“I’m not interested in sex anymore…I’m only 28… What is wrong that I don’t have the desire anymore?”
“I’m not interested in sex with my partner anymore, I don’t have any desire for it and I do it just for the sake of the marriage and I have to do it. I have no feelings at all and no sensation.”
“Why? Why are we so scared to say, ‘Hey! I’m not interested in sex!’ Is talking about having no desire to touch another person’s genitals so taboo?”
When she was in her 30s, Lillian* ended a relationship because her boyfriend liked sex less than she did. “He thought sex once a week was more than enough,” she recalls. “I wasn’t looking forward to having sex as much,” he says. “It was, ‘If we do it, we do it; if we don’t, we don’t.’”
“What is wrong with me? I’m not interested in sex at all and I am really bothered by it.”
Help! He’s Not Interested In Sex!
I was at a party recently with five women, ranging in age from 25 to 55 and all of these women were complaining that their husband’s are not interested in sex. They would rather play video games, work, or watch TV than make love to the woman they love. My husband’s initial reaction was, “Frankly, I’m disappointed in the American male.” But in fairness, his statement is blaming the guy for something they obviously can’t help. What is going on with these guys? And is this really as common as this party would suggest?
I personally suspect that it is just as common as this party would suggest. Out of all the couples there, only two of us wives could claim the joy of being sexually satisfied. There is a statistic out there that says something like 70% of all women have affairs, generally in their 40’s. I think I am beginning to understand the statistic. They don’t want a divorce but they don’t know how to make it better for themselves. One of my girlfriends once told me that her husband and lost all interest, and she was desperate. He told her to go out and find sex outside of the marriage and he would not care. How sad is that? They obviously love each other but have no capacity to enjoy the passion that had once filled their marriage bed. For most of us the axiom that sex ends after marriage comes from men who are dissatisfied with the level of sexual activity from their wives. So it came as a shocker to me that this is, perhaps, more of a dominant problem for women.
Why would this be? How could so many healthy men be so disinterested in sex? After all, biology would have us believe that their sex drive is higher than women’s and they should be the ones incessantly demanding more frequent sexual encounters, but this doesn’t seem to be true!
Holding Back On Passion
What is holding back their passion? They love their wives and, I must say, the women at this party were no dogs. They were beautiful, intelligent, interesting, passionate women who were as perplexed as I was that this is a problem for their husbands. This is when I started to get really interested, because I have always said that I believe that men and women are not really so different. Men and women both need emotional intimacy to enjoy frequent, spontaneous and joyful sexual encounters. But so few of us know how to obtain that connection. The sad thing is that so many of us think we have that connection, simply because we have nothing to compare it to so we think it’s adequate.
Well, the “proof is in the pudding”. If you are not having frequent, spontaneous, joyful, sex than there is something missing in your emotional connection with your partner. Discovering what is missing has sent people packing off to therapy only to be disappointed at the outcome because underlying problems were brought to the surface and rather than resolving them the couples ended up divorced!
What To Do If Your Partner Has Problems Connecting With You Sexually
If your partner is struggling with their desire for sexual connection there are some important things you MUST do:
1) Have them get a physical (this is important for both sexes but VITAL for men as Dr. Oz says, “The penis is the ‘dipstick’ for physical health” and it’s often the first indicator of a problem) 2) Make sure hormone levels are where they need to be for you to feel desire. (I have suffered from low desire my whole life and found out a few years ago my Testosterone level was WAY off). 3) Start educating yourself about communication, connection and intimacy. There are many good sites online that will help you transform your intimacy (www.thisisgreatsex.com is but one) 4) Stop taking it personally. This is not about you having failed your partner or your partner having failed you. It is simply that you both need to take ownership of the problem as a couple. It’s a relationship problem you can solve together. 5) Understand that men are just as sensitive emotionally as women are and we all carry with us baggage from our pat that impacts our sexual desire and our ability connect emotionally
Having exciting, frequent sex with your partner is not just good for your relationship, its also good for you. Your health and emotional well-being are greatly enhanced by engaging in satisfying sex. It’s not a secret any more that if you want to keep your relationship alive you have to work at it. If the sex is not alive then there is something amiss in the relationship and there is no one to blame, only work to be done. The good news is that it’s not something that takes years and years to do and it’s an exciting thing to participate in even if you don’t get immediate results. Cement your future, your relationship and your health by making sure that his, or her, passion is reignited.