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Help for Shy Boys, Part IV: Where ARE You? Hooking Up

Posted Sep 11 2008 6:05pm
“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”
Scott Adams, Humorist


***Note: This four-part series is intended to help men who want to meet women, which is generally more difficult for men because there’s usually the expectation that they’ll make the first move, etc. However, this information may be equally helpful to women. If you haven’t read the first two parts, drop down to Part I and read forward. Of course, if you’re a new reader, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from last August and read forward from there.***

“Dr. J, I just can’t seem to meet any women!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be writing this from my private island. So maybe your problem isn’t meeting women, it’s finding that someone special with whom you are simpatico—you know: a woman who likes doing some of the things you like to do, who brings some of her own perspective to the relationship, who has a sense of humor, but won’t laugh at the way you dance. Maybe she likes to ride motorbikes—or is at least willing to try—or maybe, like you, she’s into taking those ever-popular long walks on the beach. So where is she?

I’ll Drink to That!

Depending on where you usually go to meet people, you’re likely to meet someone who generally fits the demographic particular to that location. For instance, if you’re interested in meeting bowlers, go bowling. Interested in art? Go to a museum. Interested in sports? Go to a ball game. This is generally, but not always true. So, if you go to bars to meet people, then the people you’ll meet are usually into drinking. Sure, that doesn’t mean that’s ALL they do, but it’s probably an important part of their social life. Of course, that won’t stop you from complaining that you only meet one sort of person at bars. Well duh! Just don’t expect to hang out at a museum and meet lots of women who hate art.

OK, how about if we kick things up a notch? Let’s say you want to meet a particularly sophisticated group of people. What should you do? Try joining a wine tasting group, or one involved in art appreciation. Or maybe you play an instrument or sing. How about joining a community music group? Is a pattern emerging here? Ask yourself what it is that you like to do. Then think about where you’d be most likely to find other people who share that same interest. It’s only rocket science if rocket science is what you happen to be into.

Tennis Anyone?

There are also clubs for people to explore their hobbies, like tennis or skiing. Another really great way to meet some fabulous people is to volunteer. You can help clean up hiking trails, plan a political fundraiser or tutor kids. This list is endless, and you’re sure to meet lots of like-minded women – and also experience a warm fuzzy because you’ve helped your community. It’s all good, and this just in from your community: Thank you.

No, Really?

One of the major complaints I hear is about people misrepresenting themselves online. Unfortunately it’s a given that you’ll find some 50-year-old guys pretending to be 18-year-old blonde goddesses, so learn to be smart and don’t put too much credence into what someone initially tells you about themselves. Many of the women I know who have tried the online dating route have found it wanting. Of course, there are a few who have experienced exciting new adventures, but they’re definitely outnumbered by those who have met men pretending to be something they’re not. This brings us to the main drawback of online sites: by their nature, they are extremely shallow, so it’s no surprise that they generally attract like-minded people: the woman who’s only interested in the size of someone’s wallet, or the guy who will only talk to a 20-year-old redhead with size 44 breasts. So unless you too are looking for a one-trick pony, you might want to focus your search elsewhere. Who knows, you might just broaden your mind, too.

Kids, it’s a three-day weekend, and I’m outta here. As always, your comments and questions are welcome. I’d really like to hear your ideas for meeting people. What’s been successful for you? What hasn’t worked? The sharing lamp is lit.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J
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