Every couple fights. It’s a fact of life! Arguing in a relationship helps to vent feelings and can even be healthy for a relationship.
Unfortunately, not everyone fights fair. Lots of couples will start arguments with each other when it’s not even necessary and while the occasional fight is normal and healthy, fighting all the time can take a toll on your relationship.
How can you avoid a fight when you’re really just trying to have a discussion?
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My partner and I fight a lot. Sometimes it gets really out of hand and we both end up feeling really bad afterwards, especially if the fight was over something stupid. How can I learn to fight fair?
Both men and women in a relationship will often go on the attack when they’re upset about something. It’s common for someone to place blame on their partner when they’re upset, especially if their partner did something that really bothered them. Unfortunately, going on the attack like this and placing blame on your partner is usually what starts a fight.
Even if you’re trying to discuss something with your partner, if you place blame at all, your partner is automatically going to go on the defensive. They will counter by placing blame on you, escalating to the argument until it is beyond the point of return.
You can avoid this if you approach your partner about the situation without blame and simply tell them how you feel or how something that happened made you feel.
Instead of saying something like, “I can’t believe you did this,” you can say, “When you did this, it made me feel . . . . ” Instead of placing blame and fault on your partner for doing something, giving them a chance to really understand how you feel.
This keeps a discussion a discussion instead of an argument or fight.