Building Self Esteem is the Most Important Step in Dating
Posted Dec 10 2008 3:24pm
Building self esteem is not just about personal affirmations, trying deathsports, or listening to self help tapes over and over. However, sometimes this helps…
Unfortunately, without self confidence, you get lost in relationships. You lose your ability to say no. You let your boundaries get trampled and you might end up doing things you really don’t want to.
In the eyes of an abusive or uncaring guy, you are the perfect girlfriend. Who wouldn’t want to keep someone around that says yes to everything? If you’ve had bad relationships in the past, not loving yourself is usually the reason why.
“So how do I start building self confidence?”
It actually comes from mastery. OK, maybe it’s not as hard as it sounds. Basically, in order to start building self esteem, you need to go out on a bunch of dates to get rid of that scared feeling. You need to start talking to the people around you, men and women. Try to make a deep connection with the some of the people in your world.
Not really, once you understand that people aren’t really that complicated. Every day, we see TV shows and movies [written by professional writers] that depict all these super-complex people with all kind of schemes running through their heads. It’s easy to assume that everyone thinks this way, but it’s simply not true. You can almost guarantee that he’s not thinking anything close to what you’re thinking.
Letting go of all the “voices in your head” and simply being in the moment is crucial to getting in touch with every experience. Start living your life instead of spending it feeling guilty about the past or worried about the future.
Start ask yourself these questions: “What do I get out of this relationship?” “Is this man good enough for my standards?” “How does he make me feel?”
Getting the point? When you approach a relationship as something you must put 100% into no matter what, you always get let down. Stop giving 100% of your love to your man. You have to hold back 20% of that to love yourself. That way, when he leaves or finally exposes himself as a jerk, you won’t be devastated. You’ll know in your mind that you gave as much as you could and you can move on from heartbreak.
You really do deserve a great, loving, caring, sharing relationship with a great guy who understands you. Unless you take that to heart, you’ll get more of what you already know. When you truly know you are worth it, you’ll discover that he (whoever “he” is) will respect your boundaries and won’t try to manipulate you.
People who don't love themselves make big targets. A sociopath can smell someone who thinks very little of themselves and will delight in making you feel worse. So you see, loving yourself is actually a defense mechanism. No one can truly hurt or take advantage of someone who completely believes, "I love myself!"
Got something you don't like about yourself? Come to terms with it and start working towards fixing it!
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The point is: everyone has something they don't like about themselves. Do something about it! The simple act of trying something new to fix a "problem" gives you a spring of confidence that will only snowball as you start to love yourself more. Stop being the victim and start working towards being awesome!
Stop trying to gain control
Another aspect of building self esteem is letting go of the outcome. Every day, we go through life with expectations on how people are supposed to act. We obsess over wanting things to turn out perfectly and when they don’t, it feels like a slap in the face.
You are dealing with a completely different human being with his own set of goals, ideas, desires, and expectations. If you must have things a certain way, he is bound to let you down. Step back a bit and let people do what they do. Understand that unless he’s a complete sociopath, he really doesn’t want to hurt you. Be OK with whatever happens, but know that you can guide things in the direction you want them to go.
That’s right! You have the power to get what you want! It’s often as easy as pointing your man in the right direction.
There are many great dating books that cover this topic in detail. Check a few out and take what fits best for you.
When you start building self esteem, dating doesn’t have to be so frightening. Remember: You Deserve Love!