a year...mind is foggy on that part)...I started experiencing them more in meditation. They would start in waves when I was open and empty. The only way I can describe them are that they remind me of the transmission noise coming over the speakers in that movie Contact -strong, steady rhythmic vibration. These last few months, I've been getting them spontaneously throughout the day. I can also summon them just sitting. They have gone from feeling like they are centered in the middle of my forehead to feeling like the dura mater is fluttering more on top of my head. It's been trippy. And nice.*
Another cool thing that's been happening has to do with my ears. They have been buzzing like a drone of bees when I drive down the hill. I can also feel/hear it when falling asleep or when I'm in a semi-lucid state while sleeping. I heard/felt it much of last night (phones kept me up). The only other time this happened to me was when I did a 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat.
And my spontaneous oozies have increased during daily life. The more I've been processing fears, allowing them to move through my body on the way to opening to Trust and Surrender to Life, the more they flow and tingle, leaving my yoni open and alive.
As I am not alone in this situation and a poly person, it might make sense that I would find other partners. There have been periods these last few years when I've been extremely unhappy with my situation yet not ready to step into polyamory. I know that my relationship could not have withstood it, knew it at the time. We did not have the solid foundation that polyamory requires. Because I felt a strong, unexplainable soul connection to one person awhile back, I was willing to consider risking it, figuring that whatever developed would be ultimately be the best thing for all concerned. But things did not work out with that person. I made the choice last summer to continue on this path, reopen my heart and rebuild what I have here. It continues to go well in so many ways. But we're not quite there yet...or I'm simply not ready.
I've been through periods like this before where my sexuality felt like it wanted to be held inside. Each time, my sexuality bounced back to even higher heights than before.
I'm confident that my sexuality can and will bounce back. I know that my shared orgasms will, once again, roll over me, flowing in an intensity that I am sure will blow my body up... to sweet tingly shudders. For now, I continue to work on my reawakening in solitary practice. I believe it's the best place for me to start, Tantrically speaking..(re)connecting within, then sharing that with another.
*I've considered physical causes, but they only appear when I "allow" them and usually when I'm open. I believe them to be kundalini energy.