Are You Trying To Outmaneuver (Or Out-Mother) His Mother?
Posted Nov 25 2009 10:01pm
When you try to take the place of your man’s mother, even compete with her for his attention, you are trying to outmaneuver her at her game. That isn’t the game you want to play. It doesn’t matter if both he and she seem to hook you into that game on a daily basis. What game you play with your husband/significant other is your choice!
Your Happiness Relies Only On You
It takes to two to tango. And even though, if you’ve been in a relationship with a mama’s boy, you might want to make a reference to how three can’t tango and that’s what you’ve got in your house; your happiness is up to you, baby. It isn’t dependent on your man or his mother. It’s all about you. Let me explain.
First of all, there are a variety of types of mama’s boys out there. In fact, there are so many that if you swear off all mama’s boys, you won’t have a whole lot of men left to choose from. Sure, the stereotypical mama’s boy still tied to his mother’s apron strings can make you feel pathetic and hopeless. That type may be easy enough to steer clear of. But then there are the mama’s boys who are incredible nurturers of the women and children in their lives. Man, these men seem to be ideal! And, in many ways they are. However, such nurturers, while they may never ask their mother’s advice, they may not be able to make a decision without your advice. Interestingly, this can become annoying, especially when a woman desires leadership from her husband.
Different Types Of Mama’s Boys
There’s another type of mama’s boy that appears macho, independent, and fiery. While this man comes across as passionate and sexy, when his jealousy is stirred, his need for you to make him the absolute center of your universe can become too intense to live with – not to mention, dangerous!
Another type of mama’s boy is the perpetual teenager. He has a lot of energy. He can get things done and take action when required. But he requires a whole lot of attention too. No matter what’s going down in the family with anyone else, all of it seems to always be all about him from his perception. That just becomes exhausting.
What all these types have in common is the need for their woman’s undying attention, devotion and “ mothering “– but not that of a lover’s attention and devotion. For the woman, and sometimes for bystanders, his need for maternal attention and devotion can be seen, heard, and felt. It can be a minor annoyance or make her skin crawl. It can be something they laugh about, with her gently challenging him to show up as an adult male; or, it can make her feel trapped in a prison. It can be something she dismisses or something she tries to control.
Another thing all these types have in common is the number of daddy’s girls in their lives! Daddy’s girls are the other side of the mama’s boy coin. When they were growing up, daddy’s girls were encouraged to either take care of their fathers, in some way replacing their mothers; or encouraged to take their absent fathers’ places with their mothers. Both situations lead little girls to perceive themselves as superior to men, which is exactly the kind of woman a mama’s boy attracts.
Don’t Treat Your Mama’s Boy Like A Child
When you find yourself wanting to sit him down and ”teach” him about relationships, you’re treating him like a child. When you get impatient, dismissive, and disrespectful about his habits, speech, whatever, you’re taking on the role of mother, as if he’s a little boy. When you spend valuable time complaining about his behavior or choices either to his face or behind his back, you’re acting like a victimized mom who can’t control her son. Perhaps it goes without saying that when you correct anything about him, particularly on a regular basis, you have assumed the role of mother.
By taking on the role of mom with your man, you yourself undermine the potential for the two of you to have an adult relationship heavy on romance and passion, light on power struggle. Just because women are hard wired for relationships and instinctively know how to “do” relationship better than men, doesn’t mean we should come at them all superior and bossy. Those attitudes are certainly a turn off for everyone involved!
How To Tango
Play the game of love and adult romance by refusing to go to either little girl, the doting mother, or overbearing mama bear with your man. Keep choosing to be the receptive woman within your relationship. Do not fall into the temptation of being the one to fix or correct him.
When you feel superior to him, put your attention on some quality of his that catches your breath. If you can’t think of such a quality, search your memory for when you once noticed those qualities and put your attention there. Chances are you’ve just fallen out of the habit of noticing the things about him that turn you on. Revive that habit!
Remind yourself that he isn’t your father, your son, your brother, your student, or even an old boyfriend. He is the man in your life you have chosen to love and respect. Put your attention there. Whatever brings you out of daddy’s girl needing to fix, cajole, protect, defend, or punish your man; go to that place that places you firmly in the place of willing, adult, romantic and sexual partner of this man with whom no one, especially not his mother, can compete. The more you hang out there, the more he and the relationship will mirror your intention. That is an appropriate use of your innate relationship talent!