For those of you who are not quite convinced that remaining open to experience is the way to go, I encourage you to consider this: not remaining open to the moment can cost you. Let's take relationships, for instance.
What do you do when you are uncomfortable? How do you deal with “pregnant pauses” in a conversation? How do you respond to compliments? What happens when you feel like someone is getting close to knowing the “real you”, especially the vulnerable parts? For many of us, we get really busy. We start gabbing. Some of us jump up to do something critical we "just remembered". Sometimes we simply change the subject. Some of us don't know exactly what to do so we stay quiet but inside we “go away” and disconnect from the weight of the moment.
As much as we say we want more of it, space and time can make us uncomfortable and understandably so. We live in a society that moves faster every day. That pace has become comfortable for many, simply because it is "normal".
Our senses are assaulted,daily. We are bathed in adrenaline. What we don't get from our commute and work stresses we supplement with caffeine, nicotine or energy bars. We are inundated with technology that, in theory, keeps us connected. Ironically, however, our pace is the very thing that separates us. It is hard to do just one thing anymore, and people can get pretty upset if we even try. We talk and eat while we stand at the counter going through the mail. We read e-mail while we are on the phone. We drive and talk on our cell phones while digging for toll change. We are forgetting how to simply be present. And when we are present it is uncomfortable but there are a million escape routes to "save" us.
So, what is the harm in being normal? After all, this is how it is for most people, right? Isn't this just how life is?
When we miss out on those opportunities to connect, to truly be in relationship with each other, we miss out on the opportunity to know and love ourselves. That whole question of "normalcy"...we don't know if we are normal or not. All those questions we wrestle with, we end up facing alone. We can look at everyone else who "seems to be doing just fine" and that makes us feel worse. Those questions don't go away but they don't get answered either. By taking it for granted that we'll have time to think things through by ourselves as soon as the next work project is complete or holiday is over or whatever special circumstance you are dealing with has passed we can fail to see that there is ALWAYS a special circumstance. We take our present, as well as our future, for granted and then we look at divorce rates, or the man who has a stroke the year before retirement or how quickly children grow up and we shake our heads but we don’t always see the reflection.
So, the next time you find yourself wanting to fill up an uncomfortable space, consider taking the opportunity to refrain. Simply refrain before you react. Be "at choice." Be conscious of your next step. As Pema Chodron would state, learn to "lean in to the sharp points" of your discomfort, your boredom, your insecurity, fear or anger and see what they have to teach you.
Remember to be compassionate and, most of all, know you are not alone in your discomfort. These are skills of relating that we all are losing and they need practice.
We all need practice.
For those of you who are not quite convinced that remaining open to experience is the way to go, I encourage you to consider this: not remaining open to the moment can cost you. Let's take relationships, for instance.
What do you do when you are uncomfortable? How do you deal with “pregnant pauses” in a conversation? How do you respond to compliments? What happens when you feel like someone is getting close to knowing the “real you”, especially the vulnerable parts? For many of us, we get really busy. We start gabbing. Some of us jump up to do something critical we "just remembered". Sometimes we simply change the subject. Some of us don't know exactly what to do so we stay quiet but inside we “go away” and disconnect from the weight of the moment.
As much as we say we want more of it, space and time can make us uncomfortable and understandably so. We live in a society that moves faster every day. That pace has become comfortable for many, simply because it is "normal".
Our senses are assaulted,daily. We are bathed in adrenaline. What we don't get from our commute and work stresses we supplement with caffeine, nicotine or energy bars. We are inundated with technology that, in theory, keeps us connected. Ironically, however, our pace is the very thing that separates us. It is hard to do just one thing anymore, and people can get pretty upset if we even try. We talk and eat while we stand at the counter going through the mail. We read e-mail while we are on the phone. We drive and talk on our cell phones while digging for toll change. We are forgetting how to simply be present. And when we are present it is uncomfortable but there are a million escape routes to "save" us.
So, what is the harm in being normal? After all, this is how it is for most people, right? Isn't this just how life is?
When we miss out on those opportunities to connect, to truly be in relationship with each other, we miss out on the opportunity to know and love ourselves. That whole question of "normalcy"...we don't know if we are normal or not. All those questions we wrestle with, we end up facing alone. We can look at everyone else who "seems to be doing just fine" and that makes us feel worse. Those questions don't go away but they don't get answered either. By taking it for granted that we'll have time to think things through by ourselves as soon as the next work project is complete or holiday is over or whatever special circumstance you are dealing with has passed we can fail to see that there is ALWAYS a special circumstance. We take our present, as well as our future, for granted and then we look at divorce rates, or the man who has a stroke the year before retirement or how quickly children grow up and we shake our heads but we don’t always see the reflection.
So, the next time you find yourself wanting to fill up an uncomfortable space, consider taking the opportunity to refrain. Simply refrain before you react. Be "at choice." Be conscious of your next step. As Pema Chodron would state, learn to "lean in to the sharp points" of your discomfort, your boredom, your insecurity, fear or anger and see what they have to teach you.
Remember to be compassionate and, most of all, know you are not alone in your discomfort. These are skills of relating that we all are losing and they need practice.
We all need practice.