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Especially for Men and the Women who Love Them

Posted Jul 01 2008 4:11pm
women in the mood, especially for men, sex drives, the art of intimacy, intimacy, great relationships, healing relationships, marriage, great marriages, low sex drives, women and sex

While I am writing this post for men who have particularly requested this topic, it is actually directed to women.

Here is the problem...

What can a man do when his wife refuses sex.

Some men feel their wives are not particularly interested in sex, or their sex drives are less than theirs. This situation creates frustration and resentment at best, anger and divorce at worst.

Unequal sex drives is a common problem, unfortunately with not too many great solutions. Reality is two people coming together are not always in the mood at the same time or in the same ways. Family obligations, work demands, physical and emotional health; and many other factors influence the dynamics of a couple's sexual experience. Managing the sexual needs of humans has most likely been a problem for, oh, at least five thousand years. (smile)

Historically, women have been the property of men and under obligation to be sexually used as was necessary for a man. But as society has moved toward equality women often no longer feel a need to be sexually available to a man; women in many civilized and modern cultures no longer believe sex is a duty or requirement. And, men no longer are able to demand sex as they wish whether from a wife, concubine, or slave.

Few will argue that the old system was in any way in the best interest of women and certainly we (in many areas of the world) have become more enlightened, and progressed toward treating women as fully human with rights over their own bodies.

Today we have some great men who would never remotely think of raping their wives, and who honor, respect, and love their life partners and yet they are not feeling sexually fulfilled and are at a loss as to what to do.

I've posted a few articles to help women feel more sexual, sharing research on this topic. For a few examples, we know that women under stress, with low self-esteem, or in unhealthy relationships, are not often wanting to emotionally or physically engage in sexual activity. You can read more on this topic *here*. I've also given a simple exercise *here* that helps some couples get out of the need/resentment cycle.

Still, there are conscientious men who love their wives and try everything they can to make their relationship healthy and strong, but may be continually frustrated with their wives who are not interested in sex.

So, this is for the women who have great husbands who love them and want to have a wonderful, fulfilling, and sexually satisfying relationship.


Now, first let me be really clear. I am the first one todenounceany remote suggestion that sex is a duty or obligation. I think there is little that wouldsquelchlove making for women more than this archaic idea. It completely takes out any pleasure or fun and turns what can be an incredible bonding and loving experience into one or resentment and degradation.

What I do think however, is that it is loving and kind to give to our partners even if we are not always totally, completely in the mood.

This doesn't mean we become doormats or slaves nor does it mean we give up our sense of self or integrity.

It means that, as in other areas of a relationship we give and show love to our spouse (or partner).

Men sometimes do not realize all that goes on in a woman's heart and mind associated with sex, and women sometimes do not realize the particular needs of men.*

So the best a couple can do is BOTH work to support andaccommodatethe needs of the other, not out of obligation or resentment but out of love and care.

For men, it may mean expressing love more often or demonstrating faithfulness, for women it may be learning to be moreaccommodatingand sexually open.*

The point is, a healthy sexual relationship is not about exclusively focusing on one's own particular needs in every given moment but realizing that a partnership is about giving, sharing, compromising, and most of all loving.

For more on this topic please read:

Sexual Incompatibility

Ten Ways to Get Women in the Mood

*Obviously these are just some examples given for the particular purposes of this post; I do not mean to imply all women or all men fall into anycategory. There are certainly women who have a greater sex drive then many men.

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