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Deer In Headlights

Posted Jan 27 2009 7:13pm
J's being so sweet, all patient with me, letting me know he still wants to get closer if and when I'm ready.

A few weeks ago, he, A (his wife) and I went out to a dinner party. Later, at their house (and after a number of glasses of wine), J and I ended up making out...and then he came out to the car and we went at it again.

Loverman and I have been talking about me beginning with a new Lo veurrrrrrr (it, of course, must be said with the right inflection).

I don't know what it is, though...I don't take any steps toward him/her.

I was talking with A this morning and I told her that I didn't think it was the incest thing with J...us being such good friends for so long. But maybe it is.

Or maybe it's that I'm not ready due to reasons that have no reason except something way deep inside me that I can't access.

Or maybe although we've been talking about it, I'm not ready to do the work that taking that step might bring to the dynamics of my relationship with Loverman. Because it will change us. Hopefully it would be for the better....but??????

So although I still haven't been able to find where the tweak comes from, whenever I do pondercate taking any actual steps torward finding a new Love urrrrrr, I feel like this

So I don't.

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