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If You’re Not Happy and You Know it, Clap Your Hands; You Might be a Neurotic Dater

Posted Feb 11 2010 9:46pm

Do you blame yourself for whatever goes wrong in your relationships? No matter what happens, do you second-guess yourself, worry that you said or did the wrong things and caused the other person to leave, break up, or cheat? If so, you may be a neurotic dater. What does that mean?

A neurotic dater puts far too much focus on doing and saying the right things in order to create a certain result. It’s illogical, but the mind-set goes something like this: “If I can just be good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough, and say just the right things, then maybe this person will love me and make a commitment to me.”

There are two problems with this mind set. First is the illusion of control. You simply cannot make people love you, no matter how much you bend yourself into a pretzel. While it’s possible to turn someone off, and it’s certainly possible to turn someone on in the sexual sense, it’s not possible to make someone love you. Real love is an energy that naturally arises between two people as a result of an intellectual, emotional, and chemistry connection. It is independent of what they wear, do, or say. It either happens or it doesn’t.

The other problem with the neurotic mind-set is the lack of focus on what you really want. If you’re so intent on pleasing another person, you’re probably not paying attention to whether or not you are happy. This is a formula for future unhappiness and dissatisfaction.


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