Let’s talk about sex. I went to dinner last night with a friend of mine.
I call him Billy Bob-
The tone of his voice, the way he articulates his words and something in his looks reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton. He is in town for a wedding and I was so very happy to see him -as I love me some Billy Bob!
Over a delightful meal we discussed my book, my blog and the subjects I touch on-
I was telling him of an experience I just had a couple of nights before.
I was out with a friend of mine and some of her friends met us out as well. I was the only American. It was half Peruvians and half Russians.
We all ended up going back to the house of my friend’s friend. He is Russian and a chef and made us a delicious spread of food- as by that time we were starving.
Now- my friend is married and happily for that matter.
The house that we were at was my friend’s friend and her boyfriend (the chef).
Well, they began to pass around shots of some Peruvian alcohol which I can only describe as taking a shot of rubbing alcohol.
I did not want to take a shot- I was done drinking for the night- but when you are in a room full of Russians and you are the only American you feel the pressure to represent your country and take one for the team.
So I did- and so did my Peruvian friend.
The rubbing alcohol tasting shot hit me like a punch in the face.
So the chef (whose girlfriend is really good friends with my friend) pulled out the sofa bed and told us to sleep there so we didn’t have to call a cab.
Well you would have thought that we had committed a federal offense-
The girlfriend of the chef had a small fit- even though she lives there and would be there- she flipped out at the thought of my friend and me sleeping in the pull out bed downstairs.
Why? Because she wanted to go to sleep and knew her boyfriend was going to stay up with the other friends who were there and that my friend and I would be sleeping in the room next to them.
Now- I get how men think- so I do understand that me and my beautiful Peruvian friend asleep in the same bed would most likely create a fantasy or two in the drunk minds of the men there.
But at that point I was not going to argue with a girl who doesn’t trust her boyfriend enough to let her friends sleep in her house instead of calling a cab.
So we took a cab.
The next morning I woke up thinking about how much energy is wasted in relationships where there is zero trust. Zero communication and zero acceptance of the human condition and natural desires and thoughts that do arise.
Billy Bob and I sat discussing this over dinner and delicious wine. As I began to explain to him the taboo subjects I touch on in my book and my writing- one of them being the giant elephant in the room called human desire that most women pretend they don’t see.
While the elephant goes around like a bull in china shop- all the while having to pretend it is a mouse.
We, as a society, can’t talk about the thoughts that go through a man’s mind at any given point of the day- and I am saying men because it is men that we have placed in a pressure cooker for generations of time- since death do you part- forsaking all others came into play.
We can’t acknowledge the differences between how a man is hardwired sexually as opposed to a woman. We can’t discuss the thoughts that pass through a man’s mind about his wife’s best friend or the girl at the coffee counter- because in this society-
In the land of American Monogamy – these things are better left unsaid and if left unsaid we can go around in ignorant bliss, blindly asking, “What elephant?”
While our relationships never go deeper than a pot hole on the road of love and life.
Where men have to act as if they don’t think the way they naturally are hardwired to think. If a man at any given point in the day sat down and told his wife how quickly sexual thoughts pass through his mind like grains of sand through hands(and who he might be thinking about) he would be made to feel he had betrayed in some way, shape or form.
This is not all relationships- and I am not saying that.
I am how ever- bringing up the subject to simply ask a question-
How real is your relationship? How deep does your communication go? How accepting and free is your lover to be?
This is not a free pass- go and partake in anyone you are attracted to so we can have and open and honest relationship-
But I do believe monogamy is a choice- not a natural state of being.
I do believe that choice is based on the foundation of complete love and desire to deepen love over time- and if this is the goal then there must be a space of trust and safety in order for that love to grow and deepen. And to most people- monogamy is that space of trust and safety.
However, being in a relationship where your partner makes this choice in a complete bed of freedom is a much different energy than your partner making that choice in confines and chains of a life lived as a mouse when you are a giant elephant.
When monogamy is taken one moment at a time and held in the hands of reverence of the commitment you have made- this is a beautiful gift you give yourself and your lover.
For the love of men- I want to release them from the pressure cooker.
I want to truly understand the man I choose to be with- even if because I am made with an emotional body that is different I can’t fully grasp what it is like- I still want to know men and embrace the differences in complete acceptance.
I, in respect of myself, will maintain the boundaries that allow me to feel comfortable in love and relationships- but at the same time it is not my desire to make anyone feel they must hide thought forms in order to not disappoint me.
For the love of men- Let’s talk about sex baby! Even for the sake of what if...