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I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years

Posted May 06 2009 1:32pm

Dear Dr. Romance:

I' m not sure where to begin. I am single white male tall and stocky like a football player. My
problem is I' m to shy and I fail to respond when women come on to me It' s like  I freeze up

I' m not out to get laid but to fall in love I fell in love once and it totally wasted me. I haven' t even
kissed a girl in ten yrs if you believe that

When I was an alcoholic I had no inhibitions and it was no problem to meet women but I haven' t
had a drink in ten yrs.  Now I' m sitting in the prison of Christianity and going nowhere Any advice would be appreciated

Dr. Romance responds:

There are two factors that contribute to your shyness.  One is that you never healed the hurt from
10 years ago, and you' re afraid to open yourself up to being hurt again.

The other is that, when you make a huge change, like giving up alcohol, you have to re-learn how to
do life.  What ever age you were when you began drinking (I' m guessing early teens) is the
emotional age you are now, because drinking stopped you from learning for all those years.

Are you going to 12-step meetings?    If you are, that' s a great place to learn with and from others
who understand, because they' e been there, too.  But, you' re not going to learn unless you speak
up and let your meeting know what your problem is.  If you are in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and you have a sponsor, your sponsor can help.

You need to mentally practice how to talk to women.  Watch movies, TV, and other people; and copy what the coolest men do.  Women will respond to you, you just have to know the techniques. 

Think of what you are doing as making friends, not beginning a new relationship.  That' s too scary, when you don' t even know the woman you' re talking to.  If you focus on just making friends with women, you' ll relax a little.  If a woman talks to you, and you freeze up, rehearse the scene later, when you' re alone.  Instead of giving yourself a hard time, just practice what you could have said, and you' ll find it easier to respond the next time.

In your imagination, go over every time a woman approached you, and figure out what you could
have done.  Practice in front of a mirror.   You' ll find you feel more comfortable after you' ve practiced a while.

You need to do some work on your old hurt, and resolve it.  My book The Real 13th Step   13th Step has exercises and guidelines to help you.  You can read my article, "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" for help with dating.

I' m surprised that you find Christianity a prison.  It could be a fellowship, and a great resource for understanding people you can talk to, volunteer with, and get to know. 

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