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Posted Oct 13 2009 10:02pm
I've been meditating a lot these days. Sometimes for hours. I love it.

The kind of meditation I've been doing is a form of Vipassana where I constantly and methodically scan my body to feel where I've got energetic blocks. I then breathe into the area and feel whatever is there, allow it, try and create space around it, soften into it and allow the energy to flow

I notice that I have two areas that are really constricted. In other words, when I quiet my mind and body, I often feel pain in those areas.

They are my womb and my heart.

So much good stuff is coming up. I get huge surges of energy that flow through my body. Often I will have orgasms that come in waves. I've been having tons of those jack hammer thingies in my brain. I've been working out back tweakies and have the feeling that other kinds of healing is occuring.

As my heart opens more and more, I notice an increased sensitivity to hearts that don't feel open in the moment, whether mine or others.

I am noticing/feeling lots of pain in the world. Pain that comes from hearts that shut down in fear. I look around and see how deep down we are all these little kids on so many levels- protecting our hearts when we feel unloved or judged. We lose our balance, revert to protective behaviors as coping strategies and end up acting in ways we never would if we felt loved, whole, and centered.

Often we are kinda asshole-ish, as those in fear are.

I keep remembering that saying that goes something like "When we act in fear, we end up creating exactly what we are trying to avoid." So true in my world. So.

We think someone will leave us so we grasp. In the grasping we push them away.

We hear something and feel hurt. So we lash back to try to bury the pain, hoping to silence the other, convince them that they have intentionally and wrongly hurt us. All that happens is we spiral around tighter, alienating each other more.

We come up against each other at our most tenderist times, when neither has the capacity to get outside themselves and see the other is in pain, too. All we can see/feel is ours. We project that out onto the other, losing trust in their basic goodness, unable to see that they, too, aren't themselves, their behavior intensified by the Dance of Fear.

All our questions about our worthiness, our lovableness get challenged in relationship in fear mode.

And usually we fall right back in to our old conditioned beliefs about how we are not.

Golly, we have such tender hearts.
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