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Interesting Boundary Adventures

Posted Sep 23 2010 2:43pm
And why it's so important for my emotional wellbeing to have clarity. 

Awhile back, a good friend referred someone to me as I told her I was curious about the possibility of having a few, discreet, referral-based "massage with a happy ending" clients.  This guy sounded like a good candidate: older, married gentleman with a slight disability.  He's been married for 20ish years and his wife has decided it's time to be celibate.  He's not ready.  My friend said he'd be easy to massage (because of the disability).  Then a nice hand job at the end would do him just fine.

Ok, says I.  He and I can meet.  I told my friend to give him my phone number and call me when he was ready.

He calls. We meet to talk. Turns out he's not looking for just a massage with a happy ending.  He wants to build a full on mistress relationship. I suggest the possibility of doing the massage thing while we build a friendship. He says that might be a possibility. 

We kinda sorta connect. I leave thinking...well...not too exciting but, at this point, I think I could grow to like, then love, this person with time.  He's intelligent, interesting.  Owns an art gallery and I love art, so we definitely have that as common ground.  He invites me to see the art in his gallery....

...which is in his house. 

The one he shares with this wife.

The more I sit with this, the more uncomfortable I feel.

I tell him I don't want to visit.  He suggests I come when his wife is out of town.  I still feel uncomfortable, but leave my body (as I sometimes/often do, it seems) and abandon what I feel comfortable with because here is a man in need and I am trying to create connection to see if I can (want to) provide a service I'm good at. 

I visit, then go out of town for a couple of weeks.  Upon my return I notice I'm not calling him back.  But those thoughts flit through my mind, as uncomfortable things often do.

Other things flit up.  But these twitchies, too, flit through.  Easier to focus on being happy and not going there.  Like somehow fairies will wave their wands and it will be figured out without me having to expend any energy or figure myself out. 

The days pass. I talked to him briefly on my way back out of town last week.  I return Tuesday but don't call him as I said I would.  He's on my "to do" list.   Gee...I..." forgot."

...until last night, when I saw the friend who introduced us.  She asks how it's going and says a few things more. After I shared with her that for some reason "he gives me the creeps," she shared back that he told her he doesn't think this will work out.  He had shared he was getting frustrated when we spoke last week so I was not in the least surprised. 

I felt (and continue to feel) utter and complete freedom in my body...relief that I haven't felt when I ponder him since we first met.  For whatever reason, our conversation opened the door to me being able to get clear with myself around him and ground all what I'd been allowing to flit. I came up with these major points as I wrote in an email to the woman who introduced us
"1- He has helped me see that I didn't communicate clearly about calling him and going to his house. I don't want to call his house. I've told him that numerous times. His response is always to assure me that it is OK...to just call and act like a customer.

I don't care if he's comfortable with me calling him...that's not my issue...it's that I don't feel comfortable and I don't want to call his house. So it's hard for me to get a hard on about calling him. :)...and every time I do I feel I'm abandoning myself. 

One of my boundaries around sleeping with a married man and getting paid is that I have to draw lines for myself.  I have one around stepping into his wife's sacred space. I consider a home a sacred space...especially for women. I felt like I violated his wife by being there, wanted to leave the whole time I was there and buried my feelings. I feel I violate their shared life when I call. I felt icky about that...I feel icky about it now. It's just one of my "things." Doesn't matter to me if he is OK with it, doesn't matter to me if his wife knows or not. I do. It's an energy thing for me. It's a matter of integrity with my Self. I crossed my line.

I believe the biggest part of my "he gives me the creeps" feeling is that I had not been clear enough in myself and with him about that boundary. Because I was not honoring myself and allowed him to talk me out of it when I told him of my discomfort, I unconsciously dishonored myself so then felt dishonored by him. Hence he "gave" me the creeps...but he really didn't, I was projecting onto him my self abandonment.

2- Another has to do with money. Since this was a new consideration for me AND I didn't even know what the consideration was AND I was in flux around pay scale, I was having a difficult time coming up with a "fee" structure with him.

And how did I feel about that?  I've learned enough to know that I have to feel that I'm being paid well as a mistress to want to open my body to someone in this work. I asked you if he had money. You said no, but I wonder about that given the car in his driveway, his home and all the stuff in it, etc.

So then I started the internal conversation around...since you say he doesn't have much money, do I want to give him a discounted rate? All the shit about men in the past not wanting to pay well, or "testing a few times for free first" came up (not that he suggested anything...we hadn't talked money...my issues flared). All my head stuff about what can our small town market afford came up. What's reasonable? Do I put him in the surrogate catagory? I've got the sex coaching thing, surrogate, mistress things all down, but had no clue what to do in this with him given all the parameters and considerations crossing and mixing catagories does for me.

All places, again, where I had to learn first by abandoning myself then retracking/redefining years ago came up. It all got triggered.  No wonder I was flitting! :)

What I've come to is that it seems like what he wants is what I would put in a mistress catagory. I would not want to share my body as a mistress for any less than $XXXX a day.  He gets to decide if he sees me for one hour or five. If there is travel or it's much more than that or an overnighter, I would want more as it's a bit less than what I ask for with the others.

I am clear that if it's safe, I am still interested in doing hand job massages or one of those Kashmiri massages I gave you long ago. They are clear, clean and defined. I will do them for a sliding scale of $XXX-XXX for an hour and a half. No touching me sexually. If things were to develop more as time went on and relationships built, then that would be something, but I'm not ready to dive into ambiguity from the get go, meet for hours on end with no gifting and no clarity on where it might go."

I see him for lunch tomorrow to tell him all this so that I can have closure and we can see if there are other alternatives available for him.  

It's interesting having boundaries, clarity and such as issues again.  Coming up here, there and everywhere in Gilletteland, not just within my life but those I love, as well.  I appreciate the learning I'm getting from my personal adventures and theirs.  I am loving being able to witness how they deal with it with their differing perspectives, how they work it..then I get to bounce it off my hits on it and learn even more. 
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