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Great on Paper, Good on Lips?

Posted Mar 03 2010 12:01pm

It’s your second date with the new guy you met online. You’re sitting at an upscale neighborhood bar sipping wine. He’s sitting across from you trying to make a good impression. He’s got all the right stuff - education, great job, manners. He’s single, available, and doesn’t appear to have commitment issues. Your brain starts to do a number on you. Half of your brain says “Wow, this guy has so much going for him - not like some of the losers I’ve met online recently. I can’t find a thing wrong with him. I really want this to work.” The other half of you (not your brain) says “Wait a second here! Where’s the tingle, the electricity, the warm feeling in certain body parts that I crave?”

What do you do with this split information? Body and brain don’t agree, so the brain tries to take over. “How many more losers do I have to date to find Mr. Right? How many times have I fallen for the hot guy only to get my heart broken? Enough of that, already! I want a nice guy this time, someone I can take home to meet my parents, someone I can marry, feel secure with, and have kids with. This can work! I’ll make it work.”

Enter: The Kiss Test. It’s time to get real about the chemistry aspect of relationshps. As you sit there talking with this guy, pay close attention to your gut and ask yourself this question: Are those lips I can see myself kissing? If the answer is a part of you shudders and you can’t imagine your lips on his without forcing yourself, take a pass. If a guy doesn’t pass The Kiss Test, the relationship will never work, no matter how great his attributes. While overblown chemistry is often a sign of impending relationship drama and a broken heart, the other extreme - a lack of any chemistry - is not the way to go.

Basic compatibility calls for enough chemistry so that you can imagine kissing those lips, touching those hands, and holding that person close. Sometimes we swing to the other extreme on the heels of a blistering, high-chemistry, rollercoaster relationship that crashes and burns. After so much drama/trauma, it’s time to push the pause button on dating, heal your heart, and regain a balanced perspective. The race in life is to the middle. Once you are back on your feet, you can aim for a relationship with a balance of chemistry and compability.

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