Grieving over a loss involves some self-pity but there are healing tears and hollow tears. Self-pity alone leads to hollow tears that don’t really cleanse the soul and help heal the heart. Grief work, even if it involves self-pity, leads to healing tears.
The core issue in grief work is “I am alone. I am never going to have X again. My life has changed and I hate it.” It’s a very self-centered type of work because you have been deeply wounded. Some, again SOME, self-pity and self-absorption is normal and natural. You’ve been hurt. You hurt. You have to feel sorry for yourself in some way. It’s okay.
Much of grief work is “ oh woe is me ” but it’s also about working through all the emotions, the anger, the pain, the guilt, the sense of betrayal and change. It’s exhausting and sometimes we are having mental and emotional temper tantrums and might even think “ Why is this happening to ME???” It’s all part of the emotional spectrum of grief.
Doing grief work is much like having a bad toothache… YOUR pain is all you can think about…and becomes very all-encompassing. It’s about “* I * hurt” and sometimes we can and do feel sorry for ourselves in the process. why me why me why me is part of it.
It’s all part of the process. The important thing is that it’s not the only part of the process.
It’s hard and it hurts.
Cry…let it out…whether it is because you are alone and you feel sorry for yourself or because you miss this person or this situation (ie marriage).
Just make sure that self-pity is one of many states that you are experiencing…not the only one.
If you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself over a long period of time, it may be time to make a decision to turn the page and move on. You know when the bulk of the grief has passed and you’re still feeling sorry for yourself. It’s something you need to get honest about and decide, cognitively, that it’s time to turn the page and move on.
If it’s been months and you’ve been feeling not just grief and self-pity but also despair and hopelessness, you really need to get an evaluation for depression. This is NOT a weakness. It’s a strength to ask for help when you need it. If it’s been months and you just cannot pull out of it, please see a professional and get evaluated. If you need to take medication, that is okay too. It can be a support to get you to the place where you can do the work. It will NOT take the feelings away..the grief and hurt that you need to feel…what it will do is take the despair away so that you are not so hurt you can’t go on.
Grief, self-pity and depression are all part of the healing process...but check where you are in the process and reach out if you need to, move on if you need to and do what you need to do to move on. Pain after a breakup is inevitable but suffering is optional.
Don’t suffer. Do your work, feel the pain, do the healing and move on. If you’re stuck because you’ve fallen into self-pity, decide to move on. If you’re stuck because you are depressed, get help.
Click here for more On Are You Depressed?
You don’t have to stay there. Be good to you.
Grieving over a loss involves some self-pity but there are healing tears and hollow tears. Self-pity alone leads to hollow tears that don’t really cleanse the soul and help heal the heart. Grief work, even if it involves self-pity, leads to healing tears.
The core issue in grief work is “I am alone. I am never going to have X again. My life has changed and I hate it.” It’s a very self-centered type of work because you have been deeply wounded. Some, again SOME, self-pity and self-absorption is normal and natural. You’ve been hurt. You hurt. You have to feel sorry for yourself in some way. It’s okay.
Much of grief work is “ oh woe is me ” but it’s also about working through all the emotions, the anger, the pain, the guilt, the sense of betrayal and change. It’s exhausting and sometimes we are having mental and emotional temper tantrums and might even think “ Why is this happening to ME???” It’s all part of the emotional spectrum of grief.
Doing grief work is much like having a bad toothache… YOUR pain is all you can think about…and becomes very all-encompassing. It’s about “* I * hurt” and sometimes we can and do feel sorry for ourselves in the process. why me why me why me is part of it.
It’s all part of the process. The important thing is that it’s not the only part of the process.
It’s hard and it hurts.
Cry…let it out…whether it is because you are alone and you feel sorry for yourself or because you miss this person or this situation (ie marriage).
Just make sure that self-pity is one of many states that you are experiencing…not the only one.
If you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself over a long period of time, it may be time to make a decision to turn the page and move on. You know when the bulk of the grief has passed and you’re still feeling sorry for yourself. It’s something you need to get honest about and decide, cognitively, that it’s time to turn the page and move on.
If it’s been months and you’ve been feeling not just grief and self-pity but also despair and hopelessness, you really need to get an evaluation for depression. This is NOT a weakness. It’s a strength to ask for help when you need it. If it’s been months and you just cannot pull out of it, please see a professional and get evaluated. If you need to take medication, that is okay too. It can be a support to get you to the place where you can do the work. It will NOT take the feelings away..the grief and hurt that you need to feel…what it will do is take the despair away so that you are not so hurt you can’t go on.
Grief, self-pity and depression are all part of the healing process...but check where you are in the process and reach out if you need to, move on if you need to and do what you need to do to move on. Pain after a breakup is inevitable but suffering is optional.
Don’t suffer. Do your work, feel the pain, do the healing and move on. If you’re stuck because you’ve fallen into self-pity, decide to move on. If you’re stuck because you are depressed, get help.
Click here for more On Are You Depressed?
You don’t have to stay there. Be good to you.