Looking back- I can say I have truly been in love twice in my life.
That is not to undermine the other caring relationships I have been in- I believed I was in love at the time- but coming from a different place in the paradigm- I see it was not the kind of love I have experienced twice.
This kind of love being one that could be akin to alchemy- being that it takes different elements and creates and transforms into a new element – one never experienced up until the point of transformation- but forever altered none the less.
One of those times was with the “Cement head” that I like to call Flip.
I wrote in a prior post he had earned the nickname “Cement head” from a friend of mine-
But to me he was Flip.
I had just turned 25 years old, literally- it was on my birthday that our worlds collided-
Some scene out of a movie- written to perfection- exactly how I would like it- witty and filled with synchronicities.
I did not have my first alcoholic drink until I was almost 25 years old- had never been to a club- or dancing.
In fact, I had only just started a month before my birthday.
The night of my birthday my best friend and I met some friends for drinks and the plan was to go dancing.
I sat as my best friend lectured me how I needed to not be so picky and actually go out with a guy when I get hit on, ect…
I was defending myself telling her there had not been one that I had ever wanted or felt like saying “yes” to.
All the sudden there was a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to look a man straight in the eyes and felt every ounce of my being saying “yes” before he even spoke a word.
He went on to tell me he had arrived in town, on my birthday- we had an instant connection and playfulness.
When it came time to leave he asked us where we were going- before I could say a word my best friend told him the name of the place.
We went dancing- he was tall- so when he arrived, I could see his head just slightly over the sea of people he was moving through-
It made me smile- he made me smile- his essence or maybe it was my essence and his essence together.
At the end of the night he asked me for my number- for whatever reason I told him I didn’t give my number to strangers.
He asked how he could find me then- I told him I owned a salon in the downtown area- he asked if he could have the name.
I smiled and told him he would have to see how good of a detective he could be.
Two days later I walk into my salon early in the morning- start listening to the messages- only to find a guy saying “ I am not sure this is the right place- you are number six that I have called- but I am looking for an Amy….”
We were not apart from that day forward.
He was a NHL player. Two years younger than me-
I was a broken mess from the extremes in life I had experienced up until that point. Or maybe I should say a cracked vessel- not yet broken. That came later…
Towards the end- we knew he would be leaving.
He loved the Dave Matthews band- and as a going away gift- I got us two tickets from a friend.
We drove in silence to the concert- both of us not quite knowing what to say. I remember it was a slow ache in my heart I was feeling- not intense- just constant.
It wasn’t until we pulled in that we started talking- hashing out the odds of a long distance relationship working at our ages- him not being ready yet- me either for that matter.
He always said he would dance to “Lover lay down” at his wedding- we both half joked that if Dave sung it that night we would throw caution to the wind and go for it. And if he didn’t? That would be our sign.
The concert was coming to an end and the last song of the night began- it was Crash.
We both looked at each other and just like that- allowed it to be our deciding factor.
I still remember the day he left- I remember exactly what I was wearing. I remember watching him drive away. I remember the tears that fell well into that night.
I loved that man so much that I went and signed up for a sketching course – so I could sketch his face as I remembered it right then- in case my memory would fade and I wouldn’t be able to recall him in that way anymore.
We spoke for a few months- never really speaking of feelings or what had passed between us.
I remember how I was haunted by the desire for some type of “closure”- yet at the same time had no idea what it would entail to make it be just that- closure…
Over two years pass and I get an IM from him telling me to check my email.
The picture was so gigantic it was downloading bit by bit from top to bottom.
I saw a blue sky, birds and a roof to a building- then the top of two heads- then a veil on top if the woman’s head- then a tux on him- then a church and flowers and you get the point…
Stunned- I sat in silence as the IM pinged- him asking “Can you believe it??? I got married”.
I remember I swallowed- typed how happy I was for him and best wishes and got off line.
I walked to the closet and pulled out the box- the one that had the sketch and all the letters I wrote and never mailed and the songs I had written and recorded from the experience and the things he had given me- I walked down to the dumpster of my apartment building- and as if on autopilot- threw the box in the dumpster.
Fast forward to ten years later-
Here we are today-Flip is divorced- I am free…
Flip came back into my life three weeks ago.
And in these three weeks we had the one thing that had eluded me for so long-
This time coming from two adults who have been through it in life in one way or another-
Non -defensive- not judgmental- less assuming- gentle- flowing and finally whole.
We spoke of our feelings then- where we were both coming from- our memories and our connection.
And when we were through-
I sat in silence- thinking of how all those years of me wanting something-that if I had been given then- would never have been able to receive.
It would have been met with defensiveness, unrealistic hopes, longing, hurt and disappointments.
A brilliant ending and at the same time, beginning of a love story-