I mean this literally — not are you internally talking yourself out of going on a date.
For example, recently I had two conversations with a new guy. About 30 minutes into the second conversation, I said I needed to get back to work. He asked if I’d like to get together. I said, “Sure, we could meet for coffee. What part of town do you live in?”
He responded that he lived near an upscale shopping center that I like to frequent.
“Great. We could meet there.”
He then launched into a 10-minute rant about how he wasn’t into expensive dinners, he rarely went to nice restaurants, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam.
I had suggested coffee, not dinner, and the more he talked and repeated himself, the less I wanted to meet him.
Finally, I repeated that I needed to go. He said he’d like to meet me but he would leave it to me to contact him if I wanted to get together. I politely said okay and hung up.
It was not only his assuming I was after an expensive dinner when I’d clearly stated coffee, but his repetition was irritating. Then there was the fact that I do like nice dinners once in a while and I knew I wouldn’t really be happy with someone who was allergic to white tablecloths.
I’m sure I have talked myself out of dates as well. The challenge is we have no idea what we said that was off-putting to the other.
Some say email and phone filtering is effective as it reveals mis-matched characteristics quickly without going to the trouble of actually meeting. But part of me wonders if we aren’t limiting our choices by judging someone on a sliver of information. On the other hand, these conversations often telegraph values and preferences enough that you know you are too different to be a match.
Have you been interested in someone until they talked too much? Have you felt someone’s interest wane as you talked on the phone? Do you think weeding someone out over the phone is effective, or do you give them the benefit of the doubt and meet anyway?