In a woman's mind, if a man is kind and considerate, then he's weak and must be spurned! She cannot feel attraction to such men.
Every man knows, or has seen in action, that the more a jerk abuses women, the more successful he will be in attracting them; and the nicer he is, the more likely he will wind up as a "friend". But most men are socialized to cultivate harmony, not discord, and so they refuse to participate in such pathology. Most men are kind men, who have no interest in acting like jerks to women. Logic would suggest that a woman would want to avoid being brutalized...
In a woman's mind, she equates abusive behavior with a man's earning power and masculine strength. She will settle -- for the short term, at least -- for a poor thug who can offer her excitement even if he has no earning power. What she's most often is fantasizing for is a rich man who is brutal to other's, but kind to her.
How did she come by such ideas? One reason is that she assumes that television and the movies actually mirror reality, so that successful men are always conniving, ruthless, and underhanded. Bad boys are untamed and reckless and charged with sexuality. They are a "challenge", and she can feel -- for once -- powerless in their grip, a rape fantacy come to life. A woman's hormone-driven "logic" will equate excitement with money. . .She glories in the sensation of raw adventure -- it is the same thrill which ripples through her when a rich boyfriend pampers her and indulges her every whim. For as long as she dallies with the bad boy she can afford to let herself be wild, to experience unfettered humanity, to freely express her sexuality as nature intended. For a few racing heartbeats she will cease to be a whore and become a human being.
"And when the fling is over, her "morality" has not been compromised in any way -- she can reconstruct her delusional self-image by accusing the bad boy of abusing her." If it were a kind man she would get some of the blame.
By following their natural proclivity to breed with thugs and jerks, women are an anti-civilizing force actively creating more male aggressivity. It would seem that a wise society would have an interest in creating a counter-force to oppose this. Prison's are too full of these aggressive men now.
The jerk says, "Men will be nice when nice guys get laid."
Why are bad boys so attractive?
Why is it some of us women are so attracted only to the bad boys? You know, the ones who are unavailable, the guys who are great in bed but are so thoughtless every other place! They have great jobs, wonderful personalities (other than with you), and tend to take charge of any situation. What's the attraction?
- A Good Girl in New York
Dear Good Girl,
What makes any man charismatic is his ability to exude self-confidence. To make a relationship work, a man must not only be confident and assertive, but considerate and empathetic to his partner's needs. A bad boy has the former traits without the latter. While this creates an initial magnetism that is exciting at first, in the long run, his partner will figure out that she deserves better and will move on.
If only this were true. Although, some women do get past the bad boy stage by their late twenties, but by then most kind men have found someone else and consider her damaged goods.
I am a tad troubled by what I've been reading in your column. You talk a lot about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don't seem to address the issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many girls, this is becoming all too common.
I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.
She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of the blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her. How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.
women are hypocrites
I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She responded with, "I thought then that I deserved it." With me, she never thanked me for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and towards the end, was very abusive to me.
This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends. And if my friends and I have had that problem, then you can bet on the fact that most other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as well. Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed, and it is my hope that you will address the topic in your column ASAP.
Manny -- who is tired of not being appreciated
What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn't had therapy and recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you don't want her becoming the mother of your children. As soon as any woman whom you're datingstarts telling you stories about how her ex-boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit.
Why are they bad news.
you just can't win
If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to) provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul thrives on.
What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts earnestly trying to prove that not all men are bastards by being extra nice to her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn't light her fire. Sound familiar, Manny?
Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy relationships with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse, and feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.
Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling often unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy behavior.
So Manny, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated with respect? It's not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex) girlfriend, do like to be "kicked around." Fortunately, there are plenty out there that don't.
But Manny, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this relationship. You're complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men. Well, wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask yourself: "Why did I stay with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?"
sweet vs. nasty
Now, Manny, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves drawn to guys who don't always treat them so well, guys who have little or no respect for women?
In order to explain this phenomenon, I'm going to divide the pool of non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three distinct categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these categories, but I'm rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.
#1 - The Nice Guy
First, there are a large percentage of men who are not a challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] at all. We call this type of guy The Nice Guy, The Wimp or The Teddy Bear Guy. This chap wears his high Interest Level [degree of love] on his sleeve. He'll do anything to gain a woman's approval.
He's needy and clingy and is always trying to please and impress. He's too open and too vulnerable too soon. He's overly considerate and places the woman's needs before his own. He's often so whipped and brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things like ask a woman for her permission to kiss her.
You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women's romantic fantasies. He is not a turn-on -- in fact, he's quite the opposite.
#2 - The Positive Challenge
What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self-assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of setting limits and saying "no" to a woman when it's appropriate. Women want a guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.
The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart (after she proves she's trustworthy). I call this second type of man The Positive Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their relationships with women.
#3 - The Negative Challenge
Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is self-obsessed, self-absorbed and just plain selfish. He's a user, a taker, and not a giver. He only says "yes" to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed off. He doesn't keep his word. You can't count on him. You can't trust him. He's too unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can't be controlled and he's anything but boring. He's known as The Jerk, The Rat or The Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.
Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why? Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as strong and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on strength qualities in a man.
This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don't appreciate a nice guy and prefer to be with jerks. Women are drawn to strength qualities in men first. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.
find the perfect balance
Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims. They're desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry for a Challenge even if he doesn't come in the ideal form.
Now let's leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this situation, the greater the woman's self-esteem, the more likely she would be to go for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem is so-so, then she might go for the guy who is somewhere in between the two.
Now that you're single again, my advice to you, Manny, is to no longer go out with abusive women who've been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving.