Before we go onto the chips, these are the reasons we count chips:
1) to reward ourselves for doing it. It’s a big deal and needs to be treated like a big deal.
2) to show others it can be done.
3) if you’ve been maintaining a good stretch of NC but fell short in the past, write about your struggles and how you overcame them.
4) if you’re struggling, tell us and how we can help.
Your “count” is up to you. Don’t let someone else say “Oh don’t start over” or “You have to start over.” This is about learning to be true to yourself, to be honest. Is a Facebook peek breaking NC? Yes, it is. Do you “need” to count it? I would but it’s up to you. NC time is important because it shows us that we do have power and control over what we do and how it affects us. If we say “I have 30 days of NC” it’s up to you to know if that is an honest count or not. Don’t set yourself up by counting NC time when you are not NC. The thought that you’re not being true to yourself will eat at you more than starting the count again. And please don’t tell anyone they do or do not have to start their count over. If someone asks, “Is this breaking NC?” you can weigh in with your opinion.
NC is about you. It’s about knowing you have control over your life and your impulses. It’s about rewarding yourself for NC time and showing others it can be done.
No contact (NC) is truly the key to moving on. It’s a big, important topic which is why it’s the first chapter in the book .
Even if you work with, have children with, mutual friends with, live in a small community with, NC is possible in that you only speak when you have to, you don’t get into emotional issues, everything is very business like. Again, the advice to do this is in the GPYB book.
If you don’t share anything like that, going NC is very important: CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.
Anyway, long before the book came out we gave NC chips for staying NC for various lengths of time (as they do in 12-step programs). We also talk about issues and struggles for those not NC a long time. We have 24 hour chips which means for this 24 hours you will commit to NC!
If you break NC or respond to your NC-breaking bananahead ex, you don’t “go back to square one.” You have had progress along the way and it’s easier once you’ve done it a while to do it again. So shower and get right back to NC. And tell us what you’ve learned Dorothy.
So leave your concerns, issues, questions, stories here and
Come get your chips!!!
24 hours: white
30 days: yellow
60 days: green
90 days: blue
6 months: purple
9 months: red
1 year or more: GOLD
Pick up your chip! Tell us what chip you get and how you did it. Share your NC power of example! Talk about how long you’ve been NC and what it’s been like for you.
I would also suggest, in the way of being good to you, to BUY yourself an actual chip, a real chip and keep it on your dresser/bureau or some other prominent place as a reminder of how WELL you are doing. Standard poker chips are fine but the gold ones can be a nice round gold piece from a jewelry store or buy a chain with a nice round gold pendant. If you’ve been a NC you definitely deserve something nice. There have been other suggestions on here such as keeping a jar and filling it with something nice for every day NC or some other way to mark the time and see how strong you are. Make your symbol REAL and not just virtual! And TELL US what you did or bought or how you celebrated!
If you’re struggling with NC, talk about your biggest challenges to NC and what is standing in your way and if you need help/support.
What are your challenges? What are your issues? We are all here for each other!
Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Author: Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Da Capo 2009)
Order the book HERE
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I need another white as I'm working on day 4 here. I last spoke with BH on my birthday which was the 28th. She sent me an e-card which I expected actually and I called her because I knew she wouldn't call me. How's that for f***d up? I knew she wouldn't call me because I spoke with her the day after Christmas and unloaded on her and ended up being pathetic. She told me she gave us a chance and I told her that was impossible because she was still seeing another guy. She told there was more too it...and I pressed her until she told me he gave her money implying that she was obligated to him. Now the best part...this actually made me feel better because my pin head interpreted that as meaning it wasn't about ME after all she just needed $$ and got herself into a bad situation. What a joke. I ended up basically pleading with her to stop the madness and come back to and that would figure out ways to ease her financial troubles...She didn't come to me with the true extent of her troubles and took money from someone she doesn't know that well and blew up a 5+ year relationship to do so. WHY IN THE WORLD would I want this woman in my life? Does it matter anymore why? She did it and she's still with him. I called her on my birthday and told her basically the same thing that I would be there for her when she came to her senses and we have not spoken since. She said she's confused and that we'd talk later. Why am I sitting here waiting for her to call me? It's been hard not contacting her but I'm finally starting to put this in perspective. The woman I trusted and I loved has thrown this away this relationship for another and he's helping her meet her financial obligations. I knew she lied to me, deceived me and betrayed me and now this, yet I still sit here and pine for her. It's going to take some work to heal this one, but I will do it starting with maintaining NC. I know that is a must because every time I break it I go back to square one and the feelings start over again. I'm so grateful for this blog and Susan's book!
I'm gold. For those of you struggling, when you finally commit to it, it will make all the difference.
That is awesome, Engineer! I am back at the start - again - I broke three days of NC by calling my ex earlier today to talk. It started out just fine, as we kept the conversation to business (he is lending me a very small amount of seed money for my start-up), but then I of course had to take things to a more personal level - still looking for that explanation as to how he could have just dumped me at Thanksgiving, with no remorse or compassion whatsoever. And, of course, he became very stern, self-righteous and tore me down again. After that, though, I immediately erased all the texts between us from the "good ole' days." I know I don't want him anymore, but it still hurts that he doesn't want me and was the first to let go. And, there's also the extreme pain of knowing he's out looking for a new GF already. Ouch! I have serious, serious work to do on myself....it IS true, only an unhealthy person would consider talking to a guy like my ex, let alone fantasize about his "seeing the light' and asking me to come back to him. It's hard to admit, but true....I need a lot of help and work....30 days, and I still feel at times like this all happened yesterday.
Here we go again :? I'll be so glad to get that GOLD chip someday - and, I'll bet my life looks nothing like it does now by that time!
Hello & help!
Challenged by being in the same small town. As in only two grocery stores and ten stoplights. Just wanting to hear from other folks who have surmounted the unexpected encounters at crowded parking lots or in the checkout line and find themselves clenching their teeth...
Many thanks and here's to new years ~