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Dating with “Beginner’s Mind”

Posted Feb 18 2009 12:04pm

The term “Beginner’s Mind” comes from Zen Buddhism. It means having an open mind, an eagerness and a lack of preconceptions when learning about a topic or activity, even when you aren’t a novice.

Midlife dating can be difficult to approach with a childlike wonder because you’ve dated in the past and/or been in long-term relationships. You feel you are at the graduate level, not a newbie. You think you know a lot about the other gender, even if you’ve had difficulty in many of your past relationships.

The key element of this approach is that in the Beginner’s Mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.

Here’s a story that illustrates this concept.

A learned man went to visit a famous Zen master under the auspices of wanting to learn more about Zen from the master. As the master quietly prepared tea, the man pontificated about Zen. On and on he went arrogantly sharing what was “right” and “wrong” with the philosophy. When the master poured the visitor’s tea, he continued pouring past the brim. The man watched the overflowing cup, yelling at the master, “Stop! It’s overfull! No more will go in!” The master looked at him calmly.”You are like this cup. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup.”

So it can be with dating. If we think we are so advanced that we know all there is to know about ourselves, men and relationships, there is no room for new information. We pontificate: “All men want is sex,” “Men are jerks,” “All the good men are taken.” There is no room in our world view to see that men want more than just sex, there are lots of wonderful, available, non-jerk midlife men wanting to find a great woman like you.

So how do we approach dating with Beginner’s Mind? The first step is to be aware of what preconceptions are in our mind already and be willing to let go of the beliefs that keep us attracting men that aren’t a match and repelling men that are. When we release old beliefs that no longer serve us, there is room for messages that will get us what we want: a loving, interesting, honest, loyal man.

When you hear yourself thinking a negative stereotypical thought, actively work to say, “I am open to believing a different interpretation.” For example, you hear of a man cheating on his girlfriend, you think, “All men are players, cheaters and pigs.” Consciously change that to, “A few men are cheaters, but I know that the majority of men are loyal, honest and caring. That is the kind of man who is attracted to be with me.”

What makes it difficult for you to approach dating with a Beginner’s Mind? What negative tapes keep playing in your head that you think limit you from approaching dating with enthusiasm and wonder?


Date or WaitThe new book,  Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? is packed with information on getting a positive attitude for dating. Immediately download your copy now, or order the softcover book and tell us to whom we should autograph it.

Read the new review of Date or Wait by Dr. Jenn at Attract Your Soulmate.

Listen (download or real time) to DG’s hour-long interview on Dr. Karen Kan’s radio show.

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