Yesterday was a relatively pain free day at work, and that put me in a good mood. Thought maybe the meds were finally working.
Today my vulvar vestibule was stinging and burning like crazy at work. I couldn't wait to get home and get in the bath. I kept thinking -what did I do wrong- was it something I ate? why would it act up all the sudden? I was literally going nuts in the car driving home... all I could think about was getting home and rinsing in the bath.
Somehow rinsing the area and laying on my side relieves the burning. It's like having a super sensitive area or open wound. My whole life seems to revolve around this.
It's just impossible to ignore it when I'm burning up like that. Just finished reading Tamra's most recent blog- which I highly recommend! See my profile for a link to her blog!
Anyway, I could definitely relate. This pain all started with my last boyfriend- I can't seem to get him out of my mind and body for that matter...I just want to forget him, but this V V is a constant reminder of him.
ugh! he should have to help me pay for all these medical bills!
Well,there are guys who are interested in me, but I am so freaked out about dating while I'm like this. I know there are women with vv who have met wonderful guys; I wish I could hear more of their stories. In my case, sex is out of the question. But it's not just that. I mean how do I explain why I have to wear dresses and skirts all the time - even in the dead of winter!?
I just feel so broken- literally.
I've been told that I'm a candidate for surgery; so I look toward to that as a last resort. But to have to have surgery for this- a tiny ring of mucousal skin?
It seems barbaric, although so many women who have the surgery (vestibulectomy with vaginal advancement) say that they wish they had it years ago.
I am just so tired of putting my life on hold. I'm also tired of all these meds and their side effects. I mean if they could work for me, I'd be grateful, but side effects without pain relief- getting frustrating. I'm a healthy person. I eat all organic and lots of fruits and vegetables. I've never been one to take meds, but it's what I have to try now...
My therapist says I have so much to offer- and I'm not a person with low self-esteem, but I just feel like this invisible pain has stopped me from living my life in the last year.
Well, no one can say that I'm not trying. I keep trying different meds- topical and oral- I sort of tried the PT, but my Dr said that wasnt right for me since my muscles are not tight, and the PT made me flare up big time for weeks afterwards.
Well, I am determined to go out tonight- come hell or highwater as they say- I've taken my meds and upped them more than the Dr has suggested. I know it's still a safe amount. I just am getting frustrated. I also took Celebrex. I'm just popping every pill that might help today.
I want to go out dancing tonight. I want to do something normal.
Hopefully, all these meds will calm the burning down, so I can go out...
I feel like I'm trying my best- I don't know what else to do.
I refuse to surrender to a celibate, pain filled life...
There have to be understanding guys out there. Other women with V have met them. Maybe I can tell them that I'm waiting for surgery...just like women who say they are waiting for marriage lol...
My surgeon is confident that surgery will be successful- still it is scary to have my lady parts cut out like that... and then the recovery and dilator therapy for months afterwards...
Prayers and healing to all the women living with Vulvodynia...
May we all gain strength, compassion, and happiness!