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Book Extract: Good Sex: A Couple’s Guide

Posted Sep 10 2012 6:29am

The Benefits of Orgasm 

Orgasm coach Dr Lisa Turner explains that they improve our physical health, relax us, release energy blockages, and reduce the health risks of prostate cancer and heart disease. They also make us nicer people to be around. When our sexual energy is flowing properly we are able to connect with people more easily because our flow and heart energy is open. ‘Harnessing and transmuting sexual energy improves your vitality and increases feelings of wellbeing. You experience more energy and are more motivated in your daily life. You enjoy your body more including moving your body and exercising.’

Different Types of Orgasm

  • Clitoral (‘the first gate’ in tantra). 80% of women say they can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Clitoral orgasms stimulate the pudendal nerve system and we now know that all orgasms are clitoral in origin because the clitoris is much bigger than we thought. Have a play with your clitoral hood and see if you can give yourself a mini-erection. It will swell in size when you’re aroused. If you can’t take direct stimulation then massage around the hood to diffuse the sensation. See if you can bring yourself to climax without any penetration. Men, take note, it’s not one size fits all. Clitorises come in different shapes, sizes and locations, and you will need to learn your partner’s individual sexual response.
  • G-spot (‘second gate’). Turner says once this gate is open you’ll no longer need clitoral stimulation. To open it try masturbating with a vibrator or dildo inside your vagina so you can contract your PC muscles around the shaft. G-spot orgasms feel slightly different – more diffuse and deeper because you are stimulating the pelvic parasympathetic nervous system. Try the Lelo Gigi G-spot massager or the Hitachi Magic Wand, which has a Gee-Whiz silicone G-spot attachment (or an equivalent mains powered vibe such as Love Honey’s Magic Wand ).
  • Full body orgasm (‘third gate’). Dr Wilhelm Reich, a radical psychoanalyst and contemporary of Freud in the 1920s, discovered this. He believed in the power of orgasm for physical health and developed a theory about ‘orgones’ or cosmic energy that could prevent illness. He was a little bit ahead of his time with his ‘orgasmotherapy’ and contemporaries dismissed his theories as nonsense. The aim is to get your sexual energy circulating through your whole body in order to experience a full body orgasm.

How to Have a Full Body Orgasm

Orgasms are lovely but they can be quite short, so it’s a case of learning how to retain and expand sexual energy so you can experience a longer, stronger climax that makes you tingle from tip to toe. The first step is building strength in your PC muscles by doing regular Kegel exercises – try jade love eggs or Smart Balls and get into the habit of wearing them when you’re out and about or sitting at your desk. Stronger internal muscles will produce more pleasurable contractions, and they are weakened with age, childbirth and weight gain.

The next step, says Dr Turner, is to learn your orgasmic response and focus on retaining sexual energy in your body. The more energy you can hold the bigger your orgasm will be when you let go. This technique involves identifying your point of no return and stopping all stimulation just before. It’s challenging because by this point the sensations will feel very pleasurable and it’s tempting to keep going. Stop! Repeat the cycle seven times using your breath to draw energy inwards and upwards. If you’re visual, imagine the colour of your orgasm and see it circulating throughout your whole body. One the final cycle (or as near to seven as you can get…) let your whole body dissolve into orgasm.

Turner calls this the ‘excruciating pleasure of a full body orgasm’ and describes it as an endless wave of pleasure that fills your entire being. One of the students on her energy transmutation course holds the record for an orgasm lasting 23 minutes. ‘The secret to good sex has nothing to do with the physical body,’ she says. ‘It is actually about the emotional and spiritual connection between two people. At orgasm, the ego (lower self) is surrendered. When you know how to exchange your sexual and orgasmic energy you will truly be making love and connecting at a spiritual level. The experience of this goes way beyond any physical pleasure and it is exquisite bliss! It’s sex at soul level and it will strengthen your physical relationship as well as your own health and wellbeing.’

Playwork Exercises

The first step to improving your orgasms is being mindful and conscious about sex and orgasm.

  • Be conscious and present when you next have an orgasm. Visualise it as a colour or shape and imagine it filling your entire consciousness as well as your lover. Create an intention and visualise an outcome you desire. You can use the power of sexual energy in this way to bring about change and transformation in your life. This exercise is about ‘creating’ love rather than ‘making’ love and it will change the vibration of sex from being genitally to mentally focused. By radiating love energy you attract more of it to yourself.
  • Try to widen your definition of orgasm and ‘give yourself permission to stay fully aroused for a long time,’ says Mikaya Hart, a tutor at Vulva University . She points out that we are taught to control our bodies from an early age with potty training, and if we are strong-willed we may have trouble letting go enough to orgasm. ‘Good sex is not just about your vulva; it involves every nerve ending in your body, so learn how to touch with awareness. Touch your lover all over and ask him or her to touch you. Most women will come more easily if their whole body is aroused through gentle, light, sensitive stroking.’ She suggests spending 15 minutes a day stroking your body in different ways to learn what arouses you and then transferring this to your sex play.

Taken from Good Sex – A Couple’s Guide by Nicci Talbot (Need2Know, 2012).

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