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Dear Dr. Romance: Even though i dont want to talk to him, i miss him

Posted Mar 17 2011 12:00am
 Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a college girl doing master degree. I am facing some problems pertaining to my love life and i wan help from u. My relation with my boyfriend is about a year old. After we got committed he is transferred to a different state. We are away from each other for the past 8 months. Meanwhile I have met a guy in my university in my department and i think i can feel some soft corners for him. He proposed me a some days back and after a few days i found myself leaning against him in his arms. Now my boyfriend loves me a lot and is very caring. Though he stays away from me we talk to each other more than twice a day. But i am attracted to this guy of my university. I can't decide what i should do. the guy in my university is moving a step ahead towards sex everyday and i cannot resist him. Niether do i want to breakup with my boyfriend. 

 As far as my boyfriend is concerned, i like his sense of commitment and being by me whenever i need him, but as far as career is concerned, his career is not that competent as mine. I come from india and my parents opinion matters a lot to me and they wont accept someone to be my life partner whose career is not better or equally good as mine.

On the other hand the guy in my university is PhD pursuing and has a bright career ahead. But he at times behave quite insensitively. Like a few days back he started such topics that brought tears to my eyes, i left the lab immediately as i couldnot hold back my tears but he didnt make any movement to stop me then, though he called me later and apologised but had my boyfriend been there, he would have immediately stopped me and helped to fight back my tears. My boyfriend loves me this is for sure. He knows the entire situation and evrything about the guy in my university. He was very hurt to hear all those but is still in my life and taking care of me and considering that to be a mistake of mine want to keep me in his life. On the other hand yesterday as we were standing close to each other in the lab a senior student came into the lab and bounced back out of the door seeing us together. i was very hurt as if this goes out nobody in the dept will ever respect me. i got very annoyed and asked this guy to stop talking to me and stop meeting me. but since i came home i cannot concentrate on anything. Even though i dont want to talk to him, i miss him. i dont understand what is happening and what i should do. please help me.

 Dear reader:

I understand your problem.  You're caught between what your heart wants and your parents' disapproval. Perhaps you're not quite ready for a commitment to your boyfriend or this other guy.  Maybe you should ask your boyfriend for a break,  during which each of you can date others.  Being apart is difficult, so I can understand why you are having feelings for someone else.  Do you love your boyfriend enough to risk your parents' disapproval?   If not, then you should let him go, don't keep him holding on in vain -- he obviously loves you.  If you're not going to ever commit to him, he needs to know that, so he can move on.  This new guy doesn't sound like a good choice.  Yes, he's got a  better job than your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like he's as good a guy. 

However, neither relationship seems to have a solid foundation, so I think you're not ready to be so serious.  Take some time to figure out what you want out of a relationship.You haven't said anything about what you have in common with either guy, or what your plans for the future are.    Being close to someone and having sex isn't enough to create a solid relationship.  You are in a stage of life now where your options are open.  Maybe you should keep them open until you're more clear about exactly what you want.  Please read my article "Asking for What you Want"   which will help you get more clear with yourself and your boyfriend, and "Stupid Cupid" to help you understand what you need in a relationship.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  can give you the tools you need to help you deal with your parents better, and figure out what you want from your own life.  That has to come from you, not your parents or your boyfriend.

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