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Benefit of Experience

Posted Aug 29 2008 12:00am
One of the gifts that comes from experiencing abuse is the ability to see the pattern developing and stop it before your own children or those close to you suffer from it. Certain behaviors are common among abusers and if you know what they are, you can prevent another generation from being abused. We know now how important it is to stand up and say, "No!" early on.

My exhusband has a new woman in his life. I honestly don't have a problem with that at all. I've wanted him to let go of any attachment to me for a long time. What I have a problem with is his blindness, or disregard, for the risk she presents to his children, including the young son we have together. My son is at his father's house every other weekend, so what goes on there is my business.

The problem with this woman is her history. Yes, people can change, but that doesn't mean they will. She is a fellon who served 2 years in prison. Having worked in prison, I know that those who stay any length of time there learn how to be better cons. The big problem I have is that she let her own 2 kids go. A judge took them away well before she went to prison. I don't the details, so I don't know if it was because of abuse, neglect, or both. What I do know is that judges don't take children away from their natural mother unless they have significant evidence proving that the children are in danger.

Obviously, I can't say anything about the effect this woman is having on my ex's 3 children that live with him, but I have spoken out about how it effects my son. I didn't know that this woman was spending weekends at the house until after it happened. My son was told to keep secrets from his mom, the one person who has always been there for him. That brought on a few emotional and behavioral issues that a 4 year old shouldn't have to go through. Now, I've put my foot down. I've learned too much over the years to turn a blind eye when it comes to my child's welfare.

The toughest thing about this is that my son loves his father and his half-siblings. It was hard enough for him to go through the family splitting up. Now he is trying to figure out how Daddy getting a new wife effects him. He asked me if I was still going to be his mom. It isn't going to be easy to help him accept not seeing Daddy any more, if my ex decides that getting laid is more important than 4 days a month with his son. So far, that's his choice.
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