Excerpt: How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days – Offloading The Fairy Tale Of Turning a Cockroach into a Frog into a Prince (
Posted May 18 2010 9:00am
Following on from part one yesterday here is the second part of the excerpt:
Loving, trusting, and choosing blindly are all things that I address in How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days, particularly on the issue of not realising that we’re often choosing men who are lacking insubstance and then wondering why the relationship and the behaviours that they display are insubstantial.
The jig is up. If you’ve experienced pain as a result of being involved with an assclown, it might be occurring to you that you’re caught up in your own bad fairy tale. The excitement, fireworks, and the happy, sappy ending, have created massive illusions which when they get pierced, cause us to come crashing down because we realise we have little or nothing.
There is the weight of too high expectations or unrealistic ones about the type of man we’re holding out for and many women don’t realise that the excitement, fireworks, and passion they pursue, are often tied up in negative patterns of relationship behaviour. In fact, I can assure you that if you’ve been in your share of dubious relationships and use excitement, passion, and chemistry as your benchmark for choosing who to become involved with, it’s likely that you don’t recognise the familiar feeling of fear and the lure of it that draws you into your relationship pattern.
You may also have a lack of awareness about your own contribution to your relationships because you’re too busy focusing on their actions.
You’ll soon realise that if anything feels familiar when you start dating someone and you’ve got assclowns dotted in your past, it’s probably an early warning sign to take off the rose coloured glasses and the fur coat of denial, and check for warning signs in the form of red flags. In fact, you also need to acknowledge that you may have a relationship pattern that’s standing in the way of you actually forging a relationship with prospects.
But we could ask, ‘If we want a ‘prince’, why not chase a prince?’
Well that would be too easy wouldn’t it! For a start, there is no ‘prince’ and the type of world we live in, particularly with online dating and the idea that there is a never ending supply of people to date, means that we have to weed through a lot of chaff to get to a decent guy. Even worse, many of us actually believe that there are no ‘good men’ to date, that most men put in sniffing distance of a cheating opportunity will drop their pants, and that it’s more important to find a man, any man and work on loving him and building him from the ground up than it is to be focused on quality. And let’s not forget that for some of us, we’re so used to dealing with assclowns that we’re damn near suspicious or completely disinterested when a genuinely good man is interested in us.
I wouldn’t even start to pretend that it’s easy to date and that it’s easy to meet decent guys, however, you will quickly realise that irrespective of the type of guy that you are meeting out there, you are likely to have some relationship habits that mean you are far more likely to gravitate to assclowns than you are to be interested in someone who actually offers genuine prospects for a relationship.
The reality is that when you’ve been chasing assclowns instead of chasing a ‘prince’, it’s because you either believe that you can’t do better, or believe that it will be easier because the assclown will be grateful that a lovely, decent woman like you will be interested.
Other people’s dodgy behaviour is very distracting especially from our own issues that place us with them in the first place, and when faced with feeling that we love someone who behaves like a value lacking, unappreciative dipstick, we cannot fathom their behaviour and are often convinced that people who don’t behave very well are looking for, or are in need of someone to show them the error of their ways.
We mistakenly think we are the solutions to many a problematic mans problems. We think we can fix, heal, and help them and love them into being different. We believe that all that’s been missing has been someone to love and believe in them and swoop into their lives and magic away their problems and assclown ways. It’s a major challenge – it’s a message to your self esteem that if a man loves you, no matter how much of a jackass he is, he will change. In fact, we believe that if a man will change for us, that it finally creates that validation we’ve been seeking that we’re worthy and loveable.
Therein lies the problem though, because in viewing yourself as a ‘solution’ to their problems, you’re acknowledging that there’s a problem, but not assessing the risk and scale of the problem. Of course, the confusion and horror sets in, when it becomes apparent that they don’t value you, which in turn causes you to wonder what on earth is wrong with you and kick into high gear trying to win them over because it beggars belief that someone who behaves in this way couldn’t want you. Doesn’t he realise how lucky he is? Doesn’t he appreciate how accommodating you’ve been? Doesn’t he realise that he’s not really that great? No. And so, a little tale of assclownville begins…
This is an excerpt from How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days, out Tuesday 25th May 2010.
You can check out my ebooks includingThe No Contact Rule,a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you, andMr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl , a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, in my bookshop . For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service .