Know what hurts and stop the pain. ~ Melody Beattie
The quote above and the passage below was one of the most poignant things I ever read when I read it in 1990 or so. It’s in the beginning of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it plays off the GPYP concept that learning to trust another starts with trusting yourself. Right here is everything you need to know.
From Codependent No More:
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study. Every morning, he asked her the same question; “Have you learned everything there is to know yet?” Each morning her answer was the same; “No,” she said, “I haven’t.” The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled.
“Congratulations,” he said, “You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know.”
“How’s that?” the woman asked.
He replied, “You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know….”
“…..and you have learned how to stop the pain. ”
~ Melody Beattie Codependent No More
When I first started in therapy, my therapist said I wouldn’t move if someone hit me with a board. I didn’t know why that was so weird. She said that “normal” people (whatever that is) moved when they were pinched. It was all a foreign language.
Growing up with trauma and/or abuse, you learn to become emotionally, mentally, and physically numb. You don’t know when to eat, when to sleep, when to go to the bathroom and when to say ouch. In fact, you never say ouch. You think it’s supposed to hurt. Or you don’t feel anything.
Or you don’t know what to do to make it stop. You protest but it doesn’t stop. I once saw a Simpsons where Lisa kept poking Bart. He would say, “Quit it. Ow.” and she would do it again. Again he would say “Quit it. Ow.” and she did it again.
That was my whole life. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.
But a lot of times I didn’t even know to say quit it. Or ow.
Once I started to thaw and feel the lifetime of pain that was my life, it hurt. It REALLY hurt.
I then overreacted to pain for a time after a lifetime of underreacting. I could never quite tell if something did hurt, was supposed to hurt as much as it did, or if I was completely off base. I had no idea.
I had to be told that no one had the right to hit me. I had to be told that no one had the right to call me a name. I had to be told that people who loved you didn’t constantly criticize you. I didn’t know all those things.
And after numbing my feelings for so long, I had to learn what hurt and stop the pain.
When my kids were growing up the boys did not like needles. I remember bringing the younger ones to the doctor when they were about 11 or 12 and they had to get booster shots. They did not like it. The younger one winced and said “ouch.” but the older one said to the nurse, “Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!”
The nurse looked at me as if I should say something to him. I spent my whole childhood silent about needles and anything else that I might have wanted to protest. I wouldn’t have DREAMED of saying, “Take it out.” Yes, he was being a big baby, but to me it was funny. Not that he was hurt or that he was a big baby, but I was glad that he knew what hurt and wanted to stop the pain. I was doing my job.
It took me a long time to figure out what hurt and to stop the pain. I had to realize that anything that hurt was not okay. Eventually I learned to move when someone pinched me. Then I learned to move when someone LOOKED LIKE they were going to pinch me. I had to let a lot of pinchers go.
Learn what hurts and stop the pain. No one has the right to cause you hurt or pain. Stop the pain today. Be good to yourself and insist that others do the same.
Click Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself 
“to Order Codependent No More from Amazon
Click
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You 
“ to Order Getting Past Your Breakup from Amazon
freethinker1207:
After completing my life inventories, I reached a moment of clarity that most of my relationship issues I suffer now as an adult stem directly from the dysfunctional relationship I had with my father as a child. He provided financially for our family but was emotionally unavailable and often inconsiderate and hurtful. For example, when I was 13 he told me I looked fat on stage during a dance competition, and I have dealt with body dysmorphic disorder ever since. Countless instances of rejection, teasing, etc. since then.
Now, I'm not one of those woe-is-me people who blames everything on my father and doesn't take responsibility for my life. I know it's up to me now to get over all this crap rather than stay stuck, and I WANT to do that. However, he continues to be a negative presence in my life, and I have tried for 10 years to forge a more "normal" relationship with him so that my young son can experience a grandfather. A very recent, and typical, occurrence where he has said/done something that has made me feel, again, very hurt and rejected makes me feel like I am done trying to have a relationship with him.
For the first time ever, I was angry with the desire to simply not put up with his BS anymore. I am a great person and am doing well for myself, and if he can't appreciate that I don't need it in my life anymore.
How do you just cut someone out of your life to make the hurt go away? Do you just stop putting forth any effort, or do you literally make an announcement that you're finished with that person?
inspired72:
So powerful, lotsof tears flowing while reading this one. I too have always thought pain was normal, and accepted it. In fact I never really knew what was normal. The people I saw who were in mutually respectful and happy relationships I thought must be faking it, that just wasn't possible. In fact I felt resentment toward those types of people. I am grateful today for this post, it is a great reminder.
Also, I do believe my mind has made some great strides as I am no longer resenting and shying away from healthier people I am admiring and wanting to be around them more... a good thing.
Write a quick comment
Know what hurts and stop the pain. ~ Melody Beattie
The quote above and the passage below was one of the most poignant things I ever read when I read it in 1990 or so. It’s in the beginning of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it plays off the GPYP concept that learning to trust another starts with trusting yourself. Right here is everything you need to know.
From Codependent No More:
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study. Every morning, he asked her the same question; “Have you learned everything there is to know yet?” Each morning her answer was the same; “No,” she said, “I haven’t.” The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled.
“Congratulations,” he said, “You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know.”
“How’s that?” the woman asked.
He replied, “You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know….”
“…..and you have learned how to stop the pain. ”
~ Melody Beattie Codependent No More
When I first started in therapy, my therapist said I wouldn’t move if someone hit me with a board. I didn’t know why that was so weird. She said that “normal” people (whatever that is) moved when they were pinched. It was all a foreign language.
Growing up with trauma and/or abuse, you learn to become emotionally, mentally, and physically numb. You don’t know when to eat, when to sleep, when to go to the bathroom and when to say ouch. In fact, you never say ouch. You think it’s supposed to hurt. Or you don’t feel anything.
Or you don’t know what to do to make it stop. You protest but it doesn’t stop. I once saw a Simpsons where Lisa kept poking Bart. He would say, “Quit it. Ow.” and she would do it again. Again he would say “Quit it. Ow.” and she did it again.
That was my whole life. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.
But a lot of times I didn’t even know to say quit it. Or ow.
Once I started to thaw and feel the lifetime of pain that was my life, it hurt. It REALLY hurt.
I then overreacted to pain for a time after a lifetime of underreacting. I could never quite tell if something did hurt, was supposed to hurt as much as it did, or if I was completely off base. I had no idea.
I had to be told that no one had the right to hit me. I had to be told that no one had the right to call me a name. I had to be told that people who loved you didn’t constantly criticize you. I didn’t know all those things.
And after numbing my feelings for so long, I had to learn what hurt and stop the pain.
When my kids were growing up the boys did not like needles. I remember bringing the younger ones to the doctor when they were about 11 or 12 and they had to get booster shots. They did not like it. The younger one winced and said “ouch.” but the older one said to the nurse, “Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!”
The nurse looked at me as if I should say something to him. I spent my whole childhood silent about needles and anything else that I might have wanted to protest. I wouldn’t have DREAMED of saying, “Take it out.” Yes, he was being a big baby, but to me it was funny. Not that he was hurt or that he was a big baby, but I was glad that he knew what hurt and wanted to stop the pain. I was doing my job.
It took me a long time to figure out what hurt and to stop the pain. I had to realize that anything that hurt was not okay. Eventually I learned to move when someone pinched me. Then I learned to move when someone LOOKED LIKE they were going to pinch me. I had to let a lot of pinchers go.
Learn what hurts and stop the pain. No one has the right to cause you hurt or pain. Stop the pain today. Be good to yourself and insist that others do the same.
Click Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
“to Order Codependent No More from Amazon
Click Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
After completing my life inventories, I reached a moment of clarity that most of my relationship issues I suffer now as an adult stem directly from the dysfunctional relationship I had with my father as a child. He provided financially for our family but was emotionally unavailable and often inconsiderate and hurtful. For example, when I was 13 he told me I looked fat on stage during a dance competition, and I have dealt with body dysmorphic disorder ever since. Countless instances of rejection, teasing, etc. since then. Now, I'm not one of those woe-is-me people who blames everything on my father and doesn't take responsibility for my life. I know it's up to me now to get over all this crap rather than stay stuck, and I WANT to do that. However, he continues to be a negative presence in my life, and I have tried for 10 years to forge a more "normal" relationship with him so that my young son can experience a grandfather. A very recent, and typical, occurrence where he has said/done something that has made me feel, again, very hurt and rejected makes me feel like I am done trying to have a relationship with him. For the first time ever, I was angry with the desire to simply not put up with his BS anymore. I am a great person and am doing well for myself, and if he can't appreciate that I don't need it in my life anymore. How do you just cut someone out of your life to make the hurt go away? Do you just stop putting forth any effort, or do you literally make an announcement that you're finished with that person?
So powerful, lotsof tears flowing while reading this one. I too have always thought pain was normal, and accepted it. In fact I never really knew what was normal. The people I saw who were in mutually respectful and happy relationships I thought must be faking it, that just wasn't possible. In fact I felt resentment toward those types of people. I am grateful today for this post, it is a great reminder. Also, I do believe my mind has made some great strides as I am no longer resenting and shying away from healthier people I am admiring and wanting to be around them more... a good thing.
Write a quick comment